While you're on the other side of the world to me

[Bananadon]

While you're on the other side of the world to me,
Everything will change, this side of the sea.
The howling wind will pass, the thick fog will go;
You'll hear my truth, you'll see my soul.

The feeling of electricity when I hold your hand,
As if lighting had struck twice where I stand,
Shoots up my arm and blows through my mind;
Like a shockwave, your touch ripples through my insides.

And if the world was forever eclipsed,
By the magic that passes between our lips,
I couldn't care for what they all might say;
For our love would shine brighter than the light of any day.

Whether washed up on some tepid tide,
Or lost in a maze, you'll forever be my guide.
You show me life, where all seems dead;
You make my life, I love you, Beth.

[Todd]

Hello, a couple of comments for you. If this is a personal poem you want to hand someone you could title it "Beth". Here are some comments in the lines.

While you're on the other side of the world to me,--You could cut "to me" its implied.

Everything will change, this side of the sea.
The howling wind will pass, the thick fog will go;--This implies to me that the anger, fights, and confusion will stop with the distance.
You'll hear my truth, you'll see my soul.--again implying that there's a difficulty of seeing this truth up close. Soul is a bit overused in love poetry--so be careful, a line like this can read as too melodramatic. That said, if its a personal poem given to someone it will probably be fine.

The feeling of electricity when I hold your hand,--electricity makes this line feel a bit too long and cumbersome.
As if lighting had struck twice where I stand,--This is all a nice idea but it sounds a little off to me. I'd try to tighten up the couplet.
Shoots up my arm and blows through my mind;--shoots up my arm is fine, blows through my mind doesn't suggest electricity. It feels a bit generic. Try to expand on your image of what the electricity might do. 
Like a shockwave, your touch ripples through my insides.--The shockwave could use a little build up so it doesn't seem like a list instead of an expected outcome.

And if the world was forever eclipsed,
By the magic that passes between our lips,
I couldn't care for what they all might say;
For our love would shine brighter than the light of any day.--A bit over dramatic for my tastes, but might work in the personal love poem. I think more specific choices and less generic shorthand would still make it stronger. "Magic" "love would shine brighter than the light of any day" don't really add much original power to this.

Whether washed up on some tepid tide,---I don't know if this servers you well. It could imply that you're sometimes unenthusiastic about being with her...tepid isn't helping this for me.
Or lost in a maze, you'll forever be my guide.
You show me life, where all seems dead;
You make my life, I love you, Beth.


Just some thoughts to consider. I hope some of it is helpful.


Best,


Todd

[wanderlust]

Hello there Bananadon~!

First of all, thank you for sharing your poem with us. I have read it through several times, and I also have recorded myself reading your poem in order to locate where your poem might flows or where it might not. (Which if you're interested, I can present it to you via PM, but if this is a personal poem you're going to give to someone, I don't think it's necessary.)
Now where to begin?

Well, to me, your poem conveys a strong, powerful message of love. You have used a lot of strong words which I personally enjoyed, such as: electricity, howling, shockwave, magic, shine. All of these words give me the overall feel of the impact of love and although I enjoy all of these words, I feel maybe the message is a little too pronounced.

I feel like perhaps the title of your poem starts to become obsolete after the first stanza. I could be mistaken but after the first four lines, I don't feel like the message of the poem is about distance. This is just my personal opinion, and I know that the title doesn't emcompass the entirety of a poem, but if that is what you were aiming for, I felt like the meaning got a little lost along the way.

One of my favourite lines in your poem is 'For our love would shine brighter than the light of any day.' It might be a little over dramatic for some, and actually what the line is saying isn't what I like the most. What I really like is how this is the longest line of the poem, it really makes it stand out to me. Like it shines brighter than any other line in your poem, and so it should in order to convey what it is saying.

On that note, another line that I really like from your poem is 'The howling wind will pass, the thick fog will go;' I love the imagery I gained from this. The storminess of a relationship, the intensity of the negative things that can happen between two people that love each other. I also really love the use semi-colon on the end here, as if waiting for that fog and wind to pass.

There is one line as well, which I feel is a little too forced 'I couldn't care for what they all might say;',  Perhaps a little condensing, and wording it in a way similar to 'I couldn't care for all they might say;' could improve it?

Just some thoughts, I hope that my feedback could help you in some way.
Wishing you success!

wanderlust

[LorettaYoung]

While you're on the other side of the world to me,
Everything will change, this side of the sea.
The howling wind will pass, the thick fog will go;
You'll hear my truth, you'll see my soul.

The feeling of electricity when I hold your hand,
As if lighting had struck twice where I stand,
Shoots up my arm and blows through my mind;
Like a shockwave, your touch ripples through my insides.

And if the world was forever eclipsed,
By the magic that passes between our lips,
I couldn't care for what they all might say;
For our love would shine brighter than the light of any day.

Whether washed up on some tepid tide,
Or lost in a maze, you'll forever be my guide.
You show me life, where all seems dead;
You make my life, I love you, Beth.

Hi: I enjoyed reading your poem. I do agree that the title gets lost after the first stanza, and that on the first line "to me" is unnecessary; and in general think you may be using too many words that distract. As in S3, the "And" seems unnecessary.
I do think the word "electricity" kind of cause one to get stuck on the line. Perhaps "sparks" or something easier to say. Still in S3, the first three lines are relatively equal, and then a very long line that I think detracts from the first line; the meaning is appropriate; but I think it could be condensed.  Good luck, Loretta

[pseudo]

While you're on the other side of the world to me,
Everything will change, this side of the sea.
The howling wind will pass, the thick fog will go;
You'll hear my truth, you'll see my soul.

The feeling of electricity when I hold your hand,
As if lighting had struck twice where I stand,
Shoots up my arm and blows through my mind;
Like a shockwave, your touch ripples through my insides.

And if the world was forever eclipsed,
By the magic that passes between our lips,
I couldn't care for what they all might say;
For our love would shine brighter than the light of any day.

Whether washed up on some tepid tide,
Or lost in a maze, you'll forever be my guide.
You show me life, where all seems dead;
You make my life, I love you, Beth.

I think your strongest verse is the second, especially the imagery of lightning striking twice in the same location, and it flows very well. But in a similar vein as others' comments, I think you would do well to economize words, or expand the poem into more stanzas. I note you use contractions such as "you'll" and "you're" and "wouldn't" in order to save syllables, but I detect a small amount of tension between these and the overall formality of the poem.

In the second to last line of the poem you end the line with "dead," but I wonder whether you wouldn't prefer "death," seeing as it rhymes with Beth and communicates the meaning just as well. The third-to-last line sounds a bit clunky to me, the word "forever" sticks out sorely--it is the only trisyllablc word in that stanza and I feel it does injury to its fluency.

The ending is nonetheless quite good.

I've emboldened some of the contractions I think could be shortened. This poem is entirely in the hypothetical or subjunctive: "were you to be by my side, you will be X,", etc. If you brought it into the present tense you could save many syllables by omitting the words "will" and "would," which appear quite often throughout on their own and as part of contractions.

[Bearsy22]

While you're on the other side of the world to me,
Everything will change, this side of the sea.
The howling wind will pass, the thick fog will go;
You'll hear my truth, you'll see my soul.

Imagery is good here. "Howling" and "thick fog" and then immediately contrasting with the clarity in the last line.

The feeling of electricity when I hold your hand,
As if lighting had struck twice where I stand,
Shoots up my arm and blows through my mind;
Like a shockwave, your touch ripples through my insides

The use of the electricity is a tad too strong following the slightly weaker reference to the storm in the first stanza. Maybe amp (excuse the pun) up the storminess in the first stanza or tone it down. The chemistry sounds intense but a little graphic for a love poem. In my opinion.

Nice one! Lucky Beth ;-)

[Lloyd E Dixon]

While you're on the other side of the world to me,this sounds like an emotional distance, don't know if that's what you're going for, maybe shorten this line, take out while, if you want to maintain the rhyme pattern
Everything will change, this side of the sea.
The howling wind will pass, the thick fog will go;a good representation of lonelyness here
You'll hear my truth, you'll see my soul.

The feeling of electricity when I hold your hand,this line could be shortened also
As if lighting had struck twice where I stand,
Shoots up my arm and blows through my mind;
Like a shockwave, your touch ripples through my insides.and this line , you could lose like, and replace "insides" with something that flows more

And if the world was forever eclipsed,
By the magic that passes between our lips,
I couldn't care for what they all might say;
For our love would shine brighter than the light of any day.

Whether washed up on some tepid tide,
Or lost in a maze, you'll forever be my guide.try to keep this on a ocean or beach topic that could still refer to confusion and guidence
You show me life, where all seems dead;
You make my life, I love you, Beth.

[Erthona]

"The feeling of electricity when I hold your hand,
As if lighting had struck twice where I stand,
Shoots up my arm and blows through my mind;
Like a shockwave, your touch ripples through my insides."

"The feeling of electricity when I hold your hand,
As if lighting had struck twice where I stand,
Shooting up my arm and blowing through my mind;
Like a shockwave, your touch ripples through my insides."
___________________________________________________

"I couldn't care for what they all might say;"
"I would not care what they might say."
_________________________________________________

"dead" does not rhyme with "Beth", "death" does.
_____________________________________________

The lack of any consistent meter in combination with the rhyming couplets pretty much dooms this poem for anything other than private use. But as that seems to be what it is for, I guess you're in the clear.

Best,

Dale

[Bananadon]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. It has been helpful, as always!