(content) Same ol Cards

[Turtle]

EDIT #1
Just read the fuckin cards!
Don’t be strayin between them lines there either!
You better buckle up son and repeat what you were readin!
This ride’s about to get fucked up real quick, and you weren’t even told.

Tell yourself that it’s all ok and then take a sip-a-this
it’ll smooth your eyes and make your lips burn if ya drink it.
Keep remindin yourself the ride’ll be over, but then keep readin those fuckin cards
while I tell you a story about this here scar and why we’re travelin so far…

(big breath)

Long ago,
in the days when young children still played in old fields
there were places that spoke truth to those who would yield.
Ages passed,
when men and women told of tales that spun wisdom in the mind
and there was grace of the tongue with respect in everyone’s eyes.

until that day the way the people lived changed for the ages,
this day The day was way weirder than anyone would even begin to say,
yet still, it left a painful mark on all words spoken ever since
and forever from that day
the memory lingered on,
always falling upon silence as they
recalled the pain and violence of yesterday’s storm.

Long ago
When the little kids still frolicked in tall flowers
there were places of truth that now lie to those who cower…

(Clear Throat)

You see son
that’s why we don’t read between them lines,
that’s why we got these here cards,
and that’s where I got this fine lookin scar…
Now we’re gettin real close to where the road comes to an end
so remember boy don’t you go strayin again…

I’m tellin you that shit’s-all-good, but take another sip-a-this.
Let your eyes smooth over and kiss the dash for me kid.
Keep in mind boy that this ride’s almost over,
keep your eyes forward and remember the story,
and then keep readin those fuckin cards!


ORIGINAL
Just read the fuckin cards!
Don’t be strayin between those lines there either!
You better buckle up son and repeat what you were readin,
cuz this ride’s about to get fucked up real quick, and you weren’t even told…

but tell yourself that it’s all ok and then take a sip-a-this
it’ll smooth your eyes and make your lips burn if ya drink it.
Keep remindin yourself the ride’ll be over, but then keep readin those fuckin cards
while I tell you a story about this here scar, and why we’re travelin so far…

(big breath)

Long ago,
in the days when young children still played in old fields
there were places that spoke truth to those who would yield.
Ages passed,
when men and women told of tales that spun wisdom in the mind
and there was grace of the tongue with respect in everyone’s eyes.

until that day the way the people lived changed for the ages,
this day The day was way weirder than anyone could even begin to say,
yet still, it left a painful mark on all words spoken ever since
and forever from that day
the memory lingered on,
always falling upon silence as they
painfully recalled the violence that came with the storm,
the people lived and forgot their ways had reformed.

Long ago
when little kids still frolicked in tall flowers
there were places of truth that now lie to those who cower...

(Clear Throat)

You see son
that’s why we don’t read between those lines there,
that’s why we got these here cards,
and that’s where I got this fine lookin scar.
Now we’re gettin real close to where the road comes to an end
so remember boy don’t you go strayin again.

I’m tellin you that shit’s-all-good, but take another sip-a-this.
Let your eyes smooth over and kiss the dash for me kid.
Keep in mind boy that this ride’s almost over,
keep your eyes forward and remember the story,
and then keep readin those fuckin cards!

[ellajam]

Just read the fuckin cards!
Don’t be strayin between those lines there either!
You better buckle up son and repeat what you were readin,
cuz this ride’s about to get fucked up real quick, and you weren’t even told…

but tell yourself that it’s all ok and then take a sip-a-this
it’ll smooth your eyes and make your lips burn if ya drink it.
Keep remindin yourself the ride’ll be over, but then keep readin those fuckin cards
while I tell you a story about this here scar, and why we’re travelin so far…

(big breath)

Long ago,
in the days when young children still played in old fields
there were places that spoke truth to those who would yield.
Ages passed,
when men and women told of tales that spun wisdom in the mind
and there was grace of the tongue with respect in everyone’s eyes.

until that day the way the people lived changed for the ages,
this day The day was way weirder than anyone could even begin to say,
yet still, it left a painful mark on all words spoken ever since
and forever from that day
the memory lingered on,
always falling upon silence as they
painfully recalled the violence that came with the storm,
the people lived and forgot their ways had reformed.

Long ago
when little kids still frolicked in tall flowers
there were places of truth that now lie to those who cower...

(Clear Throat)

You see son
that’s why we don’t read between those lines there,
that’s why we got these here cards,
and that’s where I got this fine lookin scar.
Now we’re gettin real close to where the road comes to an end
so remember boy don’t you go strayin again.

I’m tellin you that shit’s-all-good, but take another sip-a-this.
Let your eyes smooth over and kiss the dash for me kid.
Keep in mind boy that this ride’s almost over,
keep your eyes forward and remember the story,
and then keep readin those fuckin cards!

Wow, Turtle, this one works so well in so many ways I'm sure I haven't discovered them all yet, For me it does what I think your Beast of Burden was aiming for. I don't have critique suggestions for you, at least not yet, but you might want to consider workshopping this to see if anyone else does.

The things that appeal so much to me:
"those fuckin cards" I don't know exactly what they are, i've shuffled through the images and picked one for now and have decided for myself what is on them. For me it was an entry into the poem.

I love the rhyme in the center. On first read i just noticed fields/yield and thought to myself you set me up for rhyme then didn't continue, but that was alright with me, It set the tone well. When I went back and poked at it I saw what you did. I like it.

I really like yield/cower.

The whole of it hit it's mark for me, thanks for posting it, an interesting and effective read.

[milo]

Just read the fuckin cards!
Don’t be strayin between those lines there either!
You better buckle up son and repeat what you were readin,
cuz this ride’s about to get fucked up real quick, and you weren’t even told…

but tell yourself that it’s all ok and then take a sip-a-this
it’ll smooth your eyes and make your lips burn if ya drink it.
Keep remindin yourself the ride’ll be over, but then keep readin those fuckin cards
while I tell you a story about this here scar, and why we’re travelin so far…

(big breath)

Long ago,
in the days when young children still played in old fields
there were places that spoke truth to those who would yield.
Ages passed,
when men and women told of tales that spun wisdom in the mind
and there was grace of the tongue with respect in everyone’s eyes.

until that day the way the people lived changed for the ages,
this day The day was way weirder than anyone could even begin to say,
yet still, it left a painful mark on all words spoken ever since
and forever from that day
the memory lingered on,
always falling upon silence as they
painfully recalled the violence that came with the storm,
the people lived and forgot their ways had reformed.

Long ago
when little kids still frolicked in tall flowers
there were places of truth that now lie to those who cower...

(Clear Throat)

You see son
that’s why we don’t read between those lines there,
that’s why we got these here cards,
and that’s where I got this fine lookin scar.
Now we’re gettin real close to where the road comes to an end
so remember boy don’t you go strayin again.

I’m tellin you that shit’s-all-good, but take another sip-a-this.
Let your eyes smooth over and kiss the dash for me kid.
Keep in mind boy that this ride’s almost over,
keep your eyes forward and remember the story,
and then keep readin those fuckin cards!

I think it would be difficult to write a poem that uses the phrase "in the mind" effectively.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Turtle-
This reads to me almost like a screen play: (big breath) (clear throat)...

The nature of the cards is abstract enough to be intriguing, but also obscure enough to be annoying.

There seems to be a religious undertone to the cards implied in the "Long Ago..." sequence.

Drinkin and drivin are implied and the gritty nature of the old guy with the scar need to be tied tighter for me to understand what the hell is going on here. Perhaps my literal nature is messing it up for me...

Still, I like the abstractness (it's just the obscureness that gets me).

...Mark

[Turtle]

This is a spoken word piece that I've done at open mic nights, but also a fun read if you're into abstract stories about cards and stuff. Oh yeah, and about those cards and what kind they are... they're fuckin cards!

[Cousin Kil]

Turtle,
I enjoyed this piece
Personally, the rhyme scheme used in the middle portion threw me off,
my internal rhythm (hell, I don't know if that's a correct literary term) differs from the way the words play in that section of your piece
as a result it came across as forced to me, but I'm sure, given that it's intended to be spoken, that the speaker pulls it off well
My reception was just off, that's all
Otherwise, the capping portions to the piece were pretty enjoyable, colloquialism is dope and I love when people draw on it in work
It always feels more natural to me
"read the fuckin' cards" and "don't stray between them lines" were my two favorite lines

Thanks for sharing!

[just mercedes]

I've had my eye on you, son. You're carded!