Routes and Regrets

[Bunx]

Pile Up
 Edit 1
 
He commutes home,
stuck in a pile up.

Now, is the best time to call her.
An hours wait, highway ahead.
Sadly, their relationship
had a beginning
and an end.

Shutting his phone
in frustration.
He knew the woman
who loves him is moving away.

Holding in the pain until then.
Logic was on his side,
his heart was not.
That moment he knew,
there was no right,
no wrong.

Just a wall
constructed again
to protect him
from feeling.

A choice made to preserve
his home.

He knows this space,
as if a waiting room.
He sits,
indifferent instrumentals
vibrating with no purpose
but to fill the void.

Noticing wheels
turning in front of him.
Looking up he puts down
the gas.

[Bunx]

Hey arthur! Thanks for the comment. The space is a metaphor alluding to where the subject is emotionally in his relationship. Also it is referencing sitting in the car with music on in the background. I am glad you liked pieces of the poem! Thanks for the read.

[John]

Pile Up

Commuting home from work from where else in the sense of commuting?
stuck in a pile up
started by an accident up the road. This explanation doesn't appear relevant.

Now is the best time to call her.
An hours wait highway ahead. in traffic.
Sadly, their relationship This seems to move from an ill-defined first person to narrative/authorial voice, and you've told us it's all over before the tale has begun.
had a beginning
and an end.

Shutting his phone
in frustration.
He knew the woman
who loves him is moving away.

Holding in the pain until then.
Logic was on his side,
his heart was not.

That moment he knew,
there was no right,
no wrong.

Just a wall
constructed again
to protect him
from feeling.

A choice made to preserve
his home.

He knows this space,
a waiting room.
He sits,
indifferent instrumentals
vibrating with no purpose
but to fill the void.

Noticing wheels
turning in front of him.
Looking up he puts down and he hits the gas.
the gas.

Hi, Bunx,

I've only addressed the first two stanzas, and the last. Just representative of the whole for you to cascade through if you wish.

You've scope here to put your mixed tenses into one or the other, and tighten it all up by removing unnecessary words (and this will aid clarity.)

This is a popular topic, and not easy to be different. Your last stanza and its ambiguity could really sum up how this character feels.

Thanks for the opportunity to read it.

Cheers

[peacejazzspirit]

Pile Up
 
Commuting home from work
stuck in a pile up
started by an accident up the road.

Now, is the best time to call her.
An hours wait, highway ahead.
Sadly, their relationship
had a beginning
and an end.

Shutting his phone
in frustration.
He knew the woman
who loves him is moving away.

Holding in the pain until then.
Logic was on his side,
his heart was not.

That moment he knew,
there was no right,
no wrong.

Just a wall
constructed again
to protect him
from feeling.

A choice made to preserve
his home.

He knows this space,
a waiting room.
He sits,
indifferent instrumentals
vibrating with no purpose
but to fill the void.

Noticing wheels
turning in front of him.
Looking up he puts down
the gas.

Hi Bunx,
This poem reads a bit all over the place but with some tightening and tuning up I think it will read very nicely. I have a suggestion for the second stanza:

Now, with an hour's wait ahead on the highway,
is (would be?) the best time to call her.

It's only a suggestion, whatever you decide to do with it good luck!

[joesammsington]

I enjoyed the poem very much. But may I suggest instead of "he puts down the gas", he "steps off the gas"? i.e. the gas pedal? Unless I am misinterpreting that.

[HardScotch]

Ok i gave it like 10 reads over and over. I enjoyed the poem, i really did. I cant find any way to critique it, probably cause i think its well done. The only thing i can think of is maybe try combining a few of your stanza's, I dont think it needs to be 9 long. maybe 5, or 6.

[BrokenSoul]

I like the poem. I really do, but I have a couple of comments.

I was actually thrown off in the beginning because I started reading it in the first person and had to go back and start again by the time I hit the third stanza. It possibly isn't necessary, but maybe you could set the perspective of the reader in the first line or two. The last two stanzas could use some work in my opinion. I understand what you are saying, but I am not feeling the whole "waiting room" metaphor. Maybe it is in the delivery, or maybe it is just me, but I feel that section needs some polish.

Finally, the final stanza could bring more closure to the moment. This is my interpretation of that moment: He is stuck in traffic at a standstill and is instantly thrown back into an internal conflict in his head over a failed relationship. An internal dialog and battle ensues that he has gone through a thousand times before. He realizes traffic is moving, these thoughts are flushed from his mind yet again, and he continues forward. If I am wrong, then I apologize, but I think these last two stanzas could be tightened up and used to bring this piece to a nice close.

[Bunx]

Thanks for all the feedback! I made a few changes to the poem in regards to the narrative switch in the beginning of the poem as well as try and make the poem flow a bit better!
Thanks for the reads!

[QDeathstar]

Pile Up
 Edit 1
 
He commutes home,
stuck in a pile up. this is not enough to hold the readers attention. I think alluding to the wreck ahead is fine here, you did it in the original version. I just think you need to edit it, instead of cutting it, to add more visual impact.

Now, is the best time to call her.
An hours wait, highway ahead.
Sadly, their relationship
had a beginning
and an end. this is very clinical. I'm not sure if you were trying to convey apathetic obligation, but that's what it feels like

Shutting his phone
in frustration.
He knew the woman
who loves him is moving away. whelp, he doesn't love her so I guess he doesn't care that much...

Holding in the pain until then.
Logic was on his side,
his heart was not. logic sticks out like a sore thumb.. The sound and syllables are off. Also your telling. Who knows if logic was on his side, of his hear for that matter. The poem has revealed nothing.
That moment he knew,
there was no right,
no wrong. starting to remind me of a teeny bopper pop song..

Just a wall
constructed again
to protect him
from feeling. tell me about it...

A choice made to preserve
his home.

He knows this space,
as if a waiting room.
He sits,
indifferent instrumentals
vibrating with no purpose
but to fill the void.

Noticing wheels
turning in front of him.
Looking up he puts down
the gas.

I find this poem frustratingly dull... Every new stanza I'm thinking this could be the place where it gets interesting.. But, no.

[Bunx]

Routes and Regret

Commuting home from work
stuck in a jam.
started by an accident.

Now is the time to call her.
Hours wait highway ahead.

Their relationship
had a beginning
an end.

Shutting his phone frustrated.
Progression complicated

lost love is always clearer
in the rearview mirror.

He found out a brunette
who loves him
is moving away.

He held pain
until then.
Logic was on his side,
time was not.

She asked him to move,
Could he leave?

That answer is an indirect...
"I wish."

That moment he knew,
there was no right
no wrong.

Just a wall
constructed again
to protect him
from feeling.

[SpruceMoose]

This poem for me is a little too literal to start. Maybe I am wrong but there doesn't seem to be much reason for me to feel what the subject of the poem feels either. "Shutting his phone frustrated" is as close as we get. Maybe there is another way we can show the reader he is frustrated? White knuckled, revving engine, etc.. if the car is an extension of himself then maybe put the car in a more transparently parallel predicament.
"Could he leave?" Could be stronger, again its very literal.
I really like the last stanza.

[Bunx]

Thanks for the feedback. I added a little more to the poem to help explain the nature of the monotone flat affect theme

---

Oh wow admin I saw this in my drafts
It is a version of "Pile Up" whoops

[Quixilated]

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Thanks for the feedback. I added a little more to the poem to help explain the nature of the monotone flat affect theme

---

Oh wow admin I saw this in my drafts
It is a version of "Pile Up" whoops

I can merge threads for you if you want?

[Bunx]

Sure I like Pile Up alot more.

I've been editing aton of my manic ummm thinking?

[Quixilated]

Sure I like Pile Up alot more.

I've been editing aton of my manic ummm thinking?

No worries, that’s a good place to look for poetry.  

Alright, it’s merged.  Let me know if there’s anything else. 

[Bunx]

Thank you!! we are set!