Fathers and Sons

[Bunx]

Fathers and Sons

Orginal

Walking down a gravel road
with dust in his eyes.
Laying out a concrete plan,
where an old path
will change over time.

He feels the rocks beneath
the thinning soles in his boots.
Harsh realities become
destiny's defining truth.

It was yesterday when he got the news,
his life is fading like the old road
he is standing on.

Withering away until the beaten path ends.
Thoughts linger in his mind,
how will his family mend?

He has two sons who need him,
working for him at his construction site.
Both strong and able they will be his knights.

Fighting for all that he has built.
They will continue his path
building a future
where he can not be at.

It was then he noticed
the river, parallel to the road
he was on.

Another idea hopped into his mind,
one more project,
one that will take time.

He envisioned a cabin
right next to the river bank.
It would be his sons.
The memory of him
will be a living place.

[Lucifer]

Well done!

I feel like 'mends' was put there to force a rhyme, and that maybe you could restructure that stanza in a more effective way.

Also, "where he can not be at" is kind of clumsy.

"Both strong and able they will be his knights" could definitely be rephrased in a better way. I like the idea, try to rephrase it to have more ryhthm and power.

[Kubla Khan]

Lucifer exacted every point I intended to make. Which is odd because it is his first post as well as mine and his name reckons of the devil. Pigpen has already shedded some mystique on me.

Anyways, I would at the very least drop the "at" in "where he could not be"
It seemed you tried to cement a sort of quasi rhyme, maybe not, but it does not work regardless.
The whole line could be refurbished really.

The part about the " knights " seem clichèd, it has a trivial air to it. I don't forsee a resolute, aged man (I'm assuming) envision a fanciful idea such as that about his sons.
The poem is not bad though. I liked it. I do think, though, it could be re-worked and made better.

But let me reiterate: Good stuff. Thanks for sharing.

[Grace]

Fathers and Sons

Orginal

Walking down a gravel road
with dust in his eyes.
Laying out a concrete plan,
where an old path
will change over time.

He feels the rocks beneath
the thinning soles in his boots.
Harsh realities become
destiny's defining truth.

It was yesterday when he got the news,
his life is fading like the old road
he is standing on.

Withering away until the beaten path ends.
Thoughts linger in his mind,
how will his family mend?

He has two sons who need him,
working for him at his construction site.
Both strong and able they will be his knights.

Fighting for all that he has built.
They will continue his path
building a future
where he can not be at.

It was then he noticed
the river, parallel to the road
he was on.

Another idea hopped into his mind,
one more project,
one that will take time.

He envisioned a cabin
right next to the river bank.
It would be his sons.
The memory of him
will be a living place.

I like the parallel of the road and the river; a road of 'concrete plans' and construction next to a river of life.

At the noticing of this river, an idea 'hopped' into his mind. Initially I wanted to replace 'hopped' with a word that went with construction eg 'bored into his mind'. But anything could hop out of a river that's full of life, so that's good.

As already mentioned, above, I'd agree that the 'at' could be removed from the line 'where he cannot be at'.

I enjoyed reading this poem.

[ellz483]

Good read! The previous posts caught all the things that seemed out of place to me when I looked this over. You definitely helped your readers establish a strong sense about the characters and motivations of the father. I think the title would benefit by being made more specific to this poem; rather than "Fathers and Sons," it could be just "Father and Sons." In the stanzas you only discuss the dealings of one man and his family.

[Norimeknowreason]

I too loved this poem, it told a story,without leaving me wondering what your were talking about. I see someone already pointed out my only real critique the "at" sounds out of place. The mend line didn't bother as much but I thought about how you could replace it.

Withering away until the beaten path ends.
Thoughts linger in his mind,
on him his family depends

He has two sons who need him,
working for him at his construction site.
Both strong and able they will be his knights.


Thanks so much for sharing. I thought it was well done and bittersweet.

[Bunx]

Thanks guys! I have not been on here in a while, it is nice to see people enjoying the poems I have been writing. I will look through the poem for this out of place "at" and change it. Thanks again for the reads!

[Mitul Yadav]

A beautiful piece! This was more about the thought and less about the physical and aesthetic form it took to be a poem, a fine one at that. There were instances of forced rhymes and some parts could use rephrasing (see the 'knights' part.). Particularly hair-rising was the part with the coincedence of a river flowing parallel to the 'path of concrete plan'. This is what life is. It just happens.
All in a ll, a great write. Cheers!

[Bunx]

Thanks for all the feedback! made some changes to the poem but I am getting stuck on rewording the forced rhyme with knights.

[Persephone]

This is beautiful! I really like how you have used words like 'the thinning soles of his boots' to let us know he's hard working but perhaps financially struggling and 'fading like the old road' to let us know he's dying. It's very subtle and lends the work a beautiful whimsical feel.

[Julius]

As someone who has been fortunate enough to live into old age I can see, and like, the analogy.
I personally would lose the "at" at the end of stanza 6 and for some reason the word "hopped" jarred with me in stanza 8.

[Ashok1]

Hi

I'm new to this site and this is the first poem I'm trying to critique! So apologies in advance!

I agree with other re Stanza 6; it could simply end "where it cannot be"

Stanza 8, why not delete "hopped into his mind". So simply "Another idea"

Some of the phrases are very allegorical; I love the "thinning soles", "beaten path". However others are quite realistic; for me this strikes a jarring note. For example "working for him at his construction site". You could probably delete that line. Is there any need for readers to know that he owned a construction business? The critical thing is that is family depends on him.

The mood of the poem is not clear; is this a man cast in a stoic mould? Does he have regrets? Is he tormented by the thought of his life work not continuing? Perhaps that needs to come out more strongly.

But very thought-provoking. Thanks for sharing it.

[Bunx]

Ash- Thanks for the suggestions. Finally took out the at in the poem. I would have taken some more but I feel that it would mess with the rhyme scheme. I feel like the construction is key symbolically as well for context. I would have added some more ex: regrets but I feel the poem would get too long at that point.

Thanks for joining the site! Hope this helps you grow as a poet!

[DC Black]

I love this. I can see the man standing there. It has left me with a lump in my throat and that's what poetry means to me so thanks for sharing it here and let's hear some more. I didn't really like the line about the construction site but that's it.

[Bunx]

Thanks DC! I heard that comment a few times about the construction site, might try and re work that.

Just deleted the Stanza instead, still think it works.