Reason

[ThePen]

For your information, Yehoshua refers to Reason.

Hands emerging out of primordial soup
Winged creatures staging a cosmic coup
Fire gurgling from within a rushing ocean
Thoughts bouncing around, disordered motion
Disorganized speech booming the heavenly darkness
Beings of electric fumes in existence without redress
Violence the order of the day, chaos everywhere
Reason enslaved on a Bizarro planet in heart of nowhere
Such is the emergence of organized thought
Such is the page that Yehoshua wrote
Lightning streaking frantically through the heavens
Angels of spectre elevating in the air, there are seven
Trumpets blaring in an ethereal medium, without sound
Temples erected sparsely without meaning to be found
Molecules of thought re-arranging in broken language
Atoms of speech re-organizing in a world of rage
Reason awakens, comes and goes, lives and dies sparingly
From scattered remains life seems to arise amazingly
Finally from the darkness of the void is existence
Light crackles as lightning, Yehoshua without essence
Supposedly, even chaos has its own ending
Something must exist, Reason has a beginning,
In this reality.

[tectak]

For your information, Yehoshua refers to Reason.

Hands emerging out of primordial soup
Winged creatures staging a cosmic coup
Fire gurgling from within a rushing ocean
Thoughts bouncing around, disordered motion
Disorganized speech booming the heavenly darkness
Beings of electric fumes in existence without redress
Violence the order of the day, chaos everywhere
Reason enslaved on a Bizarro planet in heart of nowhere
Such is the emergence of organized thought
Such is the page that Yehoshua wrote
Lightning streaking frantically through the heavens
Angels of spectre elevating in the air, there are seven
Trumpets blaring in an ethereal medium, without sound
Temples erected sparsely without meaning to be found
Molecules of thought re-arranging in broken language
Atoms of speech re-organizing in a world of rage
Reason awakens, comes and goes, lives and dies sparingly
From scattered remains life seems to arise amazingly
Finally from the darkness of the void is existence
Light crackles as lightning, Yehoshua without essence
Supposedly, even chaos has its own ending
Something must exist, Reason has a beginning,
In this reality.

Hi pen,
for the sake of others who may follow you may wish to retitle this piece. "Yehoshua" was, and always has been, Hebrew in origin. The considered opinion of scholars, savants and bagel makers is that Yehoshua means "salvation", though even this is slantingly referencing "Jesus"...for your information, of course. This may alter the premise of the piece somewhat.
Best,
tectak

[ellajam]

Hi, Pen. for me many of the rhymes just don't work, particularly darkness/redress, thought/wrote, sparingly/amazingly, ending/beginning. I also found the AABB rhyme scheme to give it a nursery rhyme feel that for me doesn't suit the subject matter. You might also consider editing with a consistent meter. Good luck with it.

For your information, Yehoshua refers to Reason.

Hands emerging out of primordial soup
Winged creatures staging a cosmic coup
Fire gurgling from within a rushing ocean
Thoughts bouncing around, disordered motion
Disorganized speech booming the heavenly darkness
Beings of electric fumes in existence without redress
Violence the order of the day, chaos everywhere
Reason enslaved on a Bizarro planet in heart of nowhere
Such is the emergence of organized thought
Such is the page that Yehoshua wrote
Lightning streaking frantically through the heavens
Angels of spectre elevating in the air, there are seven
Trumpets blaring in an ethereal medium, without sound
Temples erected sparsely without meaning to be found
Molecules of thought re-arranging in broken language
Atoms of speech re-organizing in a world of rage
Reason awakens, comes and goes, lives and dies sparingly
From scattered remains life seems to arise amazingly
Finally from the darkness of the void is existence
Light crackles as lightning, Yehoshua without essence
Supposedly, even chaos has its own ending
Something must exist, Reason has a beginning,
In this reality.

[milo]

For your information, Yehoshua refers to Reason.

Hands emerging out of primordial soup
Winged creatures staging a cosmic coup
Fire gurgling from within a rushing ocean
Thoughts bouncing around, disordered motion
Disorganized speech booming the heavenly darkness
Beings of electric fumes in existence without redress
Violence the order of the day, chaos everywhere
Reason enslaved on a Bizarro planet in heart of nowhere
Such is the emergence of organized thought
Such is the page that Yehoshua wrote
Lightning streaking frantically through the heavens
Angels of spectre elevating in the air, there are seven
Trumpets blaring in an ethereal medium, without sound
Temples erected sparsely without meaning to be found
Molecules of thought re-arranging in broken language
Atoms of speech re-organizing in a world of rage
Reason awakens, comes and goes, lives and dies sparingly
From scattered remains life seems to arise amazingly
Finally from the darkness of the void is existence
Light crackles as lightning, Yehoshua without essence
Supposedly, even chaos has its own ending
Something must exist, Reason has a beginning,
In this reality.

You might want to note that "coup" rhymes with "you" not with soup.
Your first 8 lines are just a list of individual, unassociated items with nary a verb in site.  If you strip the modification your first 8 lines read like this:

hands
creatures
fire
thoughts
speech
beings
violence, chaos
reason

Does that read like a cogent poem?  No. well, then modifying those nouns to all end will not make it better, it will make it worse. Unfortunately, it does not get better and, this being novice, I don't have the heart or the stomach to continue.

i suggest you try re-writing this using sentences and as little modification as possible.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello and welcome to the Pen, Pen-

Any poem that starts off with "for your information..." is asking for trouble before even hitting the ground.

When the statement concludes with "... Yehoshua refers to Reason", the new (novice) poet is now basically forcing the reader to accept an erroneous assumption.

Not a good way to get started.

Unfortunately, your poem then proceeds to preach to the reader, apparently assuming the reader will blindly accept your "vision" as some type of supremely important lesson.

I do not mind the use of near/slant rhymes, though you begin to force even the near rhymes.

I do mind the arbitrary line breaks because they reflect poorly on metrical structure, and reveal themselves solely as a means of setting up the rhyme scheme.

While the tone of the poem is serious, and strives to convince, a rhyme scheme, by nature, forces the reader to anticipate that a rhyming word is coming up. Your ability to convince therefore becomes compromised, unless your meter is very tight (which it is not). Subconsciously, this causes the reader to "lose faith" in your "argument".

I do not mind license with grammatical structure, but you do need actual sentences in order to convey meaning. Many "sentences" lack verbs.

I can appreciate your attempt to re-create a Creation scene, but find little factual basis behind your story that I can relate to, making it sort of a myth of a myth. Work out the imagery and the story may become a stronger myth.

You seem to be intent upon convincing the reader of the validity of your story, as evidenced by the ending. In order to convince me, you will need to stop borrowing from and modifying previously told stories, and come up with a story that is unique.

Good thing this one appears in the NOVICE section of the Pen, Pen, because it has afforded me an opportunity to critique politely. Elsewhere on this farm, the wolves won't wear a sheep's cloak.

Outside of the NOVICE area, and for your own "protection", please do not start off a piece by inserting a note that basically insults the reader before your poem even begins.

... Mark

[billy]

while doing the feedback i stopped and read what others had said in case i'd gotten it drastically wrong...but no i was correct, because of thsi i will just say i agree with most of what's already been stated.

For your information, Yehoshua refers to Reason.

Hands emerging out of primordial soup
Winged creatures staging a cosmic coup is this a chicken coop, if not it doesn't rhyme, it's pronounced as in [coo]
Fire gurgling from within a rushing ocean
Thoughts bouncing around, disordered motion
Disorganized speech booming the heavenly darkness
Beings of electric fumes in existence without redress
Violence the order of the day, chaos everywhere
Reason enslaved on a Bizarro planet in heart of nowhere
Such is the emergence of organized thought
Such is the page that Yehoshua wrote
Lightning streaking frantically through the heavens
Angels of spectre elevating in the air, there are seven
Trumpets blaring in an ethereal medium, without sound
Temples erected sparsely without meaning to be found
Molecules of thought re-arranging in broken language
Atoms of speech re-organizing in a world of rage
Reason awakens, comes and goes, lives and dies sparingly
From scattered remains life seems to arise amazingly
Finally from the darkness of the void is existence
Light crackles as lightning, Yehoshua without essence
Supposedly, even chaos has its own ending
Something must exist, Reason has a beginning,
In this reality.