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I've added two stanzas working backwards
though I'm unsure how to make it sound sombre
I should explain that rescue crews wear orange here
No plans no fears
A journey and a trip
Dancing along the bluff
The boy to close the lip!
That frantic call
A whispered shout
A field full of fatigue
Searching the day about
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath
I repaired what remained.
first musings
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath and
Angels repaired what remained.
it's short on purpose, I really don't like doing the rhyming thing.
maybe a pointer or two would help it expand, add a stanza before this one?
It's not developed enough for full critique
I'm slightly mad and completely obsessed with language
Please forgive my spelling and punctuation 
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(07-10-2015, 02:20 PM)TheOnlyRedSmurf Wrote: The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath and
Angels repaired what remained.
There was not really enough forme to get hold of a concrete image or thought line as it stands so yes i think you need to add to this one. One suggestion would be to deconstruct it into a Haiku or Senryu perhaps and then when you have nailed down the image you are looking for then to re-expand it back into a fuller poem. As to the rhymes i would suggest you don't get so hung up on this and just let them happen if they naturally appear in the line as you write.
The below is what (images) your poem gave me as it stands
Scattered twigs
and stained litter wrapings
lie beneath.
Angels repaired what remained.
so (for example) this could deconstruct down to (Not saying this is your image just where your poem took me)
Beneath the litter
and scattered twigs,
an Angel repairs
the broken nest.
Hope this is of some help AJ.
it's short on purpose, I really don't like doing the rhyming thing.
maybe a pointer or two would help it expand, add a stanza before this one?
It's not developed enough for full critique
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
[quote='TheOnlyRedSmurf' pid='193700' dateline='1436505625']
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath and
Angels repaired what remained.
it's short on purpose, I really don't like doing the rhyming thing.
maybe a pointer or two would help it expand, add a stanza before this one?
It's not developed enough for full critique
[/quote
Hello red,
You write in sentences.Put a period at each line end and lose the "and" word...
now you can call it "Seeing Red".
...but call it some bloody thing.
respect,
tectak
Posts: 14
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Joined: Sep 2014
The poem is VERY oblique. it's about VR or vertical and general rescue. the twigs are bones, the wrappings clothes or bandages. the litter is the rescue frame that they lift/carry people with and the angels are the medics who put the patient back together. it's something I have some training in and the lines came to me of all places in the shower. not sure why and is at the 3rd line
I'm slightly mad and completely obsessed with language
Please forgive my spelling and punctuation
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Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
(07-10-2015, 09:53 PM)TheOnlyRedSmurf Wrote: The poem is VERY oblique. it's about VR or vertical and general rescue. the twigs are bones, the wrappings clothes or bandages. the litter is the rescue frame that they lift/carry people with and the angels are the medics who put the patient back together. it's something I have some training in and the lines came to me of all places in the shower. not sure why and is at the 3rd line
Unfortunately you were not with me to explain that.  Maybe you can use your title to plant that in my head and lead me in the right direction, I had no idea.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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Hello only red-
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath and the meter falls apart
Angels repaired what remained.one too many words, probably "repaired" not needed
A suggestion:
beneath the litter
angels strained
and then add an ending...
Since I read your comments, I know what you're talking about, BUT I would never know without that after-the-fact-info. The explanation MUST be within the poem. Especially as an American, I would never guess that "litter" is a "stretcher" (the 'merican word for it). Even if you used "stretcher" I still wouldn't know what's going on-- the clues must be included, please. Perhaps the title could be that clue.
The power of a short poem lies in a swift punch, and there is no punch line here.
Since it's not done, there is still time...
... Mark
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uh-oh red-
It really does look like you are going backwards.
No plans no fears
A journey and a tripif there are no plans, how did the journey occur?
Dancing along the bluff maybe "... a trip while dancing along the bluff" would help. Without a period after "bluff" followed by the capital "D", it makes "journey and a trip" either unclear or redundant
The boy to close the lip! I hope you meant "too close to the lip"
That frantic call
A whispered shout frantic doesn't whisper, and whispers don't shout, usually
A field full of fatigue hmmm... nice alliteration, but fatigue/full are at odds, as fatigue suggests emptiness
Searching the day about odd phrasing here
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath
I repaired what remained. the meter is working against itself here L1. & 2= -/-/- -/-/ then 3= -/-/-/ and 4= --/--/. The back to back anapests throw it outta whack, I'm afraid[/ b]
So, what do we have? Boy on an unplanned journey falls off of cliff. Someone whispers frantically for help, searching about full of fatigue. Something is wrapped up. Then, without punctuation it reads " ... the litter lies beneath I repaired.. (which is confusing) and "remained is tacked on to rhyme with "stained".
I think that maybe you are over thinking this, and by trying to be oblique, you are instead becoming obscure. The choppy sentences aren't working like you were hoping they would-- the lack of punctuation and caps at each first word need to be reconsidered.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, and maybe someone else will see it differently.
... Mark
Posts: 14
Threads: 5
Joined: Sep 2014
No, it's all good criticism. there are a lot of double meanings thought. I will try to explain it.
No plans no fears, people often go out in to nature with no plan or preparation other than to just go
A journey and a trip the trip has the double meaning of the fall later on
Dancing along the bluff
The boy too close the lip!
That frantic call, the phone call when the boy is lost
A whispered shout. the shout is whispered because he is hoarse from calling
A field full of fatigue, fatigue again has a double meaning, both the searchers filling the field or search area (working in classic pattern, arms width apart are tired (from searching) and it's what they wear, fatigues
Searching the day about
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained.
The litter lies beneath, the ending is forced but I'm not sure how to fix it without bringing everything to a halt like it needs
I repaired what remained.
it's really all just fragments of something that wasn't planned it just came together as a stream of thought, which may be why it's so hard to make it flow the way I want, the train is gone but I want to write it down.
I'm slightly mad and completely obsessed with language
Please forgive my spelling and punctuation
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if you don't like rhyming, why do it? rhymes/verse, non rhyming/stanza
The boy to close the lip! [yeah, i know boys who have to much lip] did you miss a [to] out? not always, but often; rhymes work well with a constant meter.
(07-10-2015, 02:20 PM)TheOnlyRedSmurf Wrote: I've added two stanzas working backwards
though I'm unsure how to make it sound sombre
I should explain that rescue crews wear orange here use sombre related words, shroud is a good one, corpse another, so is morgue, lifeless, dank and fuck me he's dead. 
it feels as though you're concentrating to much on the scene and not enough on the dead wrecked form of a child that's fucked up beyond repair. angles should be of the dark kind in poetry less you fall into hall mark territory.
No plans no fears
A journey and a trip
Dancing along the bluff
The boy to close the lip!
That frantic call
A whispered shout
A field full of fatigue
Searching the day about
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath
I repaired what remained.
first musings
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath and
Angels repaired what remained.
it's short on purpose, I really don't like doing the rhyming thing.
maybe a pointer or two would help it expand, add a stanza before this one?
It's not developed enough for full critique
(07-10-2015, 02:20 PM)TheOnlyRedSmurf Wrote: I've added two stanzas working backwards
though I'm unsure how to make it sound sombre
I should explain that rescue crews wear orange here
No plans no fears
A journey and a trip
Dancing along the bluff
The boy to close the lip!
That frantic call
A whispered shout
A field full of fatigue
Searching the day about
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath
I repaired what remained.
first musings
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath and
Angels repaired what remained.
it's short on purpose, I really don't like doing the rhyming thing.
maybe a pointer or two would help it expand, add a stanza before this one?
It's not developed enough for full critique
Posts: 695
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Oh red--
(07-11-2015, 01:42 PM)TheOnlyRedSmurf Wrote: No, it's all good criticism. there are a lot of double meanings thought. I will try to explain it.This is not a luxury you have with a poem, and I see did what you were attempting to do. As I said before, you need to figure out a way to include the clues, and please, please, stop with the explaining. Figure out the punctuation. Drop the caps when a line is intended to turn into the next-- esp " trip" to "Dancing". These easy fixes will help toward completing the poem and make it coherent to readers. A poem released too early gets frustrating for everybody, I'm afraid (at least for me).
No plans no fears, people often go out in to nature with no plan or preparation other than to just go
A journey and a trip the trip has the double meaning of the fall later on
Dancing along the bluff
The boy too close the lip
That frantic call, the phone call when the boy is lost
A whispered shout. the shout is whispered because he is hoarse from calling
A field full of fatigue, fatigue again has a double meaning, both the searchers filling the field or search area (working in classic pattern, arms width apart are tired (from searching) and it's what they wear, fatigues
Searching the day about
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained.
The litter lies beneath, the ending is forced but I'm not sure how to fix it without bringing everything to a halt like it needs
I repaired what remained.
it's really all just fragments of something that wasn't planned it just came together as a stream of thought, which may be why it's so hard to make it flow the way I want, the train is gone but I want to write it down.
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