Red lace

[Merrikay]

I know there's a lot of work to be done, but I hope it's improving, I'm having trouble with how to wrap up an ending...

A tiara shatters on concrete,
Finally I see past Mercedes mask.
Fine merlot, expensive cologne drown me
I saw the red lipstick on white collar too late.
I gave you my pearls, you broke the string
all I had left in this world
Red lace peeks from under your bed,
Multiple handprints splatter your door.



This is me trying to stay away from the abstract images..
Crystal sky shatters above me,
I finally see past your gentleman's mask.
Fine wine, and expensive cologne drown me,
Thank god I saw the monster at last.
I didn't see the tissues stained red,
Until it was too late,
I gave you all, you gave me none,
That was my mistake
how did I miss the lacy thong on the floor,
The dirty handprints adorning the door.
They warned me of you, I was such a fool,
This is the price I pay.

[Magpie]

Hi, you've got some good images going on here. I've left a couple of thoughts that may help.

Crystal sky shatters above me, --- This image sets up the poem well
I finally see past your gentleman's mask.
Fine wine, and expensive cologne drown me, --- Careful of 'fine' next to 'wine', it adds a sing-song kind of element that doesn't suit the poem
Thank god I saw the monster at last.
I didn't see the tissues stained red, --- I presume that this refers to lipstick, it would probably be best to make it clearer
Until it was too late, --- This could be trimmed to "I saw the red stained tissues too late", without losing meaning
I gave you all, you gave me none, --- "none" feels awkward here although "nothing" would be cliche, is there another way of saying this
That was my mistake
how did I miss the lacy thong on the floor,
The dirty handprints adorning the door. --- Good images here but the rhyme seems out of place for this poem. 
They warned me of you, I was such a fool, 
This is the price I pay. --- Is this cliche?

There are some good concrete images and some nice ideas in here. Some of the punctuation seems a bit wayward, some commas feel as though they should be full stops.
Also just realised that this is in the 'novice' forum so I shouldn't have done a line by line really... Shhh, don't tell anyone.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[Merrikay]

Thanks! Yep, I kind of thought "this is the price I pay" might be cliche, now I'm sure.
A question, when you said "how did I miss the lacy thong on the floor, the dirty handprints adorning the door" felt out of place, did you mean the length of the rhyme didn't fit with the rhythm, or that it's just too rhyme-y? I don't really understand.. I'm going to work on this one, (including punctuation) post a revision within the next few days. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!

[Magpie]

A question, when you said "how did I miss the lacy thong on the floor, the dirty handprints adorning the door" felt out of place, did you mean the length of the rhyme didn't fit with the rhythm, or that it's just too rhyme-y? I don't really understand.. 

It was mostly because that there didn't seem to be any fixed rhyme scheme throughout the poem and the 'almost rhymes' in the beginning of the poem could be seen as not intentional and they therefore felt more natural whereas the 'floor/door' leaps out and doesn't feel right within the poem as a whole.

Thanks! Yep, I kind of thought "this is the price I pay" might be cliche, now I'm sure. 

Trying to avoid cliche would seem like such an easy thing to do but even the best of poets can fall into the cliche trap without even realising it. I think this happens a lot of the time because whilst writing a poem you get so involved and so up close to it that it is sometimes hard to see things unless you get a bit distance. Ideally it would be best to write a poem and then forget about it for a week or so and then go back to it by which time you have the distance to be able to look at it differently.
Another thing I mentioned to someone else recently was using a search engine like google which predicts what you are going to type. If it guesses it then chances are it is a cliche, it isn't foolproof but it can help in some way perhaps. Just now I had "the price I " typed in and it suggested "the price I pay", so??? I would also say that "fine wine" was a cliche as well as "thank god" but I didn't want to seem to harsh... ooopsss.

It gets easier, honest,

Mark

[Merrikay]

Haha, thanks for clarifying, I understand now. Using Google, that's a good idea! I'll have to try that out. I am aware that my poetry is painfully novice, I tried to use a different site to get some help, and all I got was generic compliments, so I'm just tickled to find some honesty. Thanks!

[billy]

i'd suggest a [the] or [A] to open the first line; is [above me] needed or is it a give that you're not a pilot and the sky is above  
sorry if i went to far with the feedback, there's more of the same to the end of the poem. cut back, chop out, lines like; that was my mistake. they add little and if you really want to use it, use [my mistake]. try to show the hand print, the thong, the poem has potential if you can add a bit more originality and remove some of the mundane lines/phrases.
welcome

This is me trying to stay away from the abstract images..


Crystal sky shatters above me,
I finally see past your gentleman's mask. would it read any better as [finally i]
Fine wine, and expensive cologne drown me, good image of being overpowered.
Thank god I saw the monster at last. lines like this can be shortened [then i saw the monster]
I didn't see the tissues stained red,
Until it was too late,
I gave you all, you gave me none, [nothing] could this be said in a new way?
That was my mistake
how did I miss the lacy thong on the floor,
The dirty handprints adorning the door.
They warned me of you, I was such a fool,
This is the price I pay.

[Merrikay]

Lmao, okay defiantly not a pilot, I get what you're saying, a lot of the unnecessary stuff like "mistake" was my trying to make it flow/rhyme. I see how it actually detracts now though... Grr, poetry is tough! I'm not giving up though, it's definitly worth the work...

[Wjames]

I know there's a lot of work to be done, but I hope it's improving, I'm having trouble with how to wrap up an ending...

A tiara shatters on concrete, I think this line might be a little stronger if it began with "my" instead of "a", but that's just persona preference.
Finally I see past Mercedes mask.
Fine merlot, expensive cologne drown me seems to me like there should be some sort of punctuation at the end of this line.
I saw the red lipstick on white collar too late. I don't know if you need "red", most people probably picture lipstick as red without it.
I gave you my pearls, you broke the string
all I had left in this world I think there should be a period here.
Red lace peeks from under your bed,
Multiple handprints splatter your door. I think multiple is redundant, as the "s" at the end of handprint implies there's more than one.

I think you could improve the title; I generally try and stay away from having the title appear in the poem itself. A strong title can add another layer to the meaning of the poem.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello queen c-

The problem I have with this piece, is that I know its outcome almost before it gets started. (Both versions)
 
Crystal sky shatters above me,  : cool image but without much connection to what follows
I finally see past your gentleman's mask. : as soon as you 'see past', I see the bad outcome ahead
Fine wine, and expensive cologne drown me,  : possibly the best line in the poem
Thank god I saw the monster at last.  : 'monster' just seems like the wrong word
I didn't see the tissues stained red,  : this is adding tension (good)
Until it was too late,  : the tension never builds
I gave you all, you gave me none,  : seems too general
That was my mistake  :this line adds nothing
how did I miss the lacy thong on the floor,  :needs a '?'
The dirty handprints adorning the door.  : 'adorning' is the wrong verb (think about it)
They warned me of you, I was such a fool,   :maybe the warning should come earlier
This is the price I pay.  eems like you just gave up on this poem with this line

The subject is so familiar that it's difficult to express it in a new way.  Leaving god out of it there are about a dozen nouns: sky, mask, cologne, monster, tissues, thong, handprints, door, price.   How can you build a better story around them?    

... Mark

[alsayn]

I know there's a lot of work to be done, but I hope it's improving, I'm having trouble with how to wrap up an ending...

A tiara shatters on concrete,
Finally I see past Mercedes mask.
Fine merlot, expensive cologne drown me
I saw the red lipstick on white collar too late.
I gave you my pearls, you broke the string
all I had left in this world
Red lace peeks from under your bed,
Multiple handprints splatter your door.



This is me trying to stay away from the abstract images..
Crystal sky shatters above me,
This is a good line, but doesn't seem to be connected to the rest. Perhaps crystal glasses or champagne flutes shatter? It fits the imagery you were going for as well as fitting the theme and decadence of your poem.

I finally see past your gentleman's mask.
Fine wine, and expensive cologne drown me,
The rhyming "fine wine" gets a bit sing-songy as Mark said, the specific "merlot" in the first version worked really well!

Thank god I saw the monster at last.
I didn't see the tissues stained red,
I'm not sure why you switched from red lipstick on collars to red tissues?

Until it was too late,
I gave you all, you gave me none,
That was my mistake
how did I miss the lacy thong on the floor,
The dirty handprints adorning the door.
It gets a bit sing-songy again here, and "adorning" seems sort of clunky

They warned me of you, I was such a fool,
This is the price I pay.
This poem built up some really strong imagery and the ending seems really abrupt

I'm much more a fan of the second version (also, hello!), and it has some really, really great parts. It seems like there's a really good underlying core topic but the imagery gets a bit scrambled. Both version have their merits, too, so I think a nice blend of both would make for a great poem!

[Merrikay]

Thank you! The top poem is the most recent revision. Still a work in progress, I'll keep your suggestions in mind.