The Sick Gazelle

[Wjames]

Her eyes were transfixed
on the drink I had just bought her;
swollen and red and separate
from the rest of the world.
 
She said her boyfriend had just moved to Italy
and that she had offered to go with him.
 
I told her she was pretty
and deserved better.

[tectak]

Her eyes were transfixed
on the drink I had just bought her;
swollen and red and separate
from the rest of the world.
 
She said her boyfriend had just moved to Italy
and that she had offered to go with him.
 
I told her she was pretty
and deserved better.

Hi Wj,
Yes to this. It is clean. It is precise. It is haunting. It is thought provoking. It is not poetry.
It just is...but is is enough?
Best
tectak

[Wjames]

Her eyes were transfixed
on the drink I had just bought her;
swollen and red and separate
from the rest of the world.
 
She said her boyfriend had just moved to Italy
and that she had offered to go with him.
 
I told her she was pretty
and deserved better.

Hi Wj,
Yes to this. It is clean. It is precise. It is haunting. It is thought provoking. It is not poetry.
It just is...but is is enough?
Best
tectak

What is poetry anyways?

I like it, that's enough for me.

[billy]

a thumb's up for me

[Wjames]

a thumb's up for me

I'm glad you liked it Billy - thanks for reading.

[calypist]

I like the way you sort of left out the intention of the person buying her the drink. It's not about sex, or even sympathy, It's just an event that leaves much to the imagination of the reader, and yet, has a very conclusive way of making me feel satisfied with leaving it the way it is. I don't need to know what happens next, because it gives the impression that this sort of thing is happening everywhere, all of the time, in many different ways.

It's a bit of a mindfuck just how simple and perfect it is. I absolutely love it. The way you use "transfixed," as if she was terrified to see that someone else was buying her a drink, the way it makes her heartbreak all too real to her. Like, "this is it, he's gone, someone else is swooping in."

Just excellent. Thank you for sharing.

[just mercedes]

Her eyes were transfixed
on the drink I had just bought her;
swollen and red and separate
from the rest of the world.
 
She said her boyfriend had just moved to Italy
and that she had offered to go with him.
 
I told her she was pretty
and deserved better.

This works for me too. I like the confusion about just what was swollen and red. I'd haggle a bit about 'fixed' instead of 'transfixed', and the second 'just' - in fact you could cut a bit more - she said, and that, but you lose the chatty ambiance.

[Tiger the Lion]

Wonderful sketch. Precise and ambiguous at the same time. Who hasn't lived this scene in one way or another? Excellent job getting it done with such brevity. - Paul