Posts: 54
Threads: 22
Joined: Dec 2014
I didn't get offered
smokes. I guess people assumed
that I would
never
hurt my body in that way.
We got drunk and almost
fell off the bed.
We did other stuff too,
things I liked because I didn't
have
to think. A month later,
I was still making up work
from that week I missed. I
"had the flu". I was "fine"
I...
lied. We smoked during
fourth hour, in that alley
behind school. I never thought
I would want to remember...
Oops.
Sometimes I feel like writing poetry and sometimes I watch Netflix. No judging.
Posts: 67
Threads: 0
Joined: Jan 2015
(06-07-2015, 12:16 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: I didn't get offered
smokes. I guess people assumed
that I would
never
hurt my body in that way.
We got drunk and almost
fell off the bed.
We did other stuff too,
things I liked because I didn't
have
to think. A month later,
I was still making up work
from that week I missed. I
"had the flu". I was "fine"
I...
lied. We smoked during
fourth hour, in that alley
behind school. I never thought
I would want to remember...
Oops.
Hi, I think the way you've structured this works. It has a sneaky-smoke-in-that-alley (who?me??) feel about it. When I first read have between stanzas 2 and 3, I wasn't sure why you'd isolated that word. Then I realised the words to the left are from the title, and there's a difference between thinking and having to think. I'm also thinking what I'm writing may not be making much sense (!!), so I hope others will come along and say something more helpful.
Loved reading this aloud :-) G.
Posts: 36
Threads: 9
Joined: May 2015
(06-07-2015, 12:16 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: I didn't get offered
smokes. I guess people assumed
that I would
never
hurt my body in that way.
We got drunk and almost
fell off the bed.
We did other stuff too,
things I liked because I didn't
have
to think. A month later,
I was still making up work
from that week I missed. I
"had the flu". I was "fine"
I...
lied. We smoked during
fourth hour, in that alley
behind school. I never thought
I would want to remember...
Oops.
Really nice use of space here, and really great inversion on the expected result at the end here. I think both really work to great effect. The content of the stanzas in between is also really sharp and well fleshed out, but not overdone either. I think this is a really complete poem you have here, thanks for the read!
-Em
-"You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital."
--"A hospital? What is it?"
-"It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now."
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
it's hard for me to give any constructive feedback. i like the run up to the white lie, the feeling you confessed because you feel guilty.
if i had to say something needed changing it would be a minor thing.
move the oops to the beginning of the line or put it i the title.
i think the enjambment adds more than a little to making it read well. the pause feel in the right place as does the follow on in the next lines where you used it.
(06-07-2015, 12:16 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: I didn't get offered it reads like a weak opening line except for the enjambment saving it [which is a good thing]
smokes. I guess people assumed
that I would
never
hurt my body in that way.
We got drunk and almost
fell off the bed.
We did other stuff too,
things I liked because I didn't
have
to think. A month later,
I was still making up work
from that week I missed. I
"had the flu". I was "fine"
I...
lied. We smoked during
fourth hour, in that alley
behind school. I never thought
I would want to remember...
Oops.
Posts: 11
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2013
I thought the spacing of your poem was interesting; at first, I didn't really understand it because I didn't really know how to read it... It eventually grew on me but I'm not sure for what reason... Maybe because of the novelty?
I liked the part about smoking... How people didn't think that you'd harm yourself. It almost resonates with the point of getting drunk and (possibly to fondling) in bed because you don't really think about it - just like how you don't intentionally think to harm yourself with cigarettes - it's a harmful side effect.
The way that I interpreted this poem ( I don't know too much about the itty gritty details of writing good poetry with the rhythm and the metrics and stuff, but I care more about trying to understand the poet and the purpose of the poem) is that you feel guilt about certain events (ie. About smoking, about having drunk/sexual encounters) that you thought were unlike your original self, hence, the title of your poem, Never Have I Ever. However, you couldn't help yourself to think about it as you gave yourself that moment to be where you're not supposed to be (out of class) to do what you're not supposed to do (smoke behind school) which can prompt you to remember, and think, about what you didn't imagine yourself to do in the first place. But you did. And now it's a matter of acceptance. You can put that one finger down in that game of Never Have I Ever...
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Joined: Jun 2015
this poem forces the reader to read it a few times to get what's going on which is a great start to any poem, I am a little confused about stanza 3 and think this could be left out, at stanza 4 they're smoking behind the school yet at stanza 3 the writer is catching up on work????, the poem reads like the subject is female and is being led astray by a male colleague/student, the structure is clever and interesting and a little more work on a rhyming scheme would really help this poem.
(06-07-2015, 12:16 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: I didn't get offered
smokes. I guess people assumed
that I would
never
hurt my body in that way.
We got drunk and almost
fell off the bed.
We did other stuff too,
things I liked because I didn't
have
to think. A month later,
I was still making up work
from that week I missed. I
"had the flu". I was "fine"
I...
lied. We smoked during
fourth hour, in that alley
behind school. I never thought
I would want to remember...
Oops.
Posts: 56
Threads: 14
Joined: Jun 2015
Wow, I like the form, it reminds me of Ellen Hopkins. I feel like it could be a bit more poetic, as some mentioned previously, a bit more work on pulling together the flow. I don't want to say rhyme, since that's not always the goal. But reading it aloud, it sounds a little off. It's really interesting, and I like what you have going here.
I relish writing bad poems, if it means someday I'll write a good one.
Posts: 8
Threads: 1
Joined: Jun 2015
It's interesting to read how others are interpreting this poem. For what it's worth, I read this as the subject having a pristine reputation, but getting drunk and having sex and getting pregnant, having an abortion, and missing a week of school for the procedure/grief, but pretending to have the flu. Once back at school, she ends up smoking after all because she doesn't want to remember the past week.
If that's NOT what is intended, then like pop poetry, I'm confused about the allusion to one month later and the week off.
That said--I love the structure of the poem and the allusion to the game "never have I ever." Very successful, I enjoyed it.
Posts: 54
Threads: 22
Joined: Dec 2014
(06-12-2015, 10:09 AM)queenconstantine Wrote: Wow, I like the form, it reminds me of Ellen Hopkins. I feel like it could be a bit more poetic, as some mentioned previously, a bit more work on pulling together the flow. I don't want to say rhyme, since that's not always the goal. But reading it aloud, it sounds a little off. It's really interesting, and I like what you have going here.
Ellen Hopkins was exactly what i was going for, thank you! I love her books and her tone. Thanks for the feedback, i think i was focusing mainly on getting the phrase to fit in.
Thanks!
Liz
(06-14-2015, 02:53 AM)Julia.rose.q Wrote: It's interesting to read how others are interpreting this poem. For what it's worth, I read this as the subject having a pristine reputation, but getting drunk and having sex and getting pregnant, having an abortion, and missing a week of school for the procedure/grief, but pretending to have the flu. Once back at school, she ends up smoking after all because she doesn't want to remember the past week.
If that's NOT what is intended, then like pop poetry, I'm confused about the allusion to one month later and the week off.
That said--I love the structure of the poem and the allusion to the game "never have I ever." Very successful, I enjoyed it.
Thank you for the kind words. I like you interpretation, although that is not what i was originally writing about. I think it fits with the timeline better. What happened is a lot more specific and probably only really makes sense in my own head 
I got drunk with this girl, and we ended up...doing things... She was the first and only person i ever smoked with, but she broke it off and i sorta really fell apart. I was extremely mentally unstable, as a month before i had spent a week in the hospital because of injuries related to a mental issue, and so i think i was mostly reflecting on this really unstable time in my life.
Not that you asked, but i felt like telling anyway, so sorry if that was too much info
Im so honored you thought it was effective, really meant a lot
Sometimes I feel like writing poetry and sometimes I watch Netflix. No judging.
Posts: 56
Threads: 8
Joined: Jul 2015
(06-07-2015, 12:16 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: I didn't get offered
smokes. I guess people assumed
that I would
never
hurt my body in that way.
We got drunk and almost
fell off the bed.
We did other stuff too,
things I liked because I didn't
have
to think. A month later,
I was still making up work
from that week I missed. I this stanza confused me until I got to the bottom line. Then it made some sense.
"had the flu". I was "fine" some punctuation here would help, but your other stanzas do perfectly well without punctuation on the last line, so... 
I...
lied. We smoked during
fourth hour, in that alley
behind school. I never thought
I would want to remember...
Oops.
I really like this! The enjambment is lovely and shakes up the rhythm a bit. "Oops", I think, is an odd way to end the poem but I can see why you chose to end it on that. But why's there a different amount of spaces above and below the isolated words? It might just be an aesthetic thing. Either way, quite some depth concealed in this poem.
 like you've been shot (bang bang bang)
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