Look Where She Points

[DivineMsEmm]

Look Where She Points

A real woman has lived –
showing off
my experience in bed with
my stretchmarks and
I don't mind

celebrating sex with passion
and joy and not afraid to
disrobe to feed my child and
I don't mind

having
rough hands that have
diapered two bottoms and
I don’t mind

sharing my
laughter with crows feet and
I earned

every single silver hair and
I don't care to shave because
it's winter here nine months a year

Look at me, little ones –
with your new technology and
leggings for pants –
a real woman
is me – so see me –
I don't mind

[Leanne]

I don't think I can express quite how strongly this resonates. I really enjoy your enjambment between stanzas, with the repetition of "I don't mind". Every physical sign of ageing is a sign that you have lived. I have stretch marks on my bum, none on my stomach, and I think they're quite pretty -- a nice silvery reminder that having a baby is really hard work, but completely worth it. Yes, be a woman with confidence that doesn't come out of a bottle.

The only part of this I'm not super keen on is "a real woman is me" -- I feel this might be too overt.

[QDeathstar]

Look Where She Points

A real woman has lived –
showing off
my experience in bed with
my stretchmarks and
I don't mind

celebrating sex with passion
and joy and not afraid to
disrobe to feed my child and
I don't mind

having
rough hands that have
diapered two bottoms and
I don’t mind

sharing my
laughter with crows feet and
I earned

every single silver hair and
I don't care to shave because
it's winter here nine months a year

Look at me, little ones –
with your new technology and
leggings for pants –
a real woman
is me – so see me –
I don't mind

this is such a great poem after the first stana. I'll admit I read the first stanza, rolled my eyes a bit, noticed the lack of punctuation, and got ready to press the reply button. But then, I noticed the I don't mind being repeated, and so I had to know why.

I read the whole thing and was drawn into it without the burden of the first stanza. I think maybe the first goes on for a bit too long, or feels long, with the line breakers and -- ... I also think that starting off with "A real woman as lived--" comes off a bit accusational... what women aren't real women?

[DivineMsEmm]

Hi there, thanks for the feedback, sorry for the delay in responding.
Is the first line the problem, or the whole stanza?
Thanks!
--Emily

this is such a great poem after the first stana. I'll admit I read the first stanza, rolled my eyes a bit, noticed the lack of punctuation, and got ready to press the reply button.  But then, I noticed the I don't mind being repeated, and so I had to know why.  

I read the whole thing and was drawn into it without the burden of the first stanza. I think maybe the first goes on for a bit too long, or feels long, with the line breakers and -- ... I also think that starting off with "A real woman as lived--" comes off a bit accusational... what women aren't real women?

[nightKnight]

I like the tone and theme of this poem, however I don't really think the enjambment complements the poem, instead I think it subtracts from the feel of the poem. The enjambment to me add these small pauses instead of flowing freely. These small breaks seem a tad jarring, because the poem is all about being confident about yourself and happy with how and what we are, but these little pauses seem like hesitations, the mark of low confidence. Now that could be a brilliant juxtaposition of how people want to seem but how we end up feeling anyway, so if that's intended then hats off to you.
The reason i think the enjambment leads to these little 'pauses' is because the lines are so small (1st, 3rd and 4th stanza).

But like I said, i think the poem is good and I really like the tone and feel its just personally i feel the structure could use a little more work, but hey, some people have already said they like the enjambment so it might be down to personal preference

[QDeathstar]

Hi there, thanks for the feedback, sorry for the delay in responding.
Is the first line the problem, or the whole stanza?
Thanks!
--Emily

It is the first stanza...

this is such a great poem after the first stana. I'll admit I read the first stanza, rolled my eyes a bit, noticed the lack of punctuation, and got ready to press the reply button.  But then, I noticed the I don't mind being repeated, and so I had to know why.  

I read the whole thing and was drawn into it without the burden of the first stanza. I think maybe the first goes on for a bit too long, or feels long, with the line breakers and -- ... I also think that starting off with "A real woman as lived--" comes off a bit accusational... what women aren't real women?

---

It was the first stanza

[danny_]

Look Where She Points

A real woman has lived –
showing off
my experience in bed with
my stretchmarks and
I don't mind

celebrating sex with passion
and joy and not afraid to
disrobe to feed my child and love this
I don't mind

having
rough hands that have
diapered two bottoms and nicely done
I don’t mind

sharing my
laughter with crows feet and by this point i don't mind something that feels abstract because i like the poem. although i really can't say how one shares a laugh with crows feet. 
I earned love the sudden switch which makes me want to keep going

every single silver hair and
I don't care to shave because
it's winter here nine months a year love the sudden rhyming because it's increasing momentum, while making a clear point

Look at me, little ones – are little ones like young people, like early teens? that's what i would imagine.
with your new technology and
leggings for pants – leggings for pants. i am seeing those skin-tight stretchy pants? the new generation wearing them with their iPhones and stuff?
a real woman
is me – so see me –  clearly and simply ending on point
I don't mind

The confidence, candor, and imagery, simplicity, all make this a great poem. I like your style. I don't care about missing punctuation because it flows and it doesn't really need anything else. I like the "I don't mind" throughout, and the way stanzas are spaced.

If I were to find some area for expansion, you might even hammer one more impacting stanza at or before the end. A few more lines wouldn't hurt and you could give us one more good picture. That's not something that's absent - it's just an idea to create more force.

I don't understand how the title relates unless she is pointing at herself. But I don't care for that idea. 

Enjoyable read.