On The Stair, In The Hall

[Cousin Kil]

Revision

ON THE STAIR, IN THE HALL

She looked
like a chimney sat alone in a field
where a home used to be,
and her eyes, man, her eyes
were green lit fire
like hold you hazy
and love you
she said to me
I don’t wanna be a burden
and I told her
It’s okay to be a burden every
once in a while,
as she stood on the stair
telling me she was just fine and I knew she was lying
then her lip trembled,
dragged out a drop like smoke
that she tried to hold in but
I grabbed her and put her
under my chin, which was easy
‘cause she was small,
and it felt natural,
then we went in the hallway
and sat through the damp morning feeling choked
as she vaguely described
her stamped out hearth,
her new grey lines,
the soot,
and I hoped with my arms
I’d kept her warm for the time

Original

ON THE STAIR, IN THE HALL

Last I saw her, she looked
like a chimney sat alone in a field where
a home used to be
and her eyes, man, her eyes
were green lit fire
like tender and care
and hold you hazy
and love you
and she said to me
I don’t wanna be a burden
and I told her
It’s okay to be a burden every
once in a while
and I haven’t seen her since
but I can see those eyes in my head
as she stood on the stair
telling me she was just fine and I knew she was lying
so I told her she’d never have to tell me
what it was
but that we’d probably never be here again
on the stair, together
and that she could tell me what hurt
and never be here again
she could tell me what hurt
and maybe she’d feel better
then her lip trembled
and she tried to hold it in but
I grabbed her and put her
under my chin, which was easy
‘cause she was small,
and it felt natural
then we went in the hallway
and sat through the
damp morning while she vaguely described
the horror of her life, and the soot
and I hoped with my arms that I’d
kept her warm for the time

---------------------------------

This one's kind of personal. I'm putting it in Serious because though I think it's close to being finished, there are parts that need flushing out and parts that I think come off as cliche, even if the feeling in them isn't. Beat it up. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

[Todd]

Hi Cousin Kil', welcome to the site! Okay let me give you some feedback.

ON THE STAIR, IN THE HALL--The title doesn't do much for you. I also have some slight troubles with your first line. I don't think the setting is the important part. Perhaps pull up some of your current first line as a replacement title "Last I Saw Her"

Last I saw her, she looked --If you go that route "She looked like a chimney" might be a better opening. The current line is all transition. It doesn't pull us in. If the title focuses us instead on what the speaker SAW than rapid fire descriptors like you have may focus the poem better.
like a chimney sat alone in a field where--Where doesn't seem like an exceptionally strong word to break on. Consider breaking on field maybe.
a home use to be--used
and her eyes, man, her eyes--I don't mind the repetition or the voice here.
were green lit fire--I like that this still fits with the chimney idea you first introduce. It implies intensity.
like tender and care--Not fond of this. It doesn't add to the image. Its not what I would take away from fire. You could play with the idea of warming you, but these words just don't convey a lot.
and hold you hazy--Hold is a bit difficult to connect here, but the hold you hazy isn't bad because it implies smoke--again it ties into your chimney image.
and love you
and she said to me
I don’t wanna be a burden
and I told her
It’s okay to be a burden every
once in a while--There is something I like in the tone of all this. There's a point though where dialogue simply feels like dialogue. I'd like to see you tighten this up a bit without as much he said/she said repetition.
and I haven’t seen her since
but I can see those eyes in my head--You need more build up than just showing her eyes earlier to make this line be believable. There's got to be more happening and more at stake.
as she stood on the stair
telling me she was just fine and I knew she was lying--This sort of "I knew she was lying" revelation might make for a really good ending line if you restructured.
so I told her she’d never have to tell me
what it was
but that we’d probably never be here again
on the stair, together
and that she could tell me what hurt
and never be here again
she could tell me what hurt
and maybe she’d feel better--Again lot of repeating the same idea. If you condensed this you would have room to explore other things in the same space.
then her lip trembled
and she tried to hold it in but
I grabbed her and put her
under my chin, which was easy
‘cause she was small,
and it felt natural
then we went in the hallway--Again, this sequence may set mood but it needs to be more memorable. You need to go deeper with these ideas to have them break loose.
and sat through the--bad line break here, pull up damp morning maybe.
damp morning while she vaguely described --I like damp morning. It also seems to imply mood and a shift of emotion.
the horror of her life, and the soot--Soot good, horror of her life is shorthand that can't connect anything. You would be better with one or two subtle concrete things that happened to her.
and I hoped with my arms that I’d
kept her warm for the time--Not a horrible ending. I think it would be stronger if the speaker actually believed that's what they were doing and then further down the poem ending on the "I knew she was lying" idea.


Just thoughts

---------------------------------

This one's kind of personal. I'm putting it in Serious because though I think it's close to being finished, there are parts that need flushing out and parts that I think come off as cliche, even if the feeling in them isn't. Beat it up. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

I hope some of that helped. There are things I like here that I think you could develop.

Best,

Todd

[Cousin Kil]

Todd,

Thanks a bunch for taking the time to critique my poem!
I'd been having trouble deciding on cuts and parts for reworking, especially because I'm particularly attached to this one, but reading (and re-reading) what you had to say really hit a lot of the nerves I was taking issue with.
I've condensed it down quite a bit and made other alterations for an all around better poem (I think). It'll need a little more smoothing perhaps, but let me know what you think of the revision. I implemented most of your critiques, exempt being the part about dialogue and the title. Firstly, I'm leaning toward disagreeing about the dialogue because 1) I feel it's placement helps with the roll of the words (at least when I read it) and tone ( as you noted) and 2) this was a real experience of mine and honestly I'm having trouble writing anymore detached from it... and perhaps, is it more effective said the way it's said? does that make it more real for a reader? or is that even a valid point? I don't know, but I really like it the way it is. Of course I'll take a revisit to the problem if others find themselves with a similar opinion to yours.
Secondly, I'm really attached to the title, so I placed it as a secondary title which I feel works- I've done that with two other pieces I've written, and honestly, why not have your cake and eat it too haha.

Also, I'm not sure how happy I am with the last two lines. Personally, I don't think they're particularly bad, I'm just worried that they come off sensitive but not sincere... like sensitive for the sake of being sensitive. That was not my experience. I've read many a poem that does that and I resent the hell out of them. I don't write like that, and I don't want to start to.
I'd love to know how it came off when you first read the poem

All in all though, your critiques were the shiz-nit, and I really appreciate all of them.
I know the above is kind of verbose, so I hope it didn't come of as annoying and/or obnoxious

Many thanks,
CK

[newsclippings]

I know this is serious workshopping and I want to get back to this poem but I disagree with Todd about the title. I quite like it.

[Cousin Kil]

Newsclippings!
I disagreed too haha, there's something about it that hits me... I don't how it hits me, but it does
What do you think about it as the secondary title? And what do you think of the new primary title?
Hahaha, also, eventually, what do you think of the poem? I'm interested to hear more from you.

Thanks!
CK

[newsclippings]

Revision

THE FLUE (ON THE STAIR, IN THE HALL) I still don't think you need "The Flue" here, the title is ample.

there’s fire where there’s smoke and there's water where there's steam?

She looked
like a chimney sat alone in a field
where a home used to be What do you think about rearranging these first three lines? Like a chimney alone in a field // She looked // where a home used to sit, not sure this sounds better but I don't know how I feel about the beginning.
and her eyes, man, her eyes
were green lit fire Do you light fire with green?
like hold you hazy
and love you
and she said to me the two ands are purposeful?
I don’t wanna be a burden
and I told her
It’s okay to be a burden every -every
once in a while
as she stood on the stair
telling me she was just fine and I knew she was lying -and, maybe add a comma?
then her lip trembled
dragged out a drop like smoke
and she tried to hold it in but are you sure you want an and here?
I grabbed her and put her
under my chin, which was easy
‘cause she was small,
and it felt natural here too?
then we went in the hallway
and sat through the damp morning feeling choked here too?
while she vaguely described
her stamped out hearth, I don't know what this means but it may have something to do with my own illiteracy
her new grey lines
and the soot
and I hoped with my arms
I’d kept her warm for the time a while?

Your poem has good meat, but I would tenderize the point.

[Cousin Kil]

Revision

THE FLUE (ON THE STAIR, IN THE HALL) I still don't think you need "The Flue" here, the title is ample.

there’s fire where there’s smoke and there's water where there's steam?

She looked
like a chimney sat alone in a field
where a home used to be What do you think about rearranging these first three lines? Like a chimney alone in a field // She looked // where a home used to sit, not sure this sounds better but I don't know how I feel about the beginning.
and her eyes, man, her eyes
were green lit fire Do you light fire with green?
like hold you hazy
and love you
and she said to me the two ands are purposeful?
I don’t wanna be a burden
and I told her
It’s okay to be a burden every -every
once in a while
as she stood on the stair
telling me she was just fine and I knew she was lying -and, maybe add a comma?
then her lip trembled
dragged out a drop like smoke
and she tried to hold it in but are you sure you want an and here?
I grabbed her and put her
under my chin, which was easy
‘cause she was small,
and it felt natural here too?
then we went in the hallway
and sat through the damp morning feeling choked here too?
while she vaguely described
her stamped out hearth, I don't know what this means but it may have something to do with my own illiteracy
her new grey lines
and the soot
and I hoped with my arms
I’d kept her warm for the time a while?

Your poem has good meat, but I would tenderize the point.

Thanks for the critique News. I'm glad you pointed out the "and" issue. Reading the poem to myself it felt very natural for some reason which is why I wrote it that way, but seeing someone read it and find it unnatural pushed me to "tenderize" and omit some of the "ands". The places where they stayed is where I felt they were the most natural, even if a little redundant, but I think the poem is now overall for the better.
Made other revisions as well upon reading the critique. Let me know what you think about the latest revision, particularly about the last line. I think I like it better than the original, but would love to get a second opinion.

Also in regards to the line about the hearth, I wanted to stick with the chimney image as well as address the idea of a violation/abuse going on. I decided a good way to express that would be "stamped out hearth", as in someone stamped out coals on the hearth of a fireplace, leaving behind ash.
The line following, "new grey lines", is meant to the combine the image of the ash with the idea of her reciting practiced lines and lies after such abuse in order to not be a "burden" on others, as she put it.

Thanks again,
Cousin Kil

[newsclippings]

CK, I've just read this out loud and realized it's one big run on sentence. The line breaks don't necessarily denote pause (well, not for me anyway). Also, does the last line really say what you want to say? Poets tend to use the last line to pack a punch, and if you change the whole meaning...I can't say I know if it's good since I have no idea what you originally intended---get me?

[Cousin Kil]

CK, I've just read this out loud and realized it's one big run on sentence. The line breaks don't necessarily denote pause (well, not for me anyway). Also, does the last line really say what you want to say? Poets tend to use the last line to pack a punch, and if you change the whole meaning...I can't say I know if it's good since I have no idea what you originally intended---get me?

Haha I didn't realize until you pointed it out. I usually read my stuff fast and ugly and pause where it's natural for me- I'll punctuate so it nudges the reader to do so where I want, thanks for pointing out.

On the last line, I'd have to say what it says is accurate and doesn't change the meaning... but reading it, it doesn't hit as hard. And that's the point of the poem, now that I'm thinking of it, to hit hard and make you feel what I felt. I don't think the original line is perfect as of yet but it feels more.
I gotta a fickle head on me, apologies.

CK