Velvet Curtains

[joesammsington]

Velvet curtains on a window I see
I want its sights revealed to me
But a hymen blocks my view
I resolve to break it in two

So with a gladiator’s swagger
I pierce it with my dagger

Please give the rules a read:
5. One Poem Per Day in either the: Novice Forum, Mild Critique Forum, Serious Critique Forum. (NOT ONE IN EACH per day)
Thanks, mod.

[billy]

i seldom say this in feedback but it's truly shitty. i know, i too wrote poetry like this joe.

the problem is it's all been said too many times in ways like your poem is written.

step back, look at it [the poem] and the fanny and write exactly what you see [use the imagination] is there a freckle on the right swollen flange-bracket. are the hairs tightly curled and stiff or loose and soft, is it bald and shiny or does it have a few blood spots where she shaved last night, does it smell of palmolive conditioner or does it taste acidic. when you nuzzle it, does it smell like a shithouse door made out of kipper boxes? okay, the last one was cliche of me but you have millions of ways to phrase a line. make it original.

the most important thing about your poem is the fact you wrote it. from here on in it will get better, a good way to write about shagging someone, be it a virgin or a horse, is to allude to it, to never mention it outright, the hymen can be a portcullis or barn door, the dick can be anything apart from dagger; an intercontinental ballistic missile coming through....

if you want to ask someone a question, send a pm or ask in the poetry discussion forum.

[peacejazzspirit]

[quote='joesammsington' pid='194656' dateline='1438241600']
Velvet curtains on a window I see
I want its sights revealed to me
But a hymen blocks my view
I resolve to break it in two

So with a gladiator’s swagger
I pierce it with my dagger

The first two lines are okay I think, but there's not a clear picture unless you elaborate. But for that you might have to increase the length of the poem? Lines 3-4 are too straightforward, unoriginal. Where's the innuendo you used in 1-2? 5-6 are the same case as 3-4, more originality, less cliche.

[Volaticus]

Hi there,

Sorry, but this just feels.. blah to me. Much like many of my own poems, I should add. The very first line was awkward to me, like it's only worded that way for the sake of the 'see'/'me' rhyme. Which are pretty weak rhymes in my opinion. Wasn't fond of the other rhymes either. The 'swagger'/'dagger' rhyme mostly because it just feels so generic in the context. I think that's my issue with the poem.. it doesn't have much originality to it, to make it stand out to me. I'm not sure what to suggest though.. Maybe try to write the poem without the rhymes. I've found that rhymes can sometimes be a hindrance (to me at least), resulting in a poem that is less than it could have been. Just a thought.

- V

[Magpie]

Damn, what can I say that hasn't been said already? It was kind of doomed from the velvet curtains really, even a Bing image search for "velvet curtains" would probably say "Did you mean... ? And I don't need to say "Hey man it's the hymen" because you probably get the point by now (no pun in... ah doesn't matter) Even then if the end could have been totally unexpected it might of saved itself. At first I was thinking of rhymes with swagger and Jagger as in Mick cropped up but even that is cliche to... 

So with a gladiator’s swagger
To the left then right then Agga
doo doo doo push pineapple shake the tree
Agadoo doo doo 


Yeah ok, it's only slightly better. But we all know that you only wrote this to test us. If you can write something that even to you as the writer comes as a surprise and unexpected when you read it then there's a chance that it could be original, you just need to be honest with yourself. And if I'm being honest I've probably wrote even more predictable poems than this so... Yeah that's not much help, but you know what I mean.

Cheers,
Mark

If you replace my dagger with mine dagger...

Nice try mate, but no-ones going to fall for that old trick, get your own velvet curtains