Damn This Field

[paulcanuck]

Damn This Field

Damn this field!
Plowing is rough
In this wind, in this dust

Damn you, field!
Never offered a crop
Worth this work and this fuss

Whoa there, Bess!
Don't hurt yourself!
Ten furrows left
Won't be long now
We'll unhook this plow

Curse this land!
For burning these hands,
Sticking knives in my knees

Curse you, land!
All the pain you demand
You should be rightfully pleased

Hold on, Bess
My God you sweat!
Just eight rows left
Won't be long now
Then you can rest

Damn you, field
For taking Pa
Still see him slumped over

And for muffling the shout
Of his heart giving out
By your weeds in the corner

Hang on, Bess
Don't injure yourself
Six furrows left
Won't be long now
We'll get you some rest

Damn you, field!
You never upheld
Your end of the bargain

Damn you to hell!
Next to nothing to sell
Come the cold of this Autumn

Sorry, ol' Bess
It's not you I address
It won't be long now
No, it won't be long now
We'll get us some rest
Yeah, we'll get us some rest

[Brownlie]

Hello Paul, I often do parodies of Cowboy poetry, but then I feel bad for being snobbish.

Damn This Field

Damn this field!
Plowing is rough
In this wind, in this dust -- I think the  is the lack of punctuation may create a problem


Damn you, field!
Never offered a crop --There is a problem with cohesion. It reads sort of fragmented.
Worth this work and this fuss -- "this" is really not necessary unless your using it for a reason.

Whoa there, Bess!
Don't hurt yourself!
Ten furrows left
Won't be long now
We'll unhook this plow

Curse this land!
For burning these hands, -- If you want iambic meter, this is off. (That was a mistake on my part).
Sticking knives in my knees

Curse you, land!
All the pain you demand
You should be rightfully pleased

Hold on, Bess
My God you sweat!
Just eight rows left
Won't be long now
Then you can rest

Damn you, field
For taking Pa
Still see him slumped over

And for muffling the shout
Of his heart giving out
By your weeds in the corner

Hang on, Bess
Don't injure yourself
Six furrows left
Won't be long now
We'll get you some rest

Damn you, field!
You never upheld
Your end of the bargain -- I like this line.

Damn you to hell!
Next to nothing to sell
In the cold of October

Sorry, ol' Bess
It's not you I address -- Normally, I would say "you" is cumbersome. However, it may work if your trying to capture the sound of lighter cowboy poetry.
It won't be long now
No, it won't be long now
We'll get us some rest
Yeah, we'll get us some rest

There's some cool stuff here. I like the idea of irate cowboy poetry and feel anapests would work well there.

[Ribo]

Damn This Field

Damn this field!
Plowing is rough
In this wind, in this dust

Damn you, field!
Never offered a crop
Worth this work and this fuss -- last "this" seems redundant - also is this a question? - maybe "why this work and fuss?"...

Whoa there, Bess!
Don't hurt yourself!
Ten furrows left
Won't be long now
We'll unhook this plow

Curse this land!
For burning these hands, - suggestion "my burning hands!"
Sticking knives in my knees - suggestion "the knives stuck in my knees!"

Curse you, land!
All the pain you demand
You should be rightfully pleased

Hold on, Bess
My God you sweat!
Just eight rows left
Won't be long now -- needs more drama...
Then you can rest

Damn you, field
For taking Pa
Still see him slumped over

And for muffling the shout
Of his heart giving out
By your weeds in the corner

Hang on, Bess -- suggest referring to Bess as ol' Bess soon i.e. here! -  to keep progression
Don't injure yourself
Six furrows left
Won't be long now
We'll get you some rest

Damn you, field!
You never upheld
Your end of the bargain --
Damn you to hell!
Next to nothing to sell
Come the cold of this Autumn

Sorry, ol' Bess
It's not you I address
It won't be long now
No, it won't be long now
We'll get us some rest
Yeah, we'll get us some rest

[Erthona]

Damn This Field

Damn this field!
Plowing is rough
In this wind, in this dust

Damn you, field!
Never offered a crop  (offered no crop- to echo the first stanza)
Worth this work and this fuss

Whoa there, Bess!
Don't hurt yourself!
Ten furrows left
Won't be long now  (lose the "now")
We'll unhook this plow ("I'll unhook" unless Bess has hands)

Curse this land!
For burning these hands, (don't need the "for" it's understood)
Sticking knives in my knees

Curse you, land!
All the pain you demand
You should be rightfully pleased (maybe "righteously" instead of "rightly", a little more irony that way.)

Hold on, Bess  (Maybe "girl" instead of "Bess")
My God you sweat!
Just eight rows left
Won't be long now (drop "now")
Then you can rest

Damn you, field
For taking Pa
Still see him slumped over (This is an awkward line, breaks up rhythm)

And for muffling the shout
Of his heart giving out
By your weeds in the corner (This whole section needs reworking, so you only have to address the field once)

Hang on, Bess
Don't injure yourself
Six furrows left
Won't be long now  (not long now)
We'll get you some rest ( leave out "you")

Damn you, field!
You never upheld  ("kept")
Your end of the bargain

Damn you to hell!
Next to nothing to sell (leave out "next to")
Come the cold of this Autumn ("come Autumn cold" personally I'd drop the red letters.)

Sorry, ol' Bess
It's not you I address
It won't be long now (drop "now")
No, it won't be long now (drop "now")
We'll get us some rest
Yeah, we'll get us some rest

Most of these suggestion are to keep the cadence of the poem smooth, or because some words are simply redundant. Feel free to ignore all suggestion.

Dale

[paulcanuck]

Please forgive me for asking questions - I'm new to poetry forums and am usually writing song lyrics - so not being defensive - just want to understand! See comments below..

Hello Paul, I often do parodies of Cowboy poetry, but then I feel bad for being snobbish.

You read this as a cowboy poem parody? Interesting!

Damn This Field

Damn this field!
Plowing is rough
In this wind, in this dust -- I think the  is the lack of punctuation may create a problem
don't know what you mean here, there is a comma n'est pas?

Damn you, field!
Never offered a crop --There is a problem with cohesion. It reads sort of fragmented.
Worth this work and this fuss -- "this" is really not necessary unless your using it for a reason.
Just echoing the meter in the first stanza - plus I like the assonance this/fuss

Whoa there, Bess!
Don't hurt yourself!
Ten furrows left
Won't be long now
We'll unhook this plow

Curse this land!
For burning these hands, -- If you want iambic meter, this is off.same meter as previous stanzas - how is it off?
Sticking knives in my knees

Curse you, land!
All the pain you demand
You should be rightfully pleased

Hold on, Bess
My God you sweat!
Just eight rows left
Won't be long now
Then you can rest

Damn you, field
For taking Pa
Still see him slumped over

And for muffling the shout
Of his heart giving out
By your weeds in the corner

Hang on, Bess
Don't injure yourself
Six furrows left
Won't be long now
We'll get you some rest

Damn you, field!
You never upheld
Your end of the bargain -- I like this line.

Damn you to hell!
Next to nothing to sell
In the cold of October

Sorry, ol' Bess
It's not you I address -- Normally, I would say "you" is cumbersome. However, it may work if your trying to capture the sound of lighter cowboy poetry. If I take the word "you" out it makes no sense - what do you mean? BTW - you misspelled "you're"
It won't be long now
No, it won't be long now
We'll get us some rest
Yeah, we'll get us some rest

There's some cool stuff here. I like the idea of irate cowboy poetry and feel anapests would work well there.

[paulcanuck]

Hi Ribo - I'll ask you to forgive the questions too - just trying to understand your suggs

Damn This Field

Damn this field!
Plowing is rough
In this wind, in this dust

Damn you, field!
Never offered a crop
Worth this work and this fuss -- last "this" seems redundant - also is this a question? - maybe "why this work and fuss?"... The second and third line form a sentence - your suggestion would break that couplet, and yes I guess it is a bit redundant but it does nicely echo the first stanza's last line.

Whoa there, Bess!
Don't hurt yourself!
Ten furrows left
Won't be long now
We'll unhook this plow

Curse this land!
For burning these hands, - suggestion "my burning hands!"
Sticking knives in my knees - suggestion "the knives stuck in my knees!" I am setting up a personification of "this land" in the next stanza. Plus, Knives and Knees both get emphasis, but doesn't your suggestion break that?

Curse you, land!
All the pain you demand
You should be rightfully pleased

Hold on, Bess
My God you sweat!
Just eight rows left
Won't be long now -- needs more drama...
Then you can rest

Damn you, field
For taking Pa
Still see him slumped over

And for muffling the shout
Of his heart giving out
By your weeds in the corner

Hang on, Bess -- suggest referring to Bess as ol' Bess soon i.e. here! -  to keep progression Not a bad idea, but it might sound odd using ol' Bess twice?
Don't injure yourself
Six furrows left
Won't be long now
We'll get you some rest

Damn you, field!
You never upheld
Your end of the bargain --    
Damn you to hell!
Next to nothing to sell
Come the cold of this Autumn

Sorry, ol' Bess
It's not you I address
It won't be long now
No, it won't be long now
We'll get us some rest
Yeah, we'll get us some rest

[paulcanuck]

Hi Dale - thanks for reviewing and commenting. Some responses below
cheers

Damn This Field

Damn this field!
Plowing is rough
In this wind, in this dust

Damn you, field!
Never offered a crop  (offered no crop- to echo the first stanza) yes you are correct - that would better reflect the earlier line. Hmmm - that word "never" is important in the context - I'll think on that
Worth this work and this fuss

Whoa there, Bess!
Don't hurt yourself!
Ten furrows left
Won't be long now  (lose the "now") wanted "now" to rhyme with "plow"
We'll unhook this plow ("I'll unhook" unless Bess has hands) I use "we to establish his affection for the horse - kind of "we're in this together" If you've ever dressed a toddler - it's like "we're going to put on our pajamas" - but they aren't much help!

Curse this land!
For burning these hands, (don't need the "for" it's understood) Maybe, but if you leave it out there is a tendency to invent a subject in front of it. Like "I'm burning these hands" - I want it to be clear he is blaming the land/field.
Sticking knives in my knees

Curse you, land!
All the pain you demand
You should be rightfully pleased (maybe "righteously" instead of "rightly", a little more irony that way.) I love that idea - righteous man!

Hold on, Bess  (Maybe "girl" instead of "Bess") I had considered that - I would lose a bit of rhyming but might be worth it.
My God you sweat!
Just eight rows left
Won't be long now (drop "now")
Then you can rest

Damn you, field
For taking Pa
Still see him slumped over (This is an awkward line, breaks up rhythm) TBH, it is awkward on purpose. Nothing more awkward than a dead man slumping!

And for muffling the shout
Of his heart giving out
By your weeds in the corner (This whole section needs reworking, so you only have to address the field once) Respectfully couldn't agree less hehe   The field is only being addressed once in the previous stanza unless you are considering "your" in this line as addressing the field. This section is meant to stand out as different. He is at an emotional peak here talking of his dead father.

Hang on, Bess
Don't injure yourself
Six furrows left
Won't be long now  (not long now)
We'll get you some rest ( leave out "you") Deliberate again - he doesn't include himself until the end stanza. His first concern is the horse, otherwise he will be seen as feeling sorry for himself IMO

Damn you, field!
You never upheld  ("kept")
Your end of the bargain

Damn you to hell!
Next to nothing to sell (leave out "next to")
Come the cold of this Autumn ("come Autumn cold" personally I'd drop the red letters.) I'm not really fond of this line either - I'll think on it - it's red because it was an edit after a few had commented.

Sorry, ol' Bess
It's not you I address
It won't be long now (drop "now") yes - could be dropped here and next line as I don't need the rhyme anymore
No, it won't be long now (drop "now")
We'll get us some rest
Yeah, we'll get us some rest

Most of these suggestion are to keep the cadence of the poem smooth, or because some words are simply redundant. Feel free to ignore all suggestion.

Dale

[Brownlie]

Please forgive me for asking questions - I'm new to poetry forums and am usually writing song lyrics - so not being defensive - just want to understand! See comments below..

Hello Paul, I often do parodies of Cowboy poetry, but then I feel bad for being snobbish.

You read this as a cowboy poem parody? Interesting!

Damn This Field

Damn this field!
Plowing is rough
In this wind, in this dust -- I think the  is the lack of punctuation may create a problem
don't know what you mean here, there is a comma n'est pas?

Damn you, field!
Never offered a crop --There is a problem with cohesion. It reads sort of fragmented.
Worth this work and this fuss -- "this" is really not necessary unless your using it for a reason.
Just echoing the meter in the first stanza - plus I like the assonance this/fuss

Whoa there, Bess!
Don't hurt yourself!
Ten furrows left
Won't be long now
We'll unhook this plow

Curse this land!
For burning these hands, -- If you want iambic meter, this is off.same meter as previous stanzas - how is it off?
Sticking knives in my knees

Curse you, land!
All the pain you demand
You should be rightfully pleased

Hold on, Bess
My God you sweat!
Just eight rows left
Won't be long now
Then you can rest

Damn you, field
For taking Pa
Still see him slumped over

And for muffling the shout
Of his heart giving out
By your weeds in the corner

Hang on, Bess
Don't injure yourself
Six furrows left
Won't be long now
We'll get you some rest

Damn you, field!
You never upheld
Your end of the bargain -- I like this line.

Damn you to hell!
Next to nothing to sell
In the cold of October

Sorry, ol' Bess
It's not you I address -- Normally, I would say "you" is cumbersome. However, it may work if your trying to capture the sound of lighter cowboy poetry. If I take the word "you" out it makes no sense - what do you mean? BTW - you misspelled "you're"    You could possibly replace "you" with something else, but that's your decision.
It won't be long now
No, it won't be long now
We'll get us some rest
Yeah, we'll get us some rest

There's some cool stuff here. I like the idea of irate cowboy poetry and feel anapests would work well there.

lol, you're right about the meter being fine in that stanza. Here's a good poem about a farm, in my opinion. http://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/walk-...old-tracks. Perhaps you've seen it before. I was too flippant with my first response. I think the rhyming took me away from your poem.

[paulcanuck]

Please forgive me for asking questions - I'm new to poetry forums and am usually writing song lyrics - so not being defensive - just want to understand! See comments below..

Hello Paul, I often do parodies of Cowboy poetry, but then I feel bad for being snobbish.

You read this as a cowboy poem parody? Interesting!


There's some cool stuff here. I like the idea of irate cowboy poetry and feel anapests would work well there.

lol, you're right about the meter being fine in that stanza. Here's a good poem about a farm, in my opinion. http://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/walk-...old-tracks. Perhaps you've seen it before. I was too flippant with my first response. I think the rhyming took me away from your poem.

Yeah - coming from a song lyrics background I do put a lot of emphasis on rhyming, but then again so did Edgar Guest - one of my fav poets. Thanks for the link - very nice poem - if that's what it is.. I'm just wondering where poems leave off and short stories begin or is it a murky line?
cheers
Paul