monotone mandatory

[Bunx]

monotone mandatory

Edit 1
Sorry,
my thrill has escaped me.

I've been here before,
with other people at a different time.
Actively skeptical of things that  unwind.

I'm weary of good opportunities.
Excitement leads to tragedy,
then my world will stop.

Often, I try to remember the kid I use to be.
A young man with passion and direction.
No limits to his potentials end.

That seemed like lives ago.
Before I felt the need leave my home.


Then life changed.
My reality had become unique.

Everything I thought was happening
could be critiqued.

Now my mood is stable,
I speak in a monotone pitch. 

Like a man who has earned but not reaped. 
Constantly retrying to earn his keep.

Sorry that your enthusiasm is not shared,
because I always got to be prepared.
To lose all the moments we have fared.

Until then, I trust you'll understand
that I must do what I can.

So that you will not disappear 
like another lost friend.



Original

Sorry,
my thrill has escaped me.

I've been here before,
with other people at a different time.
Actively skeptical of things that can unwind.

I have to be weary of good opportunities.
Excitement leads to tragedy, then my world
will stop.

Often, I try to remember kid I use to be.
Seems distant as if reflecting on an old friend;
a young man with passion and direction.
No limits to his potentials end.

That seemed like lives ago.
Before I felt the need leave my home.

It was then that life changed.
A doctor informed me that 
my reality had become unique.

Everything I thought was happening
could be critiqued.

Now that I am grown
my mood is stable,
I speak in a monotone pitch. 

Like a man who has earned but not reaped. 
Constantly retrying to earn his keep.

So I am sorry that your enthusiasm is not shared,
because I always got to be prepared.
To lose all the moments we have fared.

Until then, I trust you'll understand
that I must do what I can.

So that you will not disappear 
like another lost friend.

[cidermaid]

Hey Bunx,
This one mostly works for me.
 I got a poignantly reflective picture of lost friendship or perhaps the death of a friend from this.
A few notes from my read on this.

monotone mandatory

Sorry,
my thrill has escaped me.  I like the opener. I has a brittle tone to the voice which sets up the rest of the poem niecly for me.

I've been here before,
with other people at a different time.
Actively skeptical of things that can unwind.   didn't think you needed the can .  i know it subtly changes the constuct of this but would be my preferance.

I have to be weary of good opportunities.   Again here would make it more clipped and change to i'm.
Excitement leads to tragedy, then my world   perhaps consider dropping then my world down a line.  Felt the abruptness of tradgedy as a end word was stronger and less obvious than will stop on a line.  also perhaps change to a simple statement of my world will stop.
will stop.

Often, I try to remember kid I use to be.   the kid
Seems distant as if reflecting on an old friend;   (not sure you need this line, has already been infered by the above)
a young man with passion and direction.
No limits to his potentials end.   use of end is a little odd here.


That seemed like lives ago.
Before I felt the need leave my home.

It was then that life changed.
A doctor informed me that 
my reality had become unique.   for me this whole stanza felt unneeded.

Everything I thought was happening
could be critiqued.   really like this line.

Now that I am grown   like it better without - felt a bit cliched.
my mood is stable,
I speak in a monotone pitch. 

Like a man who has earned but not reaped. 
Constantly retrying to earn his keep.   Again a good line.


So I am sorry that your enthusiasm is not shared,   Like this stanza but the first line feels a bit wordy.
because I always got to be prepared.
To lose all the moments we have fared.

Until then, I trust you'll understand
that I must do what I can.

So that you will not disappear 
like another lost friend.   Great close.

Sorry I have got a bit carried away perhaps for this forum, but this is because it has actually said something to me.
good write.  all the best AJ.

[Bunx]

Thanks for the feedback cidermaid! I took alot of your suggestions. I kept stanza 6 but trimmed down the details to make the poem seem more universal. I also trimmed down the wordy language. Glad you liked it. Hopefully I think the edit is definitely more to the point.

[Magnum]

Grammatically there are words missing. The explanation of your supposed plight rings of an oxymoron depicted in a way to leave one guessing exactly what you are trying to say. As for "monotone pitch", it sounds like something of a robotic speech type, if that's what you're trying to say, then explain why you're speaking like that. A bit confusing for me...

[Bunx]

Do you have any suggestions on how to make the poem grammatically sound?

---

How is it an oxymoron? Not much feedback

The "Not much feedback" is uncalled for, please don't crit the crit. If you'd like more detailed critiques you might consider posting in the Mild Critique forum next time. ella/mod

[Magnum]

[quote='Bunx' pid='185240' dateline='1424229572']
Do you have any suggestions on how to make the poem grammatically sound?

---

How is it an oxymoron? Not much feedback

It's somehow contradictory, or at least it seems that way to me. I could be wrong since I'm not in your head.

[Bunx]

[quote='Bunx' pid='185240' dateline='1424229572']
Do you have any suggestions on how to make the poem grammatically sound?

---

How is it an oxymoron? Not much feedback

It's somehow contradictory, or at least it seems that way to me. I could be wrong since I'm not in your head.

Sorry about criting the crit. Yesterday was rough, sorry if I came off like a toad.

[indarican]

[quote='Bunx' pid='184883' dateline='1423858790']
monotone mandatory

Edit 1
Sorry,
my thrill has escaped me.

I've been here before,
with other people at a different time.
Actively skeptical of things that  unwind. (I feel like this line throws the flow off)

I'm weary of good opportunities.
Excitement leads to tragedy,
then my world will stop.

Often, I try to remember the kid I use to be.
A young man with passion and direction.
No limits to his potentials end.

That seemed like lives ago.
Before I felt the need leave my home. (is it to Leave my Home?)


Then life changed.
My reality had become unique.

Everything I thought was happening
could be critiqued.

Now my mood is stable,
I speak in a monotone pitch. 

Like a man who has earned but not reaped. 
Constantly retrying to earn his keep.

Sorry that your enthusiasm is not shared,
because I always got to be prepared. (I always Got?)
To lose all the moments we have fared.

Until then, I trust you'll understand
that I must do what I can.

So that you will not disappear 
like another lost friend.



NOVICE CRITIQUE HERE!!!
I loved the tone of this piece. I found that when reading a few lines caused me to stop before I could pick up the flow again. I put some of what I meant into parenthesis.