Daddy

[Norimeknowreason]

Daddy  
© 2014
Daddy
                           
Daddy rest in peace, you were a good man
Every morning you'd wake up and go to work, everyday  
You never missed a single softball game,or any of my birthdays
For me there wasn't anything you wouldn't do
Those were your words, but so far from the truth.
Yeah daddy you were a good man,
until that bottle hit your hand
I'd  watch  the red fill up your eyes
That's when I'd try to hide under my bed
After momma ran off with the neighbor
things started to change, you looked at me in a different way,
all the games we used to play, were replaced with ones I hate
The next morning you'd cry and say I love you
I'd forgive you, hoping it was true
You never kept your word or put that Crown down  
I used to wish her memory would have left  with her
but it hung around like a bad dream
you tried your best you said, but only your best to drown her away
you left me with these nightmares that wont ever go away
I can still hear your voice inside my head
You look more and more like your mother  everyday
Daddy I wish I could have favored  you more
But would it have mattered anyway?
I  watched  the red  fill up your eyes
this time, I didn't hide or stay out of your way.
I know they’ll never understand
When they see me standing with this gun in my hand.
Yeah daddy, you were a such good man
until that bottle hit your hand

[ellajam]

Hi, welcome to The Pig Pen, thank you for the critiques you've given to others.

I think your refrain works well. While somewhat lacking in poetic devices (assonance, metaphor, etc.), it is clear and easy to read and understand. As you've chosen to use commas and question marks I'm wondering why you omitted periods. In line 2 I don't think you need "everyday".

On the home page there's a link to a fun read, Colin Ward's Poetry Tips. Hope you enjoy the site.

Daddy  
© 2014
Daddy
                           
Daddy rest in peace, you were a good man
Every morning you'd wake up and go to work, everyday  
You never missed a single softball game,or any of my birthdays
For me there wasn't anything you wouldn't do
Those were your words, but so far from the truth.
Yeah daddy you were a good man,
until that bottle hit your hand
I'd  watch  the red fill up your eyes
That's when I'd try to hide under my bed
After momma ran off with the neighbor
things started to change, you looked at me in a different way,
all the games we used to play, were replaced with ones I hate
The next morning you'd cry and say I love you
I'd forgive you, hoping it was true
You never kept your word or put that Crown down  
I used to wish her memory would have left  with her
but it hung around like a bad dream
you tried your best you said, but only your best to drown her away
you left me with these nightmares that wont ever go away
I can still hear your voice inside my head
You look more and more like your mother  everyday
Daddy I wish I could have favored  you more
But would it have mattered anyway?
I'd  watch  the red  fill up your eyes
That's when I'd hide, try to stay out of your way
Now they’ll never understand
When they see me with this gun in my hand.
Yeah daddy, you were a such good man
until that bottle hit your hand

[pmmurphy]

I like the story, it holds a good bit of information for me to digest and really grabs me the refrain is pretty good too. But aside from that there really isn't much for me to sink my teeth into. Personally if i were a serious reader and saw the title Daddy i would skip and not even bat an eye. Its just so bland and un-interesting to me maybe using some new words to replace daddy might help improve that bit.

On top of that the presentation, i just see a brick wall of words it is kinda stressful on the eyes. Those are just 2 things i can nit pick about the work but as i said, i still enjoyed it followed your message and knew your story with one read. I also enjoyed how you used punctuation in this, it wasn't distracting or out of place or awkward to me.

I see sentences like "daddy i wish i could have favored you more". Personally i think its too wordy, maybe condensing it down to hold the same meaning like dropping "i wish".

"daddy i could have favored you more"

I think it holds the same power as before and it has less words, this is just one example of a possible edit but this is your poetry and not mine i am just hoping to spark ideas do not take this change to heart. Only change if it is something you want to do with your art! Thank you for sharing this I hope you revise it and work on it.

[Norimeknowreason]

Thank you both for your time and suggestions. I have always been bad about using too many words. I think I write more short story poems. But oddly the next one I am posting is only 4 lines long. lol I will use some of you ideas too! Thanks again.

[mongolfiere]

I really like the story behind this piece and I think you have a couple lines that are really good. However, I had a problem reading it because of the lack of periods. I was very confused about where one thought ended and another began. Instead of reading it with feeling, it was kind of all one long sentence. Another issue for me was I felt very nonchalant reading this piece. Phrases like "yeah, daddy" make it seem like a casual conversation rather than one fueled by sadness or contempt. I would like to be more convinced that the person actual loved the father instead of having to wait until the gun is revealed to realize the actual weight of the emotion.

Other than those few things, I feel like you have a great story here. Keep up the good work!

- mongolfiere

[Magnum]

Although a bit too wordy for me, I liked the presentation as a new twist on trying to say what a bad man your daddy was. I lost myself at times trying to decipher some of your meanings, but I do know what you're trying to say. A re-write would be good.


Remember that this is not your writing. Ask yourself what the author wants to achieve and how best that goal can be met within the existing framework of the piece. Do not attempt to impose your own style on another writer; a good reviewer will in fact impose the writer’s style on him/herself for the duration of the critique.

Please read what is at the end of this article. Feedback-Giving and Giving  

mod

[indarican]

Daddy  
© 2014
Daddy
                           
Daddy rest in peace, you were a good man
Every morning you'd wake up and go to work, everyday  (Maybe a period after everyday, or omit)
You never missed a single softball game,or any of my birthdays
For me there wasn't anything you wouldn't do
Those were your words, but so far from the truth.
Yeah daddy you were a good man,
until that bottle hit your hand (a period after hand?)
I'd  watch  the red fill up your eyes
That's when I'd try to hide under my bed
After momma ran off with the neighbor
things started to change, you looked at me in a different way,
all the games we used to play, were replaced with ones I hate
The next morning you'd cry and say I love you
I'd forgive you, hoping it was true
You never kept your word or put that Crown down  
I used to wish her memory would have left  with her
but it hung around like a bad dream
you tried your best you said, but only your best to drown her away
you left me with these nightmares that wont ever go away
I can still hear your voice inside my head
You look more and more like your mother  everyday
Daddy I wish I could have favored  you more
But would it have mattered anyway?
I  watched  the red  fill up your eyes
this time, I didn't hide or stay out of your way.
I know they’ll never understand
When they see me standing with this gun in my hand.
Yeah daddy, you were a such good man
until that bottle hit your hand

NOVICE CRITIQUE.
I can clearly follow the story but I wished there were more stops. A little wordy but still very nicely done in my opinion!!!
I added some feedback to the poem in parenthesis.

[billy]

i approved the feedback below because i felt you tried, please explain in future feedback the how's and why's etc;



why was it wordy. how was it wordy. what made it nicely done? /mod

Daddy  
© 2014
Daddy
                           
Daddy rest in peace, you were a good man
Every morning you'd wake up and go to work, everyday  (Maybe a period after everyday, or omit)
You never missed a single softball game,or any of my birthdays
For me there wasn't anything you wouldn't do
Those were your words, but so far from the truth.
Yeah daddy you were a good man,
until that bottle hit your hand (a period after hand?)
I'd  watch  the red fill up your eyes
That's when I'd try to hide under my bed
After momma ran off with the neighbor
things started to change, you looked at me in a different way,
all the games we used to play, were replaced with ones I hate
The next morning you'd cry and say I love you
I'd forgive you, hoping it was true
You never kept your word or put that Crown down  
I used to wish her memory would have left  with her
but it hung around like a bad dream
you tried your best you said, but only your best to drown her away
you left me with these nightmares that wont ever go away
I can still hear your voice inside my head
You look more and more like your mother  everyday
Daddy I wish I could have favored  you more
But would it have mattered anyway?
I  watched  the red  fill up your eyes
this time, I didn't hide or stay out of your way.
I know they’ll never understand
When they see me standing with this gun in my hand.
Yeah daddy, you were a such good man
until that bottle hit your hand

NOVICE CRITIQUE.
I can clearly follow the story but I wished there were more stops. A little wordy but still very nicely done in my opinion!!!
I added some feedback to the poem in parenthesis.