For Her

[Hematite12]

She is the Starry Twins, called Gemini,
That shine, are gazed upon:
The human eyes are fixed on them.
Should I pronounce the traits
Inherent in the Gothic gates-
The gargoyles perch and stare
With crimson, bloodshot eyes-
Behind which is a beating Heart,
A bloody, scarlet, living Heart?
Its veins draw from the heav’ns;
Its arteries imbue with life
And purpose this brown sphere,
This ugly mass of dirt,
This egg-shaped rock of perfect imperfections.
It feels the burden of
A thousand watching, stony stares.
Like Gaia, sucked of soma-life
By suckling wolves of its creation.
Why live the life of she who feeds?
Unwise it was of Gaia, that Eternal Healer-
Better are loyal dogs in supplication
Than leeches, born for blood.
The Mother suffers for her sin.
The Heart is siphoned of its life.
The Stars are pinned on coal-black slate
And gazed at,
Scrutinized,
And used.
Perhaps love is a zero-sum game.
Or at least the nature of the hounds necessitates:
She who loves, and bares her heart
Gambles.

[onepapa]

She is the Starry Twins, called Gemini,
That shine, are gazed upon:
The human eyes are fixed on them.
Should I pronounce the traits
Inherent in the Gothic gates-
The gargoyles perch and stare
With crimson, bloodshot eyes- Too many clichés: bloodshot eyes, beating heart, etc
Behind which is a beating Heart,
A bloody, scarlet, living Heart?
Its veins draw from the heav’ns;
Its arteries imbue with life
And purpose this brown sphere,
This ugly mass of dirt,
This egg-shaped rock of perfect imperfections.
It feels the burden of
A thousand watching, stony stares.
Like Gaia, sucked of soma-life
By suckling wolves of its creation.
Why live the life of she who feeds?
Unwise it was of Gaia, that Eternal Healer- This line seems stilted, consider reworking it
Better are loyal dogs in supplication
Than leeches, born for blood.
The Mother suffers for her sin.
The Heart is siphoned of its life.
The Stars are pinned on coal-black slate
And gazed at,
Scrutinized,
And used.
Perhaps love is a zero-sum game.
Or at least the nature of the hounds necessitates:
She who loves, and bares her heart I think you need some sort of punctuation at the end of this line.
Gambles.

Hematite,

You should drop the practice of using caps to start each line. Almost all modern poetry has adopted the practice of using caps only where normally required. Also, your use of hyphens seems forced and perhaps it would be better to use normal punctuation.

I like the idea of your poem but it would be better if you can eliminate the use of clichés and find fresh ways to create the image you want to project.

onepapa

[Leah S.]

I'm sorry, but are you sure you want this in Serious Workshopping? There is almost no coherent meaning to be gleaned from this poem. No concrete images, and barely a complete sentence. Just as an example: "Should I pronounce the traits inherent in the Gothic gates-" Who are you asking? You should tell us, because obviously that person knows what traits you mean....but I sure don't. Also "pronounce" means either 'to enunciate clearly", or 'to declare formally and officially.' So you are asking some unknown authority to decide if you should practice your elocution by formally announcing the design principles and historical significance of ornate wrought iron gates?
Going back one line: "She is the Starry Twins called Gemini, that shine, are gazed upon:" So she is half of a pair of sequin-wearing conjoined twins that get stared at every time they go out in public? Somehow I don't think that is really what you meant, but if you don't give us any hint as to what your metaphors mean you leave us (your readers) no other choice but to fall back on the plain meaning of your sentences.
You also manage to get to the very end of a poem entitled "For Her" without ever giving us the least clue who 'she' is and what she means to you. I'm not even going to go into the gargoyles with bloody beating hearts in their eye sockets, or your strange need to announce that dogs are better than leeches.
I recommend that you take a simple, straightforward and mutually understood human experience that is common to all of us; then select one metaphor (just one!) and write a short poem about it, and post it in Mild Critique.

[Erthona]

"She is the Starry Twins, called Gemini,"

Are you not aware that Gemini is two twin brothers?

"In Greek and Roman mythology, Castor and Pollux or Polydeuces were twin brothers, together known as the Dioskouri. Their mother was Leda, but Castor was the mortal son of Tyndareus, the king of Sparta, and Pollux the divine son of Zeus, who seduced Leda in the guise of a swan. Though accounts of their birth are varied, they are sometimes said to have been born from an egg, along with their twin sisters and half-sisters Helen of Troy and Clytemnestra.
In Latin the twins are also known as the Gemini or Castores. When Castor was killed, Pollux asked Zeus to let him share his own immortality with his twin to keep them together, and they were transformed into the constellation Gemini." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castor_and_Pollux

So, as the basic premiss of the poem appears to be inaccurate, I don't see there is much reason to proceed further with the critique. One other note though, just because the Latin word "Gemini" appears singular to you, does not mean you can refer to it by the singular pronoun of "she". Gemini is a constellation composed of stars, what similar objects is "she" composed of. Plus the symbol of the constellation is of twins, which is plural, not singular.

I would suggest in the future trying shorter and less complex poems and posting them in novice or mild until you have progressed some.

Oh yes, as someone has said. Capping every line was a typesetting thing which became no longer needed and people realized it also made the reading easier to use punctuation as normal writing does. Your readers will thank you if you drop the line capping.

Welcome to the site,

Dale

[Hematite12]

Harsh.

As for the grammar in the beginning, "she" is singular, agreement with single verb "is", and a plural predicate nominative. It's just subject-verb agreement, and a metaphor. The "she" is not Gemini, the "she" is the subject of the poem, which I thought was implied, but evidently not.

So besides that the criticism was, caps, and too abstracted.

I'll not auto-cap in the future, though there are contemporary poets who do so, so whether I should or not ought to be a stylistic decision.

As for abstraction, a valid critique. What do you guys think of T. S. Eliot's poetry?

Thanks for the critiques.

[Leanne]

"She is the Starry Twins, called Gemini" sounds fairly definitive to me.  I am making an executive decision and moving this to Mild Critique, as it is evident from your reply that you are not sufficiently divorced from your poem to deal with objective criticism at this time.  On a small side note, you will find many discussions on various poets, including T.S. Eliot (to whom I am sure you were not comparing yourself), in Poetry Discussion.  The critique forums are not intended for such questions/ Admin

[ellajam]

Hi, welcome to the site. It may be that I don't get some of your allusions, but no matter how many times I read this I feel like its meaning is beyond me, I can't put it all together. But still, I'll offer the thoughts I do have about it.
First, I'd like to ask you about the capitalization of each line. I saw you offered in your own critique to someone else something along the lines of it being a stylistic choice and don't let anyone talk you out of what is right for the poem. I'm curious about why you made this choice because for me I might have had an easier time following this without it, I'm interested to know what you think it adds.
Through much of this the meter, though it sits below the surface, is strong and enjoyable.
Some notes:

She is the Starry Twins, called Gemini, I think the comma after Gemini and the colon below are confusing me from the start.
That shine, are gazed upon:
The human eyes are fixed on them.
Should I pronounce the traits
Inherent in the Gothic gates-
The gargoyles perch and stare I like this and the three lines below.
With crimson, bloodshot eyes-
Behind which is a beating Heart,
A bloody, scarlet, living Heart?
Its veins draw from the heav’ns; Two syllables no matter why you write it, why not heavens? Is the "it" the heart?
Its arteries imbue with life
And purpose this brown sphere,
This ugly mass of dirt,
This egg-shaped rock of perfect imperfections. IMO John Legend has banished "perfect imperfections" from poetry for the foreseeable future.
It feels the burden of "of" seems a weak and unnecessary break.
A thousand watching, stony stares. The stares lose me, I don't know where they're coming from.
Like Gaia, sucked of soma-life Love the sound of this line.
By suckling wolves of its creation.
Why live the life of she who feeds?
Unwise it was of Gaia, that Eternal Healer-
Better are loyal dogs in supplication That meter I spoke of has disappeared.
Than leeches, born for blood.
The Mother suffers for her sin.
The Heart is siphoned of its life.
The Stars are pinned on coal-black slate
And gazed at,
Scrutinized,
And used.
Perhaps love is a zero-sum game. Nice line, though I really don't know how we got here.
Or at least the nature of the hounds necessitates:
She who loves, and bares her heart
Gambles. I was let down by the end, all of life's a gamble, cliche and nothing new.

I hope I was able to explain myself well enough to give you an idea of the difficulty I'm having with this, and that my notes might help you with an edit.

Hope you enjoy the site.

[billy]

hi Ht

caps, it's a choice. it's often mentioned in feedback because it can affect how one reads a poem, i usually give a pause normally given with a period. but it is a personal choice.

the poem in general gives me too much and not enough. the last lines point to love yet the the main body of the poem feels like it's pointing to fear or/and struggle while i like the words in mid poem i'm not sure what they mean. the she i see as nature/the universe or something bigger than can be imagined.

She is the Starry Twins, called Gemini, i like the line, she is the universe, she is whatever you want her to be, in this instance part of she is the twins of said name. while it's ambiguous, i found not overly too ambiguous to think it a good opening line.
That shine, are gazed upon:
The human eyes are fixed on them.
Should I pronounce the traits
Inherent in the Gothic gates-
The gargoyles perch and stare
With crimson, bloodshot eyes-
Behind which is a beating Heart,
A bloody, scarlet, living Heart?
Its veins draw from the heav’ns; why not heavens?
Its arteries imbue with life
And purpose this brown sphere,i get a feel the poem is connected to final fantasy [the spirits within] if this is the case it needs a bit more of a connection to it, something direct for those who haven't seen it, if not then i'm a little lost as my brain is fixed to this focal point
This ugly mass of dirt,
This egg-shaped rock of perfect imperfections.
It feels the burden of
A thousand watching, stony stares.
Like Gaia, sucked of soma-life
By suckling wolves of its creation.
Why live the life of she who feeds?
Unwise it was of Gaia, that Eternal Healer-
Better are loyal dogs in supplication
Than leeches, born for blood.
The Mother suffers for her sin.
The Heart is siphoned of its life.
The Stars are pinned on coal-black slate
And gazed at,
Scrutinized,
And used.
Perhaps love is a zero-sum game.
Or at least the nature of the hounds necessitates:
She who loves, and bares her heart
Gambles.