Aviary Awakening

[Merrikay]

a red robin alights,
soft feathers forgotten
on drying earth

a breeze stirs,
a tornado threatening
to reach apex


Original

A Redbird departs earth,
Stirring a longing breeze on which
innocent feathers drift;
Like bees to a succulent orchid.
The hummingbird migrates
Leaving in its wake, a Phoenix
born from the ashes of naivety.

[milo]

A Redbird departs earth,
Stirring a longing breeze on which
innocent feathers drift;
Like bees to a succulent orchid.

The hummingbird migrates
Leaving in its wake, a Phoenix
born from the ashes of naivety.

Alright, so first, I think you misspelled "Aviary" in your title.
Second - think about where you break a line.  Are you using these breaks to maximum effect or are you just measuring them like pieces of wood?  . . .which?
Third - abstractions - they are poetry killers.  There is no such thing as "ashes of naivety"
Finally, modification.  Try to avoid modification that is just making your writing flabby.  Every time you modify, think, is it making the overall poem stronger?  Is it pointing directly to my central metaphor?  Is it creating the inadvisable effect of hyperbole or over drama?  I am looking at you, "succulent".

[billy]

all i can do is affirm milos posts for similar reasons. he said it better than i could have.
i'd add;

try it with some meter. and less verbiage.

A Redbird departs earth,
Stirring a longing breeze on which
innocent feathers drift;

to

A Redbird departs earth,
Stirring a longing breeze
innocent feathers drift;

a suggestion for the succulent line would be something along the lines of;

Like bees to a hovering in an orchid

[Todd]

Hi Kaela,

Let me add to the feedback you've received:

In any poem, but especially in short poems, make every word count. Try not to use words that move things forward but aren't interesting.

Your first line has departs in it. Think of the many ways something can depart. This is really vague. It reads more like a stage direction. Think about how to make that depart something more visual.

Same issue with the hummingbird migrates. I'm not saying you can't ever use words like that, but if they read flat you should consider substitutes.

Your bees line is your best use of simile in the poem. It should help set the example for you on the way to handle figurative language. Reject constructions like "longing breeze" or "innocent feathers" or "ashes of naivety" Why are these things this way? They do not possess these qualities because the writer wants them to. You have to ask yourself the question: If I want these feathers to represent a sense of innocence how do I make the image show that without just tagging them as innocent. This is how you get your imagery. It is more important also to let the image you choose do most of the talking. Try not to explain in the poem what the image is there for. When you do the work it will convey.

I hope some of that helps. You've shown a great enthusiasm and attitude toward putting in the work. You will get there.

Best,

Todd

A Redbird departs earth,
Stirring a longing breeze on which
innocent feathers drift;
Like bees to a succulent orchid.

The hummingbird migrates
Leaving in its wake, a Phoenix
born from the ashes of naivety.

[Merrikay]

@milo
Oops, I'm getting to used to spellcheck, and forget everything doesn't have it. I'll take more care in the future. Having no clue how to use line breaks, I was just trying to give it symmetry, I'll pay more attention to that aspect. I'm getting a better idea of what abstractions are now. As for succulent, I think I get why that didn't work, haha. Thanks for the helpful critique.

@billy
Thanks for pointing that out, I was working hard on trying to get some kind of coherent metaphor/imagery? I didn't even try, which is horrible! I'm realizing I need to think things through more thoroughly.

@todd
That helped a lot! So instead of "innocent feathers" if might be like "feathers fall, an offering to the past" I don't knkw, is that closer? Or feathers lay curled in the branches of the world tree?
Thank you for the kind encouragement.

[Todd]

Your thinking along the right lines. The feathers have to do the work. The image must speak.

the fluff of newborn birds for instance might give a sense of innocence--not saying you should use that, just illustrating.

When you find poets on the site that use a great deal of imagery, and you think wow that works--look at how they did it.

How did they build the image? How did they build on the image?

Then you can try those sort of constructions in your own work.

[Merrikay]

Gotcha, I'll keep reading, thank you.

[milo]

@milo
Oops, I'm getting to used to spellcheck, and forget everything doesn't have it. I'll take more care in the future. Having no clue how to use line breaks, I was just trying to give it symmetry, I'll pay more attention to that aspect. I'm getting a better idea of what abstractions are now. As for succulent, I think I get why that didn't work, haha. Thanks for the helpful critique.

We have had a number of good line break discussions on this very site!

[Merrikay]

Thanks, I will definitly be visiting them.

[Merrikay]

Edited with all your input! Absolutely no sarcasm here, what's wrong with it now?
Hope it's alright to bump, it's been a few days...

[Todd]

I'm sure it's obvious to you now that trusting the image, and not over-modifying it, is much better than trying to infuse abstract emotion into things. I'll give this some more thought and read it a few more times. I just wanted to mostly comment to say this is a step in the right direction.

[Merrikay]

Thanks! That's definitly encouraging, can't wait to hear more.

I'm sure it's obvious to you now that trusting the image, and not over-modifying it, is much better than trying to infuse abstract emotion into things. I'll give this some more thought and read it a few more times. I just wanted to mostly comment to say this is a step in the right direction.

[just mercedes]

a red robin alights,
soft feathers forgotten
on drying earth   I'm stuck with 'alights'; if the robin is just landing, how did the feathers get there? Each noun here has an adjective, which feels a little heavy.

a breeze stirs, I really like the link between the robin's wings and a tornado - another example of the Butterfly effect
a tornado threatening
to reach apex This really started  me thinking - can a tornado have an apex?


I also like the movement in your poem - from the close-up focus on a bird, down to feathers on the ground, then out to the sky, infinity. The innocent bird of the first strophe is threatened by the power of the second.

This poem is a great revision - you've moved away from abstract terms, you've shown the connection and tension between a bird and the wind that could kill it, and suggest that the bird has itself created this tornado that threatens it. I enjoyed reading the poem, the thoughts it called forth in me, and I'm especially impressed by your response to critiques.
Original

A Redbird departs earth,
Stirring a longing breeze on which
innocent feathers drift;
Like bees to a succulent orchid.
The hummingbird migrates
Leaving in its wake, a Phoenix
born from the ashes of naivety.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello queen c--

Accuracy is very important as you tighten this one down. If a bird is alighting, the " feathers forgotten" just do not work, as alight means "descend from the air and settle."

"Red and "soft" don't add anything to the poem, they way they're used: arbitrary descriptors.

Upon reading the original, I can see what you're working toward, but I would not have guessed without knowing what happened in that original.

I know it's hard to separate yourself from previous versions, but I'm sure you can as evidenced by how far you've brought this poem. It's a dramatic improvement.

Good luck. I expect the next version to be near perfect. (No pressure).
.... Mark

---

Back so soon? you ask....

I like this poem enough that I want to add another comment or two:

When you use "apex", I picture a pyramid... an upside down tornado, if you will. Within the description of how a tornado forms you may find helpful words, such as funnel, shear, etc...

Less useful, but, if you could work contrasting anapests and trochees you might be able to create the wind shear effects of a tornado. Anapests go " ba-da-bing, ba-da bump" --/ --/ and trochs go exactly opposite: "bonk-a-dee, bop-a-dee" /-- /-- ...

You may be on to a masterpiece. Or at least a personal best! Good luck & no pressure.
...Mark

[Merrikay]

justmercedes

Thanks! I wasn't really thinking when I wrote alights, that really doesn't make much sense, haha. I'll figure something else out. I'm not really sure if a tornado can have an apex, maybe another word would work better here. I'm glad you got what I was going for, and even more so, I hadn't thought out the connection between the bird and the wind that throughly, but now it has me thinking.. Thanks for the input!

Mark

Thanks for commenting! Youre right about red and soft, and as Mercedes said its weighing it down, I suppose. I see what you mean about accuracy, I'll pay more attention to that in my next revision. Thank you for the suggestions, that opened my mind to some new possibilities... I'm sure the next edit won't be perfect, haha, but I do think a personal best might be an achievable goal!

[alsayn]

Just a couple of things from me! I might suggest to use "tornado threatens" instead of "tornado threatening." It's personal opinion, but it seems more in the present and a little less clunky. Also, a thesaurus may be of use here with "apex," I'm not sure what other synonyms come to mind that aren't technical or out of place. Maybe something like "summit" or "zenith"?

[Merrikay]

Alsayn
Good ideas, thanks! I think you're right about "threatening" vs "threatens". I think I'll be changing apex as well, since it seems out of place. Thanks for commenting!