First draft. First attempt on Anacreontic verse

[zahrakh]

I was using this for reference, http://www.webexhibits.org/poetry/explor...round.html

http://www.webexhibits.org/poetry/explor...mples.html

It's a first draft. (i assume lines can have 2-5 syllables, i'm not sure about this form. Do guide me if you know anything about it)

tense breathing
inhale
mixed odours
of fresh wall paint
and coffee
daze
moments unrestful
floating
nervous gazes
shifting
of nebulous
where words
letters and phrases
become shadows
possibilities
become spirits
untouchable
and the coffee
leaves its last steam
to be merged
into nothingness

...to be continued.
i don't think it fits in the form? But at least I started something.

[tectak]

I was using this for reference, http://www.webexhibits.org/poetry/explor...round.html

http://www.webexhibits.org/poetry/explor...mples.html

It's a first draft. (i assume lines can have 2-5 syllables, i'm not sure about this form. Do guide me if you know anything about it)

tense breathing
inhale
mixed odours
of fresh wall paint
and coffee
daze
moments unrestful
floating
nervous gazes
shifting
of nebulous
where words
letters and phrases
become shadows
possibilities
become spirits
untouchable
and the coffee
leaves its last steam
to be merged
into nothingness

...to be continued.  
i don't think it fits in the form? But at least I started something.

Did you notice the punctuation?
No. Thought not. Yours has none.
Good start. You conceptualise well. There is more to poetry.
Best,
edit it,
tectak

[zahrakh]

Thank you,
sorry about
the lack of punctuation. I'll make sure I don't forget them next time.And it'a a first draft so it'll be going through editing definitely.

[zahrakh]

I thing i should change the form or something.

[Liz11]

Interesting form, I've never heard of this either. I really appreciated the mood you created here, very surreal I would say. I hope that was what you were going for, but I definitely liked it either way One thing that I got a little hung up on was the approximate rhyme with "daze, gazes and phrases". Not sure if you noticed that or were trying to incorporate it or if it just happened. I'm not sure if I like it too much and you may want to consider that in the revision process because it held up the rhythm some for me while I was reading but maybe that's just me. Thanks!!

[zahrakh]

Oh no I didn't notice, thanks a bunch Liz ♡

[zahrakh]

Can anyone guide me about Anacreontic though?

[zahrakh]

Anyway, thank you for the critique.