A Corrosion

[fluorescent.43]

Final revision (thanks to DuelNature and Todd for the excellent critique!- I think I'm going to leave it as is after this):

the cloudy, prophetic dream is ending.
i think i'm a sleepwalker,
a sleeptalker. why's there
duct tape on my mouth?
must've dug out my brains while i
was at it. my bloody hands are shaking.

the sirens cycling around me
are sobbing quicksand tears, but i'm deaf
to everything except the quicksilver
love ballad playing in my ear.

the blood pouring out of my mouth
contains a shroud for the words i would've
liked to say to you.
i left it buried under the sea,
fossilizing.

the breaths i exhale are helium balloons
rising to all the heights i could
never ascend to.
am i running out of time?
my limbs are cantering
into an ungodly light and
why're there shadows spilling from my eyelids?

the words died on my tongue.
corroded into sweet acid.

i think i'll go out with a whisper:
(...here's to everything i never said, yeah?)

[[note: to anyone who reads this, when do you consider a poem "finished"? i write mainly for myself, so my standards of "finished" are probably quite low. --also, thanks to DuelNature for alerting me of a scientific inaccuracy in this (can something corrode into acid?), but i've decided to keep it as is because i like the image it creates (screw the laws of the universe ).]]

Revision (lots of thanks to billy and i.might.be.a.bit.sad for the critique!):

not tortured. not sainted.
the cloudy, prophetic dream is ending.
i think i’m a sleepwalker,
a sleeptalker. why’s there
duct tape on my mouth?
must’ve dug out my brains while i
was at it. my bloody hands are
shaking.

the sirens cycling around me
are sobbing quicksand tears, but i’m deaf
to everything except the quicksilver
love ballad playing in my ear.

the blood pouring out of my mouth
are scraps from the words i would’ve
liked to say to you (feathers, buried
under the sea, fossilizing)

the breaths i exhale are helium balloons
rising to all the heights i could
never ascend to.
am i running out of time?
my limbs are cantering
disappearing
into an ungodly light and
why’re there shadows spilling from my eyelids?

the words died on my tongue.
corroded into sweet acid.

i think i’ll go out with a whisper:
(…here’s to everything i never said, yeah?)

[[note: are stanza 2&3 (& possibly 4) too similar in structure? it's become less prose-y and stream-of-consciousness-y compared to the original, i suppose. but i'm having a problem with stanza 3 not quite flowing the way i wanted it to.]]

Original:

i think i’m waking up from a cloudy, prophetic dream that exists only in the minds of neither tortured nor sainted humans
i think i’m a sleepwalker, a sleeptalker ‘cause why is there duct tape on my mouth? must’ve dug out my brains while i was at it, ‘cause my bloody hands are shaking
i think the sirens cycling around me are sobbing quicksand tears, but i’m deaf to everything except for the quicksilver love ballad playing in my ear (...to this goddamned world)
i think the blood pouring out of my mouth are just the scraps of the words i would've liked to said to you (feathers, buried under the sea, fossilizing)
i think the breaths i’m exhaling are helium balloons rising to all the heights i could never ascend to
i think i’m running out of time ‘cause my limbs are cantering, disappearing into an ungodly light and why’re there shadows spilling from my eyelids? (the words died on my tongue, corroding into sweet acid)
i think i’ll go out with a whisper:
(…and here’s to everything i never said, yeah?)  

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

a quick note and a question too: i've no idea whether this is "conventional" poetry or not (pretty sure it's not) because it's more of a prose thing. but, to anybody who reads this, do you think parenthetical asides disrupt the flow of a poem? i use them (quite frequently, actually ) and would like to know if anyone else thinks this is a good thing or not. i'd like a bit of critique (or a lot, whichever works- or nothing at all, that works too)- please and thanks!

i think i’m waking up from a cloudy, prophetic dream that exists only in the minds of neither tortured nor sainted humans
i think i’m a sleepwalker, a sleeptalker ‘cause why is there duct tape on my mouth? must’ve dug out my brains while i was at it, ‘cause my bloody hands are shakingThese two sentences/phrases could be two different lines.
i think the sirens cycling around me are sobbing quicksand tears, but i’m deaf to everything except for the quicksilver love ballad playing in my ear (...to this goddamned world) I like the rest of the parentheticals but this one doesnt make much sense. Also why are the sirens sobbing?
i think the blood pouring out of my mouth are correct form would be "is"just the scraps of the words i would've liked to said to you (feathers, buried under the sea, fossilizing)
i think the breaths i’m exhaling are helium balloons rising to all the heights i could never ascend to at this point the i thinks are getting a bit old
i think i’m running out of time ‘cause my limbs are cantering, disappearing into an ungodly light and why’re there shadows spilling from my eyelids? (the words died on my tongue, corroding into sweet acid) dont quite get the italics here...
i think i’ll go out with a whisper:
(…and here’s to everything i never said, yeah?)  love the last lines, but could take out "and" in the last line.

While this may be prose-ish now, i think you could really pare it down, put in some line breaks, and it would be a beautiful poem. Just taking out a couple of the "i think"s or using a different phrase that conveys the same meaning would help the piece as is. I really love some of your word choice and metaphors. Great job!

[fluorescent.43]

a quick note and a question too: i've no idea whether this is "conventional" poetry or not (pretty sure it's not) because it's more of a prose thing. but, to anybody who reads this, do you think parenthetical asides disrupt the flow of a poem? i use them (quite frequently, actually ) and would like to know if anyone else thinks this is a good thing or not. i'd like a bit of critique (or a lot, whichever works- or nothing at all, that works too)- please and thanks!
i think i’m waking up from a cloudy, prophetic dream that exists only in the minds of neither tortured nor sainted humans
i think i’m a sleepwalker, a sleeptalker ‘cause why is there duct tape on my mouth? must’ve dug out my brains while i was at it, ‘cause my bloody hands are shakingThese two sentences/phrases could be two different lines.
i think the sirens cycling around me are sobbing quicksand tears, but i’m deaf to everything except for the quicksilver love ballad playing in my ear (...to this goddamned world) I like the rest of the parentheticals but this one doesnt make much sense. Also why are the sirens sobbing?  
i think the blood pouring out of my mouth are correct form would be "is"just the scraps of the words i would've liked to said to you (feathers, buried under the sea, fossilizing)
i think the breaths i’m exhaling are helium balloons rising to all the heights i could never ascend to at this point the i thinks are getting a bit old
i think i’m running out of time ‘cause my limbs are cantering, disappearing into an ungodly light and why’re there shadows spilling from my eyelids? (the words died on my tongue, corroding into sweet acid) dont quite get the italics here...
i think i’ll go out with a whisper:
(…and here’s to everything i never said, yeah?)  love the last lines, but could take out "and" in the last line.

While this may be prose-ish now, i think you could really pare it down, put in some line breaks, and it would be a beautiful poem. Just taking out a couple of the "i think"s or using a different phrase that conveys the same meaning would help the piece as is. I really love some of your word choice and metaphors. Great job!

thanks very much for taking the time to give me some critique- very helpful. i chose to say that the sirens were "sobbing" because... sirens are wailing, right?- i don't know, my brain led me to sobbing sirens. and you're right, the "i thinks" are quite repetitive. i'll be rewriting this now definitely.

[billy]

a quick answer to the parentheses question; i'm not skiled enough to know when or how often to them, i would say use anything including them sparingly [only when needed]

i think the blood pouring out of my mouth are just the scraps of the words i would've liked to said to you (feathers, buried under the sea, fossilizing) they work but do they work better than the semi colon [;] i don't think they spoil the flow per say

to me though the lines are long it does read as poetry. [usually the extremely lengthy lined poems are prose,] here you use metaphor extensively and also some allusion and some solid imagery.
i think you use a tad to much. if you just used the phrase once at the beginning and once at the end would read better?

apart from me being mind warped on the first line i thought it a good solid piece of writing.

a quick note and a question too: i've no idea whether this is "conventional" poetry or not (pretty sure it's not) because it's more of a prose thing. but, to anybody who reads this, do you think parenthetical asides disrupt the flow of a poem? i use them (quite frequently, actually ) and would like to know if anyone else thinks this is a good thing or not. i'd like a bit of critique (or a lot, whichever works- or nothing at all, that works too)- please and thanks!

i think i’m waking up from a cloudy, prophetic dream that exists only in the minds of neither tortured nor sainted humans while i understand it the latter part feels a bit convoluted.
i think i’m a sleepwalker, a sleeptalker ‘cause why is there duct tape on my mouth? must’ve dug out my brains while i was at it, ‘cause my bloody hands are shaking no need for the 2nd 'cause, i'd suggest cos instead of 'cause which i know is the truncated because. for me while cos is technically wrong, it has a better fit. love the use of bloody which could be literal, or just a mild expletive.
i think the sirens cycling around me are sobbing quicksand tears, but i’m deaf to everything except for the quicksilver love ballad playing in my ear (...to this goddamned world)
i think the blood pouring out of my mouth are just the scraps of the words i would've liked to said to you (feathers, buried under the sea, fossilizing) [just the scraps of the words] [are scraps from words]
i think the breaths i’m exhaling are helium balloons rising to all the heights i could never ascend to great image it also puts me in mind of speeck balloons in comics.
i think i’m running out of time ‘cause my limbs are cantering, disappearing into an ungodly light and why’re there shadows spilling from my eyelids? (the words [i]died on my tongue, corroding into sweet acid)
i think i’ll go out with a whisper:
(…and here’s to everything i never said, yeah?)  

[/i]

[Todd]

This feels really well put together right now. I only have a few comments for you to consider:

Revision (lots of thanks to billy and i.might.be.a.bit.sad for the critique!):

not tortured. not sainted. --This line may be important to you, but it feels like a weak opening. I would be perfectly content seeing you cut this line and start with line 2.
the cloudy, prophetic dream is ending.
i think i’m a sleepwalker,
a sleeptalker. why’s there
duct tape on my mouth?--I like this sequence a lot, the idea of words unsaid below at the end and the image of having your mouth duct taped. Even in a moment of unconscious control being unable to speak--very nice. 
must’ve dug out my brains while i
was at it. my bloody hands are
shaking.--I'm not sure this is strong enough to hold it's own line, if it was a pivot point between the first two strophes and shifted the meanings slightly when read in two different ways, maybe. Not as it sits now though.

the sirens cycling around me
are sobbing quicksand tears, but i’m deaf
to everything except the quicksilver
love ballad playing in my ear. --I like the quick/quick sounds. I love quicksand tears such a great way to think about be sucked down into sadness or depression. Quicksilver is also good because with the rest of the sequence suggests mercurial mood swings, maybe placing the context into a relationship where the speaker is constrained from speaking, and in this case hearing anything from the outside world to inform the relationship.

the blood pouring out of my mouth
are scraps from the words i would’ve--Blood doesn't feel like the right image to convey scraps. It feels too liquid. 
liked to say to you (feathers, buried
under the sea, fossilizing)--Maybe why you're having issues here (though I'm not positive) is you've shifted the focus of the personalized imagery to more external feathers, sea, sort of ideas. Maybe refocus the lens a bit. The you though is nice as it confirms the context. 

the breaths i exhale are helium balloons--This is nice because it also makes me think of comic speaking balloons. It's a great image. I also wonder (though this may not be intentional) about the nature of speaking after sucking in helium. The voice high cartoonish, childlike. As if there may be some area where the speaker feels less than an adult. Another option for the line may be: "I exale breaths as helium balloons"
rising to all the heights i could
never ascend to.
am i running out of time?
my limbs are cantering
disappearing--do you need both cantering and disappearing? It may be stronger with just one of them.
into an ungodly light and
why’re there shadows spilling from my eyelids?

the words died on my tongue.
corroded into sweet acid.

i think i’ll go out with a whisper:
(…here’s to everything i never said, yeah?)

[[note: are stanza 2&3 (& possibly 4) too similar in structure? it's become less prose-y and stream-of-consciousness-y compared to the original, i suppose. but i'm having a problem with stanza 3 not quite flowing the way i wanted it to.]]

Just some thoughts. I enjoyed the piece.

Best,

Todd