The Party

[hopefularahant]

The Party

With dead heart and high hopes,
he stalks into the wild.
Flanked by fake friends,
the wolf falls,
in line.

Clarity clouds him,
keeps contemplations,
at bay. Second guesses
are hilarious,
in line.

Glassy amber in red,
white lines on glass,
green dressed in white.
drink, snort, smoke,
in line.

He considers,
he feels and stares.
Cutting deals with her emotion,
he takes meat in his fangs,
in line.

He drags his prey,
she stumbles along as well.
Having had his fill,
he dumps her, barebones,
in line.

He returns from the hunt,
howling with pride,
but he's no wolf.
Just another sheep,
in line.

[Bananadon]

I really enjoy this poem, I have come back to it a number of times. The first 3 stanzas are brilliant, there are some strong images in stanzas 2 and 3. I particularly enjoyed 'green dressed in white', this is a wonderful way of writing some of the sights of the party, I presume you are speaking of cannabis? Maybe I'm wrong haha. The last 3 stanzas have less of a hold on me. The refrain seems to be of little use or relevance to them, apart from on the final line - a dig at male overt virility and conformity??? I like the idea that the wolf returns to the party as if nothing has happened, perhaps you could go into what his audience thought? Whether onlookers of brutal actions care at all? Use metaphors and images as well as you did in the first 3 stanzas and I think this will be an excellent poem. I do love the poem, and if you choose to edit it, please post it!

[hopefularahant]

I really enjoy this poem, I have come back to it a number of times. The first 3 stanzas are brilliant, there are some strong images in stanzas 2 and 3. I particularly enjoyed 'green dressed in white', this is a wonderful way of writing some of the sights of the party, I presume you are speaking of cannabis? Maybe I'm wrong haha. The last 3 stanzas have less of a hold on me. The refrain seems to be of little use or relevance to them, apart from on the final line - a dig at male overt virility and conformity??? I like the idea that the wolf returns to the party as if nothing has happened, perhaps you could go into what his audience thought? Whether onlookers of brutal actions care at all? Use metaphors and images as well as you did in the first 3 stanzas and I think this will be an excellent poem. I do love the poem, and if you choose to edit it, please post it!

Thanks a bunch for the critique! And yes, the green dressed in white is cannabis! Also, i appreciate that you really tried to grasp what i was going for, and you hit the nail on the head. Will edit, will post soon.
Thanks

[Wjames]

The Party

With dead heart and high hopes,
he stalks into the wild. Why not just say "the wolf stalks into the wild", instead of waiting a sentence to reveal who he is?
Flanked by fake friends,
the wolf falls,
in line.

Clarity clouds him,
keeps contemplations, "contemplations" is a little vague - what would he be contemplating?. I also wouldn't naturally pause after contemplations, I get you might be trying to replicate the end of the stanza's, but I would cut the comma here.
at bay. Second guesses
are hilarious,
in line.

Glassy amber in red,
white lines on glass, You use glass twice in quick succession here, could change one to make a more distinct image (probably the wine one if you were to change one).
green dressed in white.
drink, snort, smoke,
in line.

He considers,
he feels and stares. There's no need for the second "he" to start this line. Also, what does he feel? even adding one small word like "ice" after "feels" would combine an image with the thought and make it more powerful.
Cutting deals with her emotion,
he takes meat in his fangs,
in line.

He drags his prey,
she stumbles along as well. This line is implied by the previous one, you could try and change it and add something new.
Having had his fill,
he dumps her, barebones,
in line.

He returns from the hunt,
howling with pride,
but he's no wolf.
Just another sheep,
in line.

This is a pretty good poem in my eyes, just have a few thoughts you might want to consider. It reminds me of a Dylan song "Only a Pawn in Their Game" except in this case the "pawn/sheep" is some kind of a date rapist, or at the very least a misogynist.

I wrote a similar poem called "The Sick Gazelle", from the perspective of one of these "sheep", it's on this website somewhere you might be interested in reading that too.

[Erthona]

hopefularahant,

My feeling of this after the first read through was, OK, so what. For me, this poem generated little energy and gave me nothing to emotionally connect with which is necessary to make a poem meaningful to the reader. I think part of this is do to the scene being "in line," which is generally more of a submissive attitude than a place unless one is using it in it's most literal way. So there is no physical plain on which to play this out. The characters were generally so vague you might have just as well called them character A and character B. Calling one character a "wolf who isn't" doesn't do much to firm this up enough to give the reader enough to feel they know how A and B relate, what is their history and so on.

"With dead heart and high hopes,"

One can take this literally or metaphorically. There are major problems with it both ways. If one takes it as literal, the person/creature does nothing because he is dead. If taken as a metaphor, having a "dead heart" is contradictory to "high hopes. These two emotional states cannot co-exist, no more than despair and hope can. They may alternate but they can never occur simultaneously.  

"the wolf falls in line." (no comma between wolf and falls)

As we discover later on the title of wolf or sheep are metaphorical and only describe certain behavior or personality characteristics, although there is little of either. The phrase "in line" not only becomes repetitive and boring, but also nonsensical. Since being in line means following the rules and the idea of wolf means a rebellion against those rules, thus being outside of the line, to say the wolf is "in line" is contradictory.  

"Cutting deals with her emotion, he takes meat in his fangs, in line.    

I really like the phrase "cutting deals with her emotions", it's fresh, but immediately recognizable. However, there is nothing in this poem that gives us a clue as to what "meat" stands for. Obviously if this were literal, it would mean that he had eaten her alive and now she was dead. "he dumps her, barebones" (BTW it is generally written as bare-bones, or simply bare bones), as she is now a skeleton. However, between " he takes meat in his fangs" and the "bare bones" phrase, it says "she stumbles along as well". So this also seems to contradict what surrounds it. Plus disregarding that, the full two lines seem to make little sense.

"He drags his prey,
she stumbles along as well."

Being dragged generally means their feet are not under them, thus the concept, "dragged". If she is stumbling along behind him, she cannot be being dragged. These are exclusionary states. This all along with her being dead, but also being animated.  

One line I must point out is "Glassy amber in red". If this is suppose to be wine, a liqueur, or liquor, I would think the red would be in the glassy amber. As smoke and snort are both accounted for, "drink" must be for this and as such this must be a drink. As the two others were drugs and this is at a party, one must assume that this is some alcoholic drink. However the way it is described does not paint any kind of picture for me and offers no clue to tell if it is a Burgundy, a Sherry, or something else altogether. That description needs badly to be changed.


Best,


Dale  

[scarlettehale]

The anaphora, or repetition of the "In line" line looses its effect toward the end. The idea of having a repetitious end line to each stanza is really interesting and can be successful. Consider the strength of that repeated line on its own. Currently "in line" is not very powerful. A lot of your other lines are more powerful and emotive than the one you are repeating six times.  

The Party

With dead heart and high hopes,
he stalks into the wild.
Flanked by fake friends,
the wolf falls,
in line.

Clarity clouds him,The repetion of the two C's are nice, but I dont understand what you mean by clarity clouds
keeps contemplations, [at bay]
at bay. Second guesses [are hilarious]
are hilarious,
in line.

Glassy amber in red,
white lines on glass,
green dressed in white.
drink, snort, smoke,
in line.

He considers,
he feels and stares.theres are pretty simple actions that could be interpretted in multiple ways. Try to claify what or how the character is feeling/staring.
Cutting deals with her emotion,
he takes meat in his fangs,this is a strong line
in line.

He drags his prey,
she stumbles along as well.is she not his prey?
Having had his fill,
he dumps her, barebones,
in line.

He returns from the hunt,
howling with pride,
but he's no wolf.
Just another sheep,this is interesting. I could see you developing this switch in characterization.
in line.

Your use of the wolf and sheep as one huge metaphor is definitely working!

[hopefularahant]

hopefularahant,

My feeling of this after the first read through was, OK, so what. For me, this poem generated little energy and gave me nothing to emotionally connect with which is necessary to make a poem meaningful to the reader. I think part of this is do to the scene being "in line," which is generally more of a submissive attitude than a place unless one is using it in it's most literal way. So there is no physical plain on which to play this out. The characters were generally so vague you might have just as well called them character A and character B. Calling one character a "wolf who isn't" doesn't do much to firm this up enough to give the reader enough to feel they know how A and B relate, what is their history and so on.

"With dead heart and high hopes,"

One can take this literally or metaphorically. There are major problems with it both ways. If one takes it as literal, the person/creature does nothing because he is dead. If taken as a metaphor, having a "dead heart" is contradictory to "high hopes. These two emotional states cannot co-exist, no more than despair and hope can. They may alternate but they can never occur simultaneously.  

"the wolf falls in line." (no comma between wolf and falls)

As we discover later on the title of wolf or sheep are metaphorical and only describe certain behavior or personality characteristics, although there is little of either. The phrase "in line" not only becomes repetitive and boring, but also nonsensical. Since being in line means following the rules and the idea of wolf means a rebellion against those rules, thus being outside of the line, to say the wolf is "in line" is contradictory.  

"Cutting deals with her emotion, he takes meat in his fangs, in line.    

I really like the phrase "cutting deals with her emotions", it's fresh, but immediately recognizable. However, there is nothing in this poem that gives us a clue as to what "meat" stands for. Obviously if this were literal, it would mean that he had eaten her alive and now she was dead. "he dumps her, barebones" (BTW it is generally written as bare-bones, or simply bare bones), as she is now a skeleton. However, between " he takes meat in his fangs" and the "bare bones" phrase, it says "she stumbles along as well". So this also seems to contradict what surrounds it. Plus disregarding that, the full two lines seem to make little sense.

"He drags his prey,
she stumbles along as well."

Being dragged generally means their feet are not under them, thus the concept, "dragged". If she is stumbling along behind him, she cannot be being dragged. These are exclusionary states. This all along with her being dead, but also being animated.  

One line I must point out is "Glassy amber in red". If this is suppose to be wine, a liqueur, or liquor, I would think the red would be in the glassy amber. As smoke and snort are both accounted for, "drink" must be for this and as such this must be a drink. As the two others were drugs and this is at a party, one must assume that this is some alcoholic drink. However the way it is described does not paint any kind of picture for me and offers no clue to tell if it is a Burgundy, a Sherry, or something else altogether. That description needs badly to be changed.


Best,


Dale  

Dale,
Wow, thanks for the in depth critique, i appreciate your time and effort alot, and it seems you read through my poem more than i did! And though i will attempt to salvage one or two points, it seems apparent i didnt state them or bring them across welk enough in this poem.

As far as the "dead heart" line, i think that "hopes", Was the wrong word. I meant simply to state that his heart was dead, and he had high expectations for the day ahead of him. I will change this part, since i can now see how confusing it could be.

And to the "in line" phrase, I kind of felt that it lost its power as well. Though about the wolf falling in line, that was the point of the poem. The wolf is a symbol of rebellion and such as you say, but as it is with the kids nowadays, everyone does what everyone else does to be unique or special. So i guess he may see himself as a wolf, though truly he is one of many "unique and rebellious people" standing in line. I hope that makes sense. A sort of purposeful contradiction, though i see how it doesnt exactly work how i saw it.

And i meant "takes meat" as an image for the boy latching to the girl, and i see the trouble with my "stumbles along" line also. Though i guess i meant to say that she is not completely helpless or opposed to the idea of being taken by the wolf.

And to the party drug descriptions, the red was meant to be a plastic cup.

In the end, i see how though i had plenty of ideas i was trying to move across, the words i used as the vehicles failed to do so. Thanks!

[Mark D. Windmill]

That was a refreshing piece. I was anoyed at the use of the In line at the end of each paragraph by the 3rd stanza but it actually finished the poem really well. I feel like it would have much power to have it maybe only in the first and last paragraph. Really good use of words to create imagery and dualities. Like Dale, the subject matter did not particularly reach me but the overarching work was well done and well written.

Cheers

[LorettaYoung]

The Party

With dead heart and high hopes,
he stalks into the wild.
Flanked by fake friends,
the wolf falls,
in line.

Clarity clouds him,
keeps contemplations,
at bay. Second guesses
are hilarious,
in line.

Glassy amber in red,
white lines on glass,
green dressed in white.
drink, snort, smoke,
in line.

He considers,
he feels and stares.
Cutting deals with her emotion,
he takes meat in his fangs,
in line.

He drags his prey,
she stumbles along as well.
Having had his fill,
he dumps her, barebones,
in line.

He returns from the hunt,
howling with pride,
but he's no wolf.
Just another sheep,
in line.

Hi: on a positive note I think you have a good play of metaphor here; after all, it is a party and we know what is in a white line. Like the touch of the last line; that with fake friends he plays the wolf, but is really a sheep in disguise.
However, I agree with the other critiques that you could make this clearer.  As the reader I will say for me it was a difficult read; a bit abstract.  I think if you reword  and expand this; some assonance relating to the word line. Good luck, Best Loretta