Ode to Ralph Wiggim

[SpruceMoose]

V2

We could laugh just as children do
Not living by middle aged rules

Yet caught in cages of maturity
As scarred and time sharpened tools

Jammed in lurching economy
Dented broken burned

We long again for friviloty
And are freed by lessons unlearned

______________________________

We often laugh as children do
Not living by middle aged rules

In cages of demure maturity
Scarred and time sharpened tools

Jammed in lurching economy
Dented broken burned

Who long again for puerility
When freed by lessons unlearned



(Thats not the real title. I don't have one. But what I do have is poor understanding of sentence structure... after all
these
years.
But I start an english course Monday.  Pointers are much appreciated.)

[Knot]

Hi Spruce,
you lose me at the last line ('not living by' already suggests 'freed by')
Also, are you sure 'puerility' is the word you're after? Puerile is generally used as an insult so ... ?

Are you trying for a regular rhythm? Four beats per line?

We often laugh as children do
ignoring all the drab, grey rules

of middle age. Those social cages
....

Seems to me there's a bit of a jump from L3 to L4 (should there be a period at the end of L3?)

It feels like your a couple of lines short, it doesn't end that satisfyingly, to me at least.

Best, Knot

.

[SpruceMoose]

So what I am after is more of an Us and Them. S1 being us. S2-4 describing them. S4 being how they can be free of the cage.

I am unsure of how to word that to briefly define that shift. Or maybe i could make it just about the "us" and end it with "we're/we were."

Puerility was the word replacing childishness. Not meant to be an insult. Will consult thesaurus further on that count.

[Knot]

Hi Spruce.

I am unsure of how to word that to briefly define that shift. Or maybe i could make it just about the "us" and end it with "we're/we were."

Just a thought ...

We often laugh as children do
Not living by middle aged rules

In cages of demure maturity
Like those scarred and time dulled tools .......... are you sure about 'sharpened'?

all jammed in lurching economy
...

Puerility was the word replacing childishness. Not meant to be an insult. Will consult thesaurus further on that count.
Similar problem with 'childishness' (I think) - might you be looking more towards 'innocence'?

Best, Knot

.

[CRNDLSM]

We often laugh as children do
Not living by middle aged rules
Is the 'we' you? Or society? And is it the children specifically not living by middle aged rules that you laugh as? Or is it you, we, living by middle aged rules, not often laughing, I understand I think what you're saying but unless I say it in a sing song get-to-the-end way I get caught up in slightly confusing details.  
In cages of demure maturity 
Scarred and time sharpened tools
I'm getting 'list' vibes, are the cages scarred? The 'we' in the cages scarred? Are we the tools? It's sort of a bunch of symbols mixed together
Jammed in lurching economy
Dented broken burned
More list, 'a' lurching economy? Lurching economies?
Who long again for puerility
When freed by lessons unlearned
If you long again for puerility, do you often laugh as children do? Do you long for puerility when you're free? Or do you have it?

I believe Ralph wiggum is unfortunately a caricature of learning disabilities and would suggest an ode to puerility since i had to look that word up.  Thanks for including it.  And thanks for posting


(Thats not the real title. I don't have one. But what I do have is poor understanding of sentence structure... after all
these
years.
But I start an english course Monday.  Pointers are much appreciated.)

[Bunx]

This reminds of like living the pirate life Luffy in One Piece.
I'm not much for structure feedback. Though I would this poem expanded.
I'm thinking about my life recently like today I played basketball with this cute family. This Aunt taking care of her sisters kids.

Just adding one example of a middle aged man letting loose.

"Riding my bike down a hill
Thinking about falling because I can"

Kind of thing..

This poem inspires lean in on that for future works .
When were in late stage capitalism were all pirates anyways

[SpruceMoose]

So I made a v2 and placed it above. I am not able to expand it yet--though I am entirely for it--the force isn't with me at the moment.
I did change puerility just to see if a different image would be a better and less redundant fit.

I don't mean to offend anyone as far as the ttile and learning disabilities go. But often I do feel like "me fail english, thats umpossible." Because honestly I am not good at the technical aspects of language, it has been very difficult for me to grasp. 
Kind of an inside joke that oddly tied into the s4 of the poem.

I really appreciate the feedback, keep it coming!