Gentle Autumn

[Julius]

Gentle Autumn 

Come here my love and lay awhile with me,
And with your weary head upon my breast,
Relax and let your thoughts drift dreamily
As you and I together take our rest.
This is our time of close companionship,
Take comfort in the warmth of my embrace
And smile, as softly with my finger tip
I trace familiar contours of your face.
I ask no more of life than tenderness,
Our youthful times of passion being spent;
But do not think my love is any less,
Or that in life today I’m not content.
We shared our Spring and Summer, dearest wife;
So now the gentle Autumn of our life. 

[ellajam]

Lovely read, great job on the meter. A few nits:

Maybe some punctuation at the end of L2.

"while with me" and "deamily" don't quite rhyme.

A comma after Summer.

Thanks for the read, I'm enjoying it.

Gentle Autumn 

Come here my love and lay awhile with me,
And with your weary head upon my breast
Relax and let your thoughts drift dreamily
As you and I together take our rest.
This is our time of close companionship,
Take comfort in the warmth of my embrace
And smile, as softly with my finger tip
I trace familiar contours of your face.
I ask no more of life than tenderness,
Our youthful times of passion being spent;
But do not think my love is any less,
Or that in life today I’m not content.
We shared our Spring and Summer dearest wife;
So now the gentle Autumn of our life. 

[milo]

Gentle Autumn 

Come here my love and lay awhile with me,
And with your weary head upon my breast
Relax and let your thoughts drift dreamily
As you and I together take our rest.
This is our time of close companionship,
Take comfort in the warmth of my embrace
And smile, as softly with my finger tip
I trace familiar contours of your face.
I ask no more of life than tenderness,
Our youthful times of passion being spent;
But do not think my love is any less,
Or that in life today I’m not content.
We shared our Spring and Summer dearest wife;
So now the gentle Autumn of our life. 

it is sweet and well enough executed and dreadfully, dreadfully cliche.  Almost every line and sentiment feels tired and boring.  From the opener which is almost lifted word for word:

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/the+cox+fam...51624.html

to lines like "warmth of my embrace"  which is used in songs and cliche hallmark cards alike.  http://wn.com/ryan_reyna

Referring to latter years as Autumn - sadly, cliche, cliche, cliche.

Hope this helps, thanks for posting, good luck.

[Achebe]

overall, a well written poem.
it does have a lot of cliches, as milo pointed out, but these can probably be fixed. the basic rigging is alright.
some suggestions below

Gentle Autumn 

Come here my love and lay awhile with me, ...... there are too many poems that begin with some variant of 'come here my love'. If you want to use it, try and break up the bland meter with punctuation such as 'Come here. Love.'; or with enjanbment, such as 'Come here, my / Love'; or an interesting adjective, such as 'Come here, my grey gold love' (just saying). Similarly, too many poets roughly 300 years ago spoke of 'lying awhile'. It is an archaic expression, and if used, needs to be done innovatively to still sound fresh. I can't think of a way at the moment, but I'm sure there would be many.

And with your weary head upon my breast ..... weary heads lying upon breasts is a tired image. How about a different adjective? The head doesn't need to be weary, it could be grey gold, or wise old (not recommended), or old maid's (certainly not recommended),  etc. There are any number of fresh expressions that could be applied to the subject's head.

Relax and let your thoughts drift dreamily  .....'drift dreamily' is cliche. Additionally, 'thoughts drifting' is abstract enough to not warrant 'dreamily'. A tangible image after 'drift' is needed here. For instance, 'drift in their sea'.
As you and I together take our rest. ..... the stretching out of 'as we take our rest' with 'you and I' and 'together' is an obvious attempt at trying to fit the meter. If, for instance, you had 'drift in their sea' in the previous line, you could carry on with that image and still end it with 'rest'.

This is our time of close companionship,
Take comfort in the warmth of my embrace  ...'take comfort' is bland, and 'warmth of my embrace' is cliche. 
And smile, as softly with my finger tip
I trace familiar contours of your face. ...there is a surfeit of abstract adjectives well before this point. I would suggest something more tangible than 'familiar' - eg. 'the crowfeet'
I ask no more of life than tenderness,  ....warmth, tenderness....too much of the same old thing. Abstract and repetitive.
Our youthful times of passion being spent;
But do not think my love is any less,
Or that in life today I’m not content. ....this is nice. I like how 'content' is rhymed with 'spent' without appearing forced.
We shared our Spring and Summer dearest wife;...cliche. how about dropping the spring and just talking about 'leaf-filled summer' (terrible in itself) or something?
So now the gentle Autumn of our life. ...cliche, but inevitable if you have 'spring and summer' in the previous line.

[Julius]

Lovely read, great job on the meter. A few nits:

Maybe some punctuation at the end of L2.

"while with me" and "deamily" don't quite rhyme.

A comma after Summer.

Thanks for the read, I'm enjoying it.

Gentle Autumn 

Come here my love and lay awhile with me,
And with your weary head upon my breast
Relax and let your thoughts drift dreamily
As you and I together take our rest.
This is our time of close companionship,
Take comfort in the warmth of my embrace
And smile, as softly with my finger tip
I trace familiar contours of your face.
I ask no more of life than tenderness,
Our youthful times of passion being spent;
But do not think my love is any less,
Or that in life today I’m not content.
We shared our Spring and Summer dearest wife;
So now the gentle Autumn of our life. 

Thank you ellajam, I am glad you liked my poem. Also thank you for the suggested commas. I fully agree and have slipped them in

[Weeded]

Julius,
Thanks for sharing. I commend your use of meter (something I still have alot of trouble applying), and after reading the other critiques I dont have much to say other than I agree completely with Milo and Achebe.

Every single line in this poem rings in my mind of a similar line, to the point when I was finished with the poem, there wasn't much for me to take out of it. After reading a second time I take even less from it, quite the opposite effect a poem should have in my opinion. I would focus on these two users critiques as they're both very constructive and go from there.

Thanks for sharing again
mike

[Julius]

Thank you Milo, achebe and Weeded. I appreciate the time and thought that went into your consideration of my poem. I'm sorry that you saw so little merit in it, but that is the purpose of a forum - to point out such things and suggest how they might be rectified.

[REW]

Gentle Autumn 

Come here my love and lay awhile with me,
And with your weary head upon my breast,
Relax and let your thoughts drift dreamily
As you and I together take our rest.
This is our time of close companionship,
Take comfort in the warmth of my embrace
And smile, as softly with my finger tip
I trace familiar contours of your face.
I ask no more of life than tenderness,
Our youthful times of passion being spent;
But do not think my love is any less,
Or that in life today I’m not content.
We shared our Spring and Summer, dearest wife;
So now the gentle Autumn of our life. 

Hi Julius,

After reading the first line I said oh boy and settled in for what I thought was going to be bad (cheesy).  I am not criticizing your first line, just saying what I expected based on reading some terrible love poem writing in the past.  I was pleasantly surprised.  This is really nice and actually is quite lovely, not too mention sweet.  It ends beautifully.

[Julius]

Thank you Casey for your kind and generous comments. I find them both uplifting and encouraging

[billy]

as a novice poem the [sonnet] form is well executed.
outside the novice forum it wouldn't fair too well. mainly because of the cliches and there are quite a few.
while being sweet enough it loses itself in the myriad of similar sonnets with little to make it stand apart. after reading the sonnet, i know nothing of you or her. all i see is [we loved each other as we grew older] the seasons are one of the most cliched ways of showing the passage of time relating to man. try to be original. great effort, you can do a sonnet, now try at an original one

Gentle Autumn 

Come here my love and lay awhile with me,
And with your weary head upon my breast,
Relax and let your thoughts drift dreamily
As you and I together take our rest.
This is our time of close companionship,
Take comfort in the warmth of my embrace
And smile, as softly with my finger tip
I trace familiar contours of your face.
I ask no more of life than tenderness,
Our youthful times of passion being spent;
But do not think my love is any less,
Or that in life today I’m not content.
We shared our Spring and Summer, dearest wife;
So now the gentle Autumn of our life. 

[Julius]

as a novice poem the [sonnet] form is well executed.
outside the novice forum it wouldn't fair too well. mainly because of the cliches and there are quite a few.
while being sweet enough it loses itself in the myriad of similar sonnets with little to make it stand apart. after reading the sonnet, i know nothing of you or her. all i see is [we loved each other as we grew older] the seasons are one of the most cliched ways of showing the passage of time relating to man.  try to be original. great effort, you can do a sonnet, now try at an original one

Gentle Autumn 

Come here my love and lay awhile with me,
And with your weary head upon my breast,
Relax and let your thoughts drift dreamily
As you and I together take our rest.
This is our time of close companionship,
Take comfort in the warmth of my embrace
And smile, as softly with my finger tip
I trace familiar contours of your face.
I ask no more of life than tenderness,
Our youthful times of passion being spent;
But do not think my love is any less,
Or that in life today I’m not content.
We shared our Spring and Summer, dearest wife;
So now the gentle Autumn of our life. 

Thank you Billy, I'm pleased it is recognisable as a sonnet. I suppose I would have to admit that this poem was written really for my wife and although it pleased her ( Clichés and all )  I can see that not everyone would appreciate a calm expression of love in old age.

[mackzmike]

Love the title, and you did a great a job with the meter.

[milo]

as a novice poem the [sonnet] form is well executed.
outside the novice forum it wouldn't fair too well. mainly because of the cliches and there are quite a few.
while being sweet enough it loses itself in the myriad of similar sonnets with little to make it stand apart. after reading the sonnet, i know nothing of you or her. all i see is [we loved each other as we grew older] the seasons are one of the most cliched ways of showing the passage of time relating to man.  try to be original. great effort, you can do a sonnet, now try at an original one

Gentle Autumn 

Come here my love and lay awhile with me,
And with your weary head upon my breast,
Relax and let your thoughts drift dreamily
As you and I together take our rest.
This is our time of close companionship,
Take comfort in the warmth of my embrace
And smile, as softly with my finger tip
I trace familiar contours of your face.
I ask no more of life than tenderness,
Our youthful times of passion being spent;
But do not think my love is any less,
Or that in life today I’m not content.
We shared our Spring and Summer, dearest wife;
So now the gentle Autumn of our life. 

Thank you Billy, I'm pleased it is recognisable as a sonnet. I suppose I would have to admit that this poem was written really for my wife and although it pleased her ( Clichés and all )  I can see that not everyone would appreciate a calm expression of love in old age.

I think that it is not the expression of love in old age (there have been many fantastic poems written with the same topic) so much as the need of poetry to say something original.  I am sure your wife loves it (every wife should love having a poem written for her) but what separates your love and your wife from the other millions?  This is what I want from a poem, something that I havent seen 1000 times before.  Let's face it, you are not Shakespeare - as I am not Shakespeare.  We both lack the talent and ability.  our only hope in creating a poem worth reading over and over by readers who may not know our wives is to produce something they have not read before.

How will your writing transcend the millions of love in old age poems for those that don't know you or your wife?  This is a question for all of us - not just you.  The purpose of workshopping is to help us break out of our own views and see how others may view it to create a poem for many to read - not just our own friends or wives.

Good luck, I know you will do well, a sonnet is not easy.

[ellajam]

Julius, I have to agree with billy and milo, I think moving out of Novice would help you dig in a bit more. I love aging love poems, they can have a depth, a reality, an appreciation and a wit that comes with sticking around long enough to find that perspective.

While this poem has an intimacy I enjoy and I can see your work moving forward, don't be afraid to hit a nerve. Even gentle can be unique and memorable.

[1skylande1]

Just my two cents, but I think it should be better to break it into stanzas instead of leaving the poem as a wall of text.

[Julius]

Thank you all for your interest and your comments. There is much that you have provided that I shall bear in mind when I write my next poem. I think there is one thing that has not been recognised by some and that is the purpose of the poem. There are no  details that describe me or my wife, that is true, but that is because the poem is about human feelings. I would hope that anyone of advanced years who still has his partner of many years will see himself and his partner in my little vignette. For younger people, who have a loving relationship, I would hope they see an image of a possible future for themselves. Under the circumstances it would make no difference for you to know  whether my wife is fat or thin, tall or short, black or white. My (unstated) aim is to trigger your thoughts about you and your partner.
Anyway, as I said, there is much for me to think about so once again, thank you all.

[escher]

Hi Julius, nice poem, personally I love sonnets. Although I agree with most comments - that it comes across quite cliche - however, there are a few lines that I really liked that made me think of my partner of many years

Take comfort in the warmth of my embrace
And smile, as softly with my finger tip
I trace familiar contours of your face.
I ask no more of life than tenderness,

I really felt that and the honesty in your poem really comes across in those poems.

A suggestion… it may benefit from being a bit more specific to your beloved and your relationship together for all these years because what your describing is a universal feeling- the feeling will still translate but allow us to experience it in a new way, vicariously through your relationship. I guess thats the problem with cliche in a poem, it doesn't give us the opportunity to be taken away together with you in the poem.

[Julius]

Hi Julius, nice poem, personally I love sonnets. Although I agree with most comments - that it comes across quite cliche - however, there are a few lines that I really liked that made me think of my partner of many years

Take comfort in the warmth of my embrace
And smile, as softly with my finger tip
I trace familiar contours of your face.
I ask no more of life than tenderness,  

I really felt that and the honesty in your poem really comes across in those poems.

A suggestion… it may benefit from being a bit more specific to your beloved and your relationship together for all these years because what your describing is a universal feeling- the feeling will still translate but allow us to experience it in a new way, vicariously through your relationship.  I guess thats the problem with cliche in a poem, it doesn't give us the opportunity to be taken away together with you in the poem.

Thank you escher.   I'm pleased you are able to relate words in the poem to your own circumstances. I think, perhaps even subconsciously, that was one of my main aims. I suppose it is also true that I wanted to share an example of tenderness, and this message for my own wife. It's a difficult balancing act - how much description and how much emotion , thank you for the thoughtful comments.

[DC Black]

This is a love story, I found it quite beautiful, would we were all as lucky as this couple are. Some of the phrases are cliches, of course, but, for me, that didn't detract from the emotion of the piece. I agree that the word 'dreamily' needs replacing.

[The Raven]

Gentle Autumn 

Come here my love and lay awhile with me,
And with your weary head upon my breast,
Relax and let your thoughts drift dreamily
As you and I together take our rest.
This is our time of close companionship,
Take comfort in the warmth of my embrace
And smile, as softly with my finger tip
I trace familiar contours of your face.
I ask no more of life than tenderness,           
Our youthful times of passion being spent;
But do not think my love is any less,  This part here I feel could have the wording changed, maybe instead, "But do not think I love you any less"
Or that in life today I’m not content.
We shared our Spring and Summer, dearest wife;
So now the gentle Autumn of our life. 

There really isn't much I want to change about this, it is truly beautiful.