The Prophet

[Leanne]

Edit #1 -- now with new improved line breaks...

The day I fell asleep­, the lights went on
in studio six.  Behind my lids, miles of cable
and gaffer tape twisted around Herakles
preparing hydra three ways as Hera criticised
his lack of sauce.  Two fallen stars turned to boys
on a staging ground; a city wall was raised, razed,  
dusted and fed to wolves with crossed eyes.
 
I rolled and the world turned with me.  Dido puzzled
isoperimetrically and someone found the salt.  
No, there is no room in this dish for an elephant,
unless poached.  Beware, the idols are burning. 
 
Here in sleep, I am divine and diviner.  It has happened:
it will happen.  Myth and man are no mystery. 
You turn your back, fiddle and the world catches fire. 
Where are your roses now?  Nobody will have you.  You are evicted,
extracted, amazed.  I offer you my vision; you cast it aside.  
 
Tomorrow I will wake to blindness, rise, and tread my eyes
into the dirt. 


Original

The day I fell asleep­, the lights went on
in studio six.  Behind my lids, miles of 
cable and gaffer tape twisted around Herakles
preparing hydra three ways as Hera criticised
his lack of sauce.  Two stars turned to boys on a
staging ground and a city wall was raised, razed, 
dusted and fed to wolves with crossed eyes.
 
I rolled and the world turned with me.  Princesses
puzzled isoperimetrically and someone found the salt. 
No, there is no room in this dish for an elephant,
unless poached.  Mind, the idols are burning.  All is dark.
 
Here in sleep, I am divine and diviner.  It has happened:
it will happen.  Myth and man are no mystery.  You turn
your back, fiddle and the world catches fire.  Where are
your roses now?  Nobody will have you.  You are evicted,
extracted, amazed.  I offer you my vision.
 
Tomorrow I will wake to blindness, rise, and tread my eyes
into the dirt.  You will never see.

[tectak]

The day I fell asleep­, the lights went on How I despise the metaphor that walks in bright light yet I cannot see it. Whose fault is this? We are musing here. Herak(hercu)les may well be up for a pairing with Hera but the domesticity of the gods is surely more of a myth than a muse? So as an opener I am ready to be mythtified...I may be my own disappointment. Please tell me it is not a (day) dream.
in studio six.  Behind my lids, miles of  Beware the man of two books. I could draw the power output stage, class A, push-pull pentodes, no neg. feedback of the studio six all-vacuum tube amplifier...too obscure? Too esoteric? Too much jargon? Well, you started it Still, I am mythtified ( and if that ain't a word it should be).
cable and gaffer tape twisted around Herakles
preparing hydra three ways as Hera criticised Of course I like it. What's not to like...but I am adrift and NEED divine guidance. It is the Prophet that throws me. Hercules, Hera and the prophet? Help indeed. You make metaphors on the hoof. Not like you. I am Lingua in Maxillam...no, I am Lingua in Maxillam.
his lack of sauce.  Two stars turned to boys on a
staging ground and a city wall was raised, razed, 
dusted and fed to wolves with crossed eyes.Again, an odd diversion from an odd diversion. Are you drunk, woman?
 
I rolled and the world turned with me.  Princesses
puzzled isoperimetrically and someone found the salt. 
No, there is no room in this dish for an elephant,
unless poached.  Mind, the idols are burning.  All is dark. "All is dark" adds nothing here but even if it does to your greater scheme it sticks out architecturally
 
Here in sleep, I am divine and diviner.  It has happened:
it will happen.  Myth and man are no mystery.  You turn
your back, fiddle and the world catches fire.  Where are
your roses now?  Nobody will have you.  You are evicted,
extracted, amazed.  I offer you my vision. I have become old reading this. If thinking substitutes for knowing then we are all dilettantes...and worn out, to boot.
 
Tomorrow I will wake to blindness, rise, and tread my eyes
into the dirt.  You will never see. Gobbledygook. That felt good

Hi leanne,
this reads to me like giving breech birth to an adult. You just had to get it out but you hung on too long and the thing got bigger and bigger until the waters broke and..and..and...out it all came in a rush, fully formed, but a stranger. Others may say what a beautiful baby but until I'm introduced I don't know enough to strike up conversation. I do hope you are well.
Bested,
tectak

[Brownlie]

I'm basically trying to decode this.

The day I fell asleep­, the lights went on
in studio six.  Behind my lids, miles of -- I get the sleeping and the blind prophet. I'm not sure I get the first part about the lights being on.
cable and gaffer tape twisted around Herakles -- The connotative meaning of cable and gaffer tape is giving me a Kevin Sorbo version of Hercules. I'm also not sure on the spelling of Herakles. I've seen it spelled Heracles, but whatever way I'm not sure it really matters.
preparing hydra three ways as Hera criticised
his lack of sauce.  Two stars turned to boys on a -- I had to double take through the whole poem to get the cooking.
staging ground and a city wall was raised, razed, 
dusted and fed to wolves with crossed eyes. -- This seems to be the Trojan war, and then a move to roman references with the wolves. So, it seems like you have a sort of sweeping prophetic view of history encapsulated here.  
 
I rolled and the world turned with me.  Princesses -- I like the idea of someone simply rolling in their sleep, especially considering that their dream world might be their conception of reality.
puzzled isoperimetrically and someone found the salt. -- Well to be honest, much of the geometry and princesses is lost on me. I get the plosives and a possible reference to Greek mathematics.
No, there is no room in this dish for an elephant,
unless poached.  Mind, the idols are burning.  All is dark. -- The cooking is kind of hidden in the punning, which is an intriguing technique.
 
Here in sleep, I am divine and diviner.  It has happened: -- To me, this divine and diviner/ happened will happened suggests a sort of melodramatic prophesy. Perhaps the language could be changed to suggest the same thing without repetition?
it will happen.  Myth and man are no mystery.  You turn
your back, fiddle and the world catches fire.  Where are
your roses now?  Nobody will have you.  You are evicted,
extracted, amazed.  I offer you my vision.
 
Tomorrow I will wake to blindness, rise, and tread my eyes -- This is probably fine, but I had trouble connecting "treading" to eyeballs, though I've heard of trodden dream coats in poems.
into the dirt.  You will never see. -- Not sure who "you" is.

I left some comments. Mainly I was a little confused at certain points, but that may be because it is intentionally ambiguous or I don't get the whole poem.

[Leanne]

Hi leanne,
this reads to me like giving breech birth to an adult. You just had to get it out but you hung on too long and the thing got bigger and bigger until the waters broke and..and..and...out it all came in a rush, fully formed, but a stranger. Others may say what a beautiful baby but until I'm introduced I don't know enough to strike up conversation. I do hope you are well.
Bested,
tectak

That's a fair cop, Tom. This was a quick rush of bullshit at 5am this morning because I was annoyed about not writing anything and I had reality tv stuck in my head. That's a bad combination. I think there are things here to draw out but I thought I'd float it first and see what (if anything) worked. It's more allusion-heavy than I wanted it to be, and I never know what other people will know because I know it all

There will, of course, be edits. I haven't posted anything unedited for a long time and really want to get back into the process.

I left some comments. Mainly I was a little confused at certain points, but that may be because it is intentionally ambiguous or I don't get the whole poem.

Brownlie, thank you. I am sorry about the Kevin Sorbo image I will do my best to make the historical references a little clearer as ambiguity for its own sake is certainly not ok. There will be more work done.

[NobodyNothing]

Hi Leanne.  There are two poems you wrote and posted here where I remember going "huh, say what?"  There's something pretentious about this one. almost like an in-authentic brain fart for you (you are so talented that you can pull off sterling brain farts).  There were two "line breaks" that I would have done differently (though perhaps you would have disagreed).  

I remember when I first came on this site.  Your "leopards a leaping" poem.  I loved that one.  So playfully sprite and intelligent.  Then that sonnet you wrote...whew!  One of the best (to me) that I've read on this site.  

I wished I knew how to be a good critic.  I'm always thinking how I would have done it.  Me, me, me, me, me...

You're always fun to read.  I read a lot on this site.  Bad critic.

Sometimes I think I'd love to "tell you" what to write, and then see what you do.

Me. me, me again.  

[Leanne]

NN, you can tell me what to write if you like -- I can always tell you to go jump Actually, one of the pieces I like the most is the sonnet that milo asked for, so I'm always open to a challenge.

[NobodyNothing]

NN, you can tell me what to write if you like -- I can always tell you to go jump  Actually, one of the pieces I like the most is the sonnet that milo asked for, so I'm always open to a challenge.

When I first REALLY discovered poetry (later in life), it was fricking amazing!  It's all I wanted to do.  It's hard to explain that megalomania you feel when you're in the inside and feel powerful there, a king or queen inside, a conquistador of the human heart.  

You have to have that, don't you?  

I don't have it now, perhaps never did.  Delusional.  But I get it.

Love and kisses to you.  

[Magpie]

Edit #1

The day I fell asleep­, the lights went on
in studio six.  Behind my lids, miles of --- I'm not sure if lids is one of the many subtle cooking references, as in the 'lids' of pans, either way, could it be 'beneath my lids'
cable and gaffer tape twisted around Herakles --- The way this comes across to me is 'miles of cable and miles of gaffer tape' which I'm not totally sure was your intention --- I'm presuming Hercules is spelt in the Greek way to show the connection to Hera, although I don't know if I fully understand that connection, although having said that just this moment I've thought about how the blind prophet was male and turned into a female... this would make sense
preparing hydra three ways as Hera criticised --- Should Hydra be capitalised? I also kind of want it to be 'nine ways' one for each head, but I understand that 'three ways' has other possibilities
his lack of sauce.  Two fallen stars turned to boys on a --- I get the sexual innuendo with sauce, but then after that I'm a bit lost, perhaps my lack of knowledge in Greek mythology, which I'm realising more and more is a necessity when reading this.
staging ground; a city wall was raised, razed,--- I really aprreciate the play on words here, and although it would be wrong for me to say 'cliche' but I can't help but think that the 'raised, razed' must have been used before... 'braised'?? yeah I know, just ignore me
dusted and fed to wolves with crossed eyes.
 
I rolled and the world turned with me.  Dido --- Once again I'm unaware of the significance of Dido here --- That's why it may sound stupid when I say, any possibility that this could be Rhea which is an anagram of Hera which could fit in with the puzzled aspect 
puzzled isoperimetrically and someone found the salt.--- 'isoperimetrically' - cheers for the eductaion 
No, there is no room in this dish for an elephant, --- The shift in the speakers tone is a bit confusing here, who is the speaker telling that there is 'No room', is the first 'No' necessary 
unless poached.  Beware, the idols are burning.  --- Again with 'Beware' I'm wondering who is being spoken too. Without the 'No' and 'Beware' in these two lines the passage would work fine, which leads me to thinking even more that there is a specific purpose for their inclusion, but it's not currently making sense to me.
 
Here in sleep, I am divine and diviner.  It has happened:--- I can't help but want to be part of the cooking analogy game and therefore was thinking of the possibility of 'It has been well done: overdone' --- I done gone too far.
it will happen.  Myth and man are no mystery.  You turn
your back, fiddle and the world catches fire.  Where are --- I'm making a connection between 'world' here and 'world' in the previous stanza and linking them both to the cooking analogy, which confuses me a little bit because I thought hydra was on the menu, or is hydra representitive of the world, or have I just gone too far again
your roses now?  Nobody will have you.  You are evicted,
extracted, amazed.  I offer you my vision; you cast it aside.  
 
Tomorrow I will wake to blindness, rise, and tread my eyes
into the dirt. 


Original

The day I fell asleep­, the lights went on
in studio six.  Behind my lids, miles of 
cable and gaffer tape twisted around Herakles
preparing hydra three ways as Hera criticised
his lack of sauce.  Two stars turned to boys on a
staging ground and a city wall was raised, razed, 
dusted and fed to wolves with crossed eyes.
 
I rolled and the world turned with me.  Princesses
puzzled isoperimetrically and someone found the salt. 
No, there is no room in this dish for an elephant,
unless poached.  Mind, the idols are burning.  All is dark.
 
Here in sleep, I am divine and diviner.  It has happened:
it will happen.  Myth and man are no mystery.  You turn
your back, fiddle and the world catches fire.  Where are
your roses now?  Nobody will have you.  You are evicted,
extracted, amazed.  I offer you my vision.
 
Tomorrow I will wake to blindness, rise, and tread my eyes
into the dirt.  You will never see.

Hi Leanne,
This is the kind of poem I would have read two years ago and then run away many many miles from because it scared the crap out of me. It still does a little bit, but I can kind of see where the keys are to open it up now. It may be just me and my lack of education in greek mythology and advanced geometry but there is a hell of a lot here to decode and unravel before it starts to kind of make sense but even then I'm still at a loss as to what it's all about. Although having said that everytime I read it I get a few more bits and pieces and I did enjoy the many hidden cooking references and different bits of word play. I also enjoyed the fact that I had to work so hard, although I'm not sure if that was your intention, without google I would have... ermmm had to wait until the library was open. But that is the modern world... I do have google and whoever writes a poem knows that the reader has every opportunity to find out even the most obscure reference.

Secretly I'm hoping that your going to come back and say that 'yes Herakles and Hera was intentional and represented the blind prophet in both male and female form', you have no idea how happy that would make me. Just pretend, even if I'm wrong.

Not sure how much of this is more like analysis than a critique but hopefully there are elements that were getting towards a critique.

Thanks for the read,
Mark

[Leanne]

Hi Mark,

Herakles is the Greek spelling (no "c" in Greek), and I'd always use Hera -- if I'd Romanised it I'd have Hercules and Juno, and that just sucks. Romans pinch everything. Bloody Romans, what have they ever done for us? Neither Hera nor Herakles are prophets though, just players. Heroic, once. We seem to have rather diminished the use of the word "hero". Hera, the rather long-suffering sister-wife of Zeus the mad shagger, always turns up as a bit of a shrew keen on vengeance toward her husband's sperm receptacles. The two stars are the Dioskouri, Castor and Polydeuces (Pollux to the bloody Romans), more by-blows of Zeus who was big on bastardising all of mythological Greece for a while there... later the twin thing showed up with a lot of similarities in the Romulus and Remus story, which in turn shares a lot of interesting ideas with the birth of Jesus. But I digress, sort of, or maybe not. Then we wander off to Carthage, where Dido's puzzle (what's the shape with the largest area that can be covered by strips of skin from an ox hide) originated and baffled maths boffins for centuries after. Still, a smart woman has no place in history -- so Carthage is better known for that silly bugger Hannibal marching elephants through the snow and eventually irritating Rome so much that they sewed the land with salt, thus rendering the isoperimetric problem to a vague curiosity rather than the pride of a living city. Some civilisations, it seems, just can't deal with rivals. Of course, that sort of thing would never happen these days...

When once we masked with myth the suffering inflicted by man on his fellows, today we hide it behind the trivialities of reality TV and what colour a dress is on Facebook. So I don't know, maybe this will never be clear and is too esoteric but I felt I owed you an explanation because you have actually given me quite a lot to think about for future edits. I greatly appreciate it, thank you.

[tectak]

Hi Mark,

Herakles is the Greek spelling (no "c" in Greek), and I'd always use Hera -- if I'd Romanised it I'd have Hercules and Juno, and that just sucks. Romans pinch everything. Bloody Romans, what have they ever done for us? Neither Hera nor Herakles are prophets though, just players. Heroic, once. We seem to have rather diminished the use of the word "hero". Hera, the rather long-suffering sister-wife of Zeus the mad shagger, always turns up as a bit of a shrew keen on vengeance toward her husband's sperm receptacles. The two stars are the Dioskouri, Castor and Polydeuces (Pollux to the bloody Romans), more by-blows of Zeus who was big on bastardising all of mythological Greece for a while there... later the twin thing showed up with a lot of similarities in the Romulus and Remus story, which in turn shares a lot of interesting ideas with the birth of Jesus. But I digress, sort of, or maybe not. Then we wander off to Carthage, where Dido's puzzle (what's the shape with the largest area that can be covered by strips of skin from an ox hide) originated and baffled maths boffins for centuries after. Still, a smart woman has no place in history -- so Carthage is better known for that silly bugger Hannibal marching elephants through the snow and eventually irritating Rome so much that they sewed the land with salt, thus rendering the isoperimetric problem to a vague curiosity rather than the pride of a living city. Some civilisations, it seems, just can't deal with rivals. Of course, that sort of thing would never happen these days...

When once we masked with myth the suffering inflicted by man on his fellows, today we hide it behind the trivialities of reality TV and what colour a dress is on Facebook. So I don't know, maybe this will never be clear and is too esoteric but I felt I owed you an explanation because you have actually given me quite a lot to think about for future edits. I greatly appreciate it, thank you.

My point exaktly,
tektak.
( aka Popeye the Sailor Man)

[NobodyNothing]

NN, you can tell me what to write if you like -- I can always tell you to go jump  Actually, one of the pieces I like the most is the sonnet that milo asked for, so I'm always open to a challenge.

PS> It was "lepers a leaping...".  I was watching something on the news about that Cecil the lion and my fingers punched out "leopards" instead of "lepers".  lol That poem was so fun to read.

As for a that theme,  I'd LOVE to see you write one about...POSTERITY, in the most intimate way you can imagine.  At my age, it's just about all that keeps what I yet value alive.

I love your stuff.  I'm more of a reader here than anything else now.  

[Leanne]

Normally I'd groan at the idea of such an abstraction, but I'm bored, so I'll see.

[NobodyNothing]

Normally I'd groan at the idea of such an abstraction, but I'm bored, so I'll see.

It may have sounded "abstract", but that was not my intent.  I'm getting old.   Of course, there's no god.  What's left as I head into the darkness?  My son? Future generations?  Passing on what you can in meaningful way before you die?

What else?

But picking out your subject matter, what brings this most painful human mortal element to life...for you...something like that I was getting at.  

PS> I can't write it.  I would if I could.  Too much for me.  Perhaps not you. 

[cjchaffin]

Edit #1

The day I fell asleep­, the lights went on
in studio six.  Behind my lids, miles of <-- here
cable and gaffer tape twisted around Herakles
preparing hydra three ways as Hera criticised
his lack of sauce.  Two fallen stars turned to boys on a <-- here
staging ground; a city wall was raised, razed, 
dusted and fed to wolves with crossed eyes.
 
I rolled and the world turned with me.  Dido <-- here
puzzled isoperimetrically and someone found the salt. 
No, there is no room in this dish for an elephant,
unless poached.  Beware, the idols are burning. 
 
Here in sleep, I am divine and diviner.  It has happened:
it will happen.  Myth and man are no mystery.  You turn
your back, fiddle and the world catches fire.  Where are <-- here
your roses now?  Nobody will have you.  You are evicted,
extracted, amazed.  I offer you my vision; you cast it aside.  
 
Tomorrow I will wake to blindness, rise, and tread my eyes
into the dirt. 


Original

The day I fell asleep­, the lights went on
in studio six.  Behind my lids, miles of 
cable and gaffer tape twisted around Herakles
preparing hydra three ways as Hera criticised
his lack of sauce.  Two stars turned to boys on a
staging ground and a city wall was raised, razed, 
dusted and fed to wolves with crossed eyes.
 
I rolled and the world turned with me.  Princesses
puzzled isoperimetrically and someone found the salt. 
No, there is no room in this dish for an elephant,
unless poached.  Mind, the idols are burning.  All is dark.
 
Here in sleep, I am divine and diviner.  It has happened:
it will happen.  Myth and man are no mystery.  You turn
your back, fiddle and the world catches fire.  Where are
your roses now?  Nobody will have you.  You are evicted,
extracted, amazed.  I offer you my vision.
 
Tomorrow I will wake to blindness, rise, and tread my eyes
into the dirt.  You will never see.

i've been sitting on this for a few days and finally have a chance to comment.
i want to love it, but right now i can only really really like it a lot.
the most important part of the edit is that you named Dido...i don't think a lot of people will get the reference otherwise.
but that's neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things. it just makes the timeline make more sense, i think.

content-wise, i like it as is, because i'm a mythology geek and i get the references straight out the gate.
but some of the line breaks/enjambment choices don't sit well with me (they're in bold).
i get why they're there but they speed up the read too much for my taste.
this poem needs to be read slowly; there's a lot going on here and a lot to take in.
i'd rather that the punctuation do its job properly and leave the cleverness to the context 

otherwise, a very solid read, not much to pick on, and one that i will be coming back to again and again for sure.

[Turtle]

Edit #1

The day I fell asleep¬, the lights went on --- strong opener
in studio six. Behind my lids, miles of --- I like the ambiguity here, but I suggest moving “of” to the next line to help with the ambiguity and the flow
cable and gaffer tape twisted around Herakles
preparing hydra three ways as Hera criticised --- This should be criticized, spelled with a z
his lack of sauce. Two fallen stars turned to boys on a --- This line break is clunky, consider breaking at a different spot to help the flow here
staging ground; a city wall was raised, razed,
dusted and fed to wolves with crossed eyes.

I rolled and the world turned with me. Dido --- I understand the mythological references here, but the alliteration of the letter ‘p’ using the original “princesses” had a better flow, and leaves out the lesser known figure Dido. I’m also a little confused about why you’d switch the word “princesses” for the founding queen of Carthage “Dido”.
puzzled isoperimetrically and someone found the salt.
No, there is no room in this dish for an elephant,
unless poached. Beware, the idols are burning.

Here in sleep, I am divine and diviner. It has happened:
it will happen. Myth and man are no mystery. You turn --- I really like the line “Myth and man are no mystery.” I’m a fan of the alliterations, and it references the previous lines about the ancient Greek figures as well. I’d recommend you change this line break though, it seems clunky and unnecessary.
your back, fiddle and the world catches fire. Where are --- again, this line break seems out of place. I do like the break after “evicted” though.
your roses now? Nobody will have you. You are evicted,
extracted, amazed. I offer you my vision; you cast it aside. --- I like the shift here from the original. It leaves it stronger in my opinion.

Tomorrow I will wake to blindness, rise, and tread my eyes
into the dirt. --- This ending seems incomplete. I will have to contemplate that some more and get back to you.


Overall I really liked this piece. That largely depended on my previous experience with Greco/Roman mythology though I think. The only major thing that I think I noticed is the line breaks. A bit of restructuring with those and this poem would be much more readable.

[Leanne]

Thanks folks. Line breaks are easy to fix. Personally I don't always like complete phrases on complete lines, but two views in opposition is near enough to consensus for change.

Turtle, the princess was always Dido, I just named her because I thought maybe people needed Googling help. She was a princess when she fled her brother and got hold of her oxhide -- the isoperimetric puzzle is a pretty famous one in mathematics.

Also, just a heads-up: anyone who's not American won't appreciate you 'correcting' their spelling when it's already correct in pretty much every other English-speaking nation...

Thanks again for very helpful critiques.

[Leanne]

P.S. This was never intended to be "about" mythology. If that's where it's stuck, I think I'll just shelve it and give it up as a fail.

[cjchaffin]

P.S. This was never intended to be "about" mythology.  If that's where it's stuck, I think I'll just shelve it and give it up as a fail.

it wasn't about mythology for me either, but already being familiar with the characters referenced 
definitely helped make the piece stronger and come to life in more ways than one, at least for me.

most def not a fail!

[Turtle]

Thanks folks. Line breaks are easy to fix.  Personally I don't always like complete phrases on complete lines, but two views in opposition is near enough to consensus for change.
Turtle, the princess was always Dido, I just named her because I thought maybe people needed Googling help.  She was a princess when she fled her brother and got hold of her oxhide -- the isoperimetric puzzle is a pretty famous one in mathematics.  
Also, just a heads-up:  anyone who's not American won't appreciate you 'correcting' their spelling when it's already correct in pretty much every other English-speaking nation...  
Thanks again for very helpful critiques.

Like I said, I liked it a little more when it was a princess reference.
Thanks for the heads up on the spelling. I get so used to editing proposals and forget. I could have asked if that was the intended spelling.

[Quixilated]

P.S. This was never intended to be "about" mythology. If that's where it's stuck, I think I'll just shelve it and give it up as a fail.

Leanne, I hope you aren't serious about shelving it. I have read this so many times, and every time was different. Before you explained the references I read it several times and liked the images, even though I knew I was missing half of it. After you explained it (not your fault I needed it explained, it's been over a decade since I've thought about the Greeks) I read it several times more and love it even more. It's beautiful, thought provoking, and witty. It makes me feel like I'm inside someone's mind while they're dreaming and the characters are all jumbled together and flashing by, a little Alice in Wonderland but with Greeks as the players. And as I said before, even if it had no meaning at all, the jumble of words in this order are evocative and alluring. I just really need you to like it and keep it because it's wonderful. Sorry about the rant ... I get a bit protective of poems I like, even if they aren't mine.
--Quix