The Band

[Shem]

The Band

To write with sharpened pencils
 now grown dull.
Our minds, the points are broken
 or grown dull,
when once the sharpness
 of our thought,
gave way to the emotion.

Actions proved our love.
Feelings fell, as actions
took their place.
In reflection,
the trades are made
 without a trace,
from years of quiet music,
silent moments from our race.
We did not know.

In our age we wonder
why we did this,
or that.
Did we learn,
more than we needed?
Did we make a lot,
to enjoy a little?

Were we to do it over,
would we pay attention,
to ourselves?
Would the band need to play,
 every tune?
Would just one do?
Would a song be a song
 sung through?

Would we stop?,
to give the band a break,
let the words sink in,
let the melody within,
give the band a break.

[tectak]

The Band

To write with sharpened pencils
 now grown dull.
Our minds, the points are broken
 or grown dull,
when once the sharpness
 of our thought,
gave way to the emotion.

Actions proved our love.
Feelings fell, as actions
took their place.
In reflection,
the trades are made
 without a trace,
from years of quiet music,
silent moments from our race.
We did not know.

In our age we wonder
why we did this,
or that.
Did we learn,
more than we needed?
Did we make a lot,
to enjoy a little?

Were we to do it over,
would we pay attention,
to ourselves?
Would the band need to play,
 every tune?
Would just one do?
Would a song be a song
 sung through?

Would we stop?,
to give the band a break,
let the words sink in,
let the melody within,
give the band a break.

Hi shem,
this is languishing and I think I know why. Of course, it could be that you are not helping others by crit...I do not know, I have not checked.
To the poem.Generally, it is not a good idea to write obscure poetry with lots of question marks. It implies that not only is the reader expected to struggle for meaning, but the writer has no idea, either.
Specifics. S1 repeats the dull word which makes the stanza...er...well, dull. Spark it up. It is your opening gambit. Same stanza you mention "the" emotion. Definite article in front of indeterminate subject. What emotion? Solution? Define before referencing or drop the "the" word. I like the metaphor very much but feel you have wasted the kudos because of hopeless syntax and punctuation.There ARE punctuation issues throughout but not to dwell on them, I suggest you simply think about what makes a sentence. Perhaps you could look at this another way. What ends a sentence? Well, a period, a question mark and an exclamation mark. So final stanza "Would we stop?" is a sentence. No comma required. You use too many commas. Read the piece out loud and feel where the pauses fall.
Overall you have overegged the philosophical musings to the extent that the piece reads like a precursor of something better to come. I hope it does.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Shem

Ditto everything Tom said. As for me, I have little to add, as there is little here that makes sense to me. The poem starts out seeming to over explain everything it says. The only problem is the explanations make things even less clear. This seems a case of a lot of information that should have made it to the page didn't get there, because the writer supposed that the reader knows what he knows. Outside of it not being center-justified like your other poem, they both end up in the same spot. BTW since I will probably not critique your other poem, about the only legitimate use of center-justify, besides old lady coffee table books, is for concrete, or shape poetry, outside of that it appears merely as an affectation.

Best,

Dale