Yuletide: Christmas Eve

[ABennett]

The palpable, prodigious
weight of waiting
for the moment when Papa
will gather everyone
around the tree.

Did you see all the presents?
Packages of blue and white stripes,
some with ribbon others with bows;
piquing the imagination of brothers
and sisters with what they hold.

Surely one has to be that toy dump truck,
the yellow one with the big black wheels
and an orange bed for hauling rocks.
The whirl of thoughts nearly overshadows
the fact that Papa is now standing by the tree.

[xyroph]

This is a delightful piece! The air of wonder and delight is so refreshing. I especially like the "weight of waiting", and the image of the (i presume)loving patriarch presiding the ceremonious unwrapping. And the way that the word "overshadows" precedes the image of "Papa", making me imagine being a small child in the literal shadow of a watchful parent. Very sweet.

[skadragon]

The palpable, prodigious   }
weight of waiting              } Starting off so wordy. It comes off as bombastic.  
for the moment when Papa    }
will gather everyone                }
around the tree.                      } reads clearly but uninspired. not really poetic.

Did you see all the presents?
Packages of blue and white stripes,    they're all blue an white? seems generic.
some with ribbon others with bows;
piquing the imagination of brothers
and sisters with what they hold.       what about my imagination that has yet to be roused

Surely one has to be that toy dump truck,
the yellow one with the big black wheels
and an orange bed for hauling rocks.     liking the relateable but keen wording here.
The whirl of thoughts nearly overshadows
the fact that Papa is now standing by the tree.    ambiguious. What does it mean?

I feel like this poem doesn't really create the moment or experience and sort of just tells about it in a less then effective way. More like letter writing than poetry.

[Achebe]

The palpable, prodigious
weight of waiting  --------- alliteration for its own sake is not a good idea
for the moment when Papa
will gather everyone
around the tree.

Did you see all the presents?
Packages of blue and white stripes,
some with ribbon others with bows;
piquing the imagination of brothers
and sisters with what they hold. --------- the idea of describing the packages in detail is good, but it needs to be made interesting. It can't be a plain vanilla 'the presents came in boxes / the boxes were wrapped in paper' type of description like you have here. The reader's investment of time and effort needs to pay off - his senses need to be gratified, not bored.

Surely one has to be that toy dump truck,
the yellow one with the big black wheels  --------- you're trying to paint a picture of the toy, but 'yellow and black' are such commonplace descriptors that they evoke no response in the reader
 
and an orange bed for hauling rocks. --------- same as above
The whirl of thoughts nearly overshadows --------- a 'whirl' does not normally 'overshadow'
the fact that Papa is now standing by the tree. --------- I fail to understand the relevance of this line

You need to think about what the reader is going to get out of reading your poem...

[REW]

The palpable, prodigious
weight of waiting
for the moment when Papa
will gather everyone
around the tree.

Did you see all the presents? (I would take this out as a question, either cut it out or rephrase as a statement such as look at all the presents)
Packages of blue and white stripes,
some with ribbon others with bows;
piquing the imagination of brothers
and sisters with what they hold.

Surely one has to be that toy dump truck,
the yellow one with the big black wheels
and an orange bed for hauling rocks.
The whirl of thoughts nearly overshadows
the fact that Papa is now standing by the tree.

I like that you are writing about a family tradition.  I presume you are leading up to the moment when you all light the yuletide log and that is the significance of Papa standing by the tree, that that particular moment has arrived.  I think you have captured some of the excitement for Christmas.  What I would like to see is a poetic expression of the yuletide tradition the family is waiting for.  So the family knows the time is near and while waiting it is distracting (all those presents).  But you do not get into the actual moment.  I have a feeling that in that moment may be where the poem really is.  This is cute though.  I like the perspective of the narrator wondering if one of the packages contains the dump truck.  The lighting of the log is likely more important to Papa anyway