Reserved - edit

[ray]

Revised

The muffled room in which we dine
at tables doomed for eight or nine;
the champagne glasses deftly clinked,
though champagne isn’t what we drink.
The chicken’s textured rubber duck
and vegetables are overcooked;
rain dribbles down the window-panes;
the walls exhibit ageing stains.
The waitress frowns absorbed, remote;
you shape a sound and clear your throat
then whisper something indistinct;
our stiltedness makes others wince.
The portraits yawn, the music ticks;
a napkin’s drawn to bloodless lips.
So many seats remain unfilled
to celebrate how time is killed.

 

 


Original


The muffled room in which we dine
at tables doomed for eight or nine;
the champagne glasses deftly clinked,
though champagne isn’t what we drink.
The chicken’s textured rubber duck
and vegetables are overcooked;
rain dribbles down the window-panes;
the walls exhibit aged stains.
The waitress frowns absorbed, remote;
you shape a sound, you clear your throat
then whisper something indistinct;
our stiltedness makes others wince.
The portraits yawn, the music plinks;
a napkin’s drawn to bloodless lips.
So many seats remain unfilled
to celebrate how time is killed.
 

[Wjames]

The muffled room in which we dine
at tables doomed for eight or nine;  I don't really see how the table is "doomed", unless it's supposed to tie in at the end with the killed time somehow? I think something like "groomed" might be better.
the champagne glasses deftly clinked,
though champagne isn’t what we drink. What do you drink?
The chicken’s textured rubber duck  I like this line.
and vegetables are overcooked; the half-rhyme sort of works for me here.
rain dribbles down the window-panes;
the walls exhibit aged stains. This only works for the syllable count if it is "age-ed" which is a little weird.
The waitress frowns absorbed, remote;
you shape a sound, you clear your throat you might want to change the second "you" for something like "and". There are three "you's" in this line as is.
then whisper something indistinct; This line doesn't say much.
our stiltedness makes others wince. This rhyme doesn't work for me at all, it's two completely different sounds.
The portraits yawn, the music plinks;
a napkin’s drawn to bloodless lips. Neither does this one.
So many seats remain unfilled
to celebrate how time is killed. How is time killed? Stuffy stuck-up nights out like this one? Then why aren't the seats filled?
 

Most of the poem reads smoothly, but I can't really glean any overarching meaning from the empty, presumably "reserved" seats, and the passage (wasting?) of time. Hopefully my thoughts are of some use to you.

[cidermaid]

Hi Ray, this one had a gloomy and deflated tone to the read as well as the subject.  This might have been your intention, but if so perhaps it was a little overdone...I felt depressed after reading this one!

The muffled room in which we dine   I like this opener, it lays out a clear picture of that type of setting.  For me I almost want to reverse your sentance to read  the room in which we dine is muffled.   (I know this would immediatly would turn your rhymes out the window - just a thought for you to consider - it makes the voice more immediate and less reported)
at tables doomed for eight or nine;    sorry the tables are not doomed...i think you are trying to set an image for the fate of the diners who might sit there, or possibly that this is dining for social interaction - bigger parties and that as a table for two, the emotional overtone is wrong from the outset....but as it is written it is just odd.
the champagne glasses deftly clinked,   As a run on idea from the second proposition of the line above this could work with a change from the to where as the preposition word.
though champagne isn’t what we drink.    But overall this thought then has run on too long and by this line I've lost track of what the opening idea was...more so because of the doomed table confusion.  I think it might be better to put a period in after clinked and make this a flat statement about what is drunk instead.  (repeating champagne referance does not add anything)
The chicken’s textured rubber duck    Sorry this line does not work for me at all.   I am reading the personification of a chicken who has a textured rubber duck!   (Also rubber duck is a huge cleche).   Rubber textured chicken pluck   (I'm thinking that this might add an image of the food being not only phisically tastless but also emotionally not required as well.
and vegetables are overcooked;
rain dribbles down the window-panes;
the walls exhibit aged stains.    The above three lines are all good solid image builders.
The waitress frowns absorbed, remote;   I think you need to address the punctuation for more clarity here.   I think you want The waitress frowns, absorbed, remote.
You shape a sound, you clear your throat   No need to repeat the second you here use and or abandon the syllable count and go for a different effect.  I personally feel that the syllable count is killing the life out of the poem to much and it would benifit from a freer appraoch.
then whisper something indistinct;
our stiltedness makes others wince.
The portraits yawn, the music plinks;
a napkin’s drawn to bloodless lips.
So many seats remain unfilled   If this is missing family members perhaps a further line is needed to inform the reader...as it is we don't know who should be in the seats, or why they are missing.
to celebrate how time is killed.   Killing time is cliche and this variation on this is too close to be new.   (I was thinking that this was a aniversary of some sort, a twist could be added if it is a sad one - a child passing...just my take on the read).

These last six lines have some nice images hidden within them but the punctuation is confused and confusing and the meaning gets lost in this and the off rhymes.  
 

Overall I think this one needs a punctuation overhaul and you need to address a couple of the lines / images to sharpen up your intent to the reader.   But you do have the makings of a nice poem.  As it stands I am reading a failed relationship either due to time or some sadness / event that has robbed them of family / friends.

All the best AJ.

[arbitraryarmor]

The muffled room in which we dine
at tables doomed for eight or nine; I like the word "doomed" here personally, but I would probably choose a different one because it's pretty abstract
the champagne glasses deftly clinked,
though champagne isn’t what we drink. Nice contrast with the previous line
The chicken’s textured rubber duck
and vegetables are overcooked; I probably wouldn't use slant rhyme here.
rain dribbles down the window-panes; "Rain" breaks the meter; whether or not this is intentional is unknown to me
the walls exhibit aged stains. The meter's off on this one as well, although you could go classic English on us and pronounce it "ag'ed"
The waitress frowns absorbed, remote; Correct grammar would be "The waitress frowns, absorbed and remote", so I think this line needs some reworking from a grammar standpoint; at the very least, there should be a comma or a semicolon after 'frowns'.
you shape a sound, you clear your throat
then whisper something indistinct; This line offsets the tempo; the presence of the word "then" makes this line feel attached to the couplet previous which makes the next line feel stranded.
our stiltedness makes others wince. Seems like an overreaction; the audience can focus on the small details, but it makes no sense for the people in the restaurant to be. Also, who's "our"? Lastly, your lines go "...then whisper something indistinct; // our stiltedness makes others wince." which doesn't flow well in my head.
The portraits yawn, the music plinks; "Plinks" is a poor choice of words here because it doesn't rhyme; "skips" works thematically and sounds much better
a napkin’s drawn to bloodless lips.
So many seats remain unfilled
to celebrate how time is killed.
 

Overall I actually quite enjoyed the poem; the rhythm is quite strong and the good imagery paints the gray subject without being too down about it.

[ray]

Thanks for the comments.

WJames - doomed will likely go. aged should be pronounced with 2 syllables but perhaps I'll use ageing.
you shape a sound, you clear your throat  - yeah, at least one you will go
I'm fine with indistinct/wince, not so much now with lips/plinks
to celebrate how time is killed.  - well, imagine a wedding anniversary, for instance

Cidermaid  - I'm not sure about the champagne lines. They've a certain flatness I like.
yes, I need a comma after frowns
The syllable count is meant to mirror the , er, studiedness of the characters

arbitraryarmor - I've addressed most of your comments already, I hope. I don't see that rain disturbs the metre

[abu nuwas]

Thanks for the comments.

WJames - doomed will likely go. aged should be pronounced with 2 syllables but perhaps I'll use ageing.
you shape a sound, you clear your throat  - yeah, at least one you will go
I'm fine with indistinct/wince, not so much now with lips/plinks
to celebrate how time is killed.  - well, imagine a wedding anniversary, for instance

Cidermaid  - I'm not sure about the champagne lines. They've a certain flatness I like.
yes, I need a comma after frowns
The syllable count is meant to mirror the , er, studiedness of the characters

arbitraryarmor - I've addressed most of your comments already, I hope. I don't see that rain disturbs the metre

There is nothing wrong with the meter -it is like an iambic metronome, four feet to the line. I think it does suit the scene.

I have been in restaurants like that, but never in such circumstances. One imagines that if the couple were happy, the food would seem good, and they would not notice the waitress or the stained wall. But I imagine it to be rather like one of Strindberg's plays, where the couple do not talk, because they said everything they had to say long ago. 

I wondered about 'wince' though.  The stiltedness is an ongoing thing, but we wince at an unexpected or at least a single thing -- though I shall practise continuous wincing to test this. There were several references to sound, or the lack of it, and I think this is highlighted by the lack of colour. I'm sure all the other comments were important.

[ray]

Thanks, abu nuwas.

I have been in restaurants like that, but never in such circumstances. One imagines that if the couple were happy, the food would seem good, and they would not notice the waitress or the stained wall. But I imagine it to be rather like one of Strindberg's plays, where the couple do not talk, because they said everything they had to say long ago.

That's well put and what I tried to convey.
Do we only wince at the singular and unexpected? I'm not sure. We wince at old jokes, for example, or bad sitcoms,  that's the kind of wince I had in mind. 

[bena]

I haven't read the other crits so forgive me if I repeat...]I really love this poem: the whole idea behind it, the freshness of the imagery and thanks for non traditional end rhymes.

L8 is missing a beat as we say in rock: could be remedied as easily as adding well in front of aged. (plus that word adds assonance & alliteration which I adore)

The last stanza before the couplet the slant rhymes kind of get a bit wonky (plus you changed rhyme patterns)--winch --whathuh where's the rhyme (that's my audience voice)

Really nice almost sonnet. Way to push boundaries.


cheers,
mel.

[ray]

Thanks very much, Mel. I've changed a few things. Still thinking on doomed and wince.

[arbitraryarmor]

While you might wince in response to an old joke, the general connotation with wincing is something painful; forced mannerisms hardly seem deserving of wincing to me.

[billy]

i'll just comment on the edit as i missed it the first time round.
overall i really enjoyed the read, while reading it in order to give constructive feedback i stumbled with the fourth line but reading the poem as a whole and not a single line at a time it read perfectly. i like the title, it sets the poem up well and the reader is instantly aware of a certain setting. i think it was bloody excellent. while the last four or five lines felt a tad forced, their enjoyment and humour (for me) made the poem work well. if i had to find a nit, it would be [drink]. as the poem is in the past tense, should it be [drank] it doesn't really matter to me but it is a blip on an otherwise really good piece of poetry. i could have said something good about most if not all of the lines but prefer to say i liked it over all for the craft of the thing, the insight of thing, and the humour of the thing.
thanks for the read.

Revised

The muffled room in which we dine
at tables doomed for eight or nine;
the champagne glasses deftly clinked,
though champagne isn’t what we drink. i love the cheapness of this or the abstinence ( did they use them for water i wonder)
The chicken’s textured rubber duck  it feels like it's missing a comma
and vegetables are overcooked;
rain dribbles down the window-panes;
the walls exhibit ageing stains.
The waitress frowns absorbed, remote;
you shape a sound and clear your throat this and the line above is a solid couple with a good image.
then whisper something indistinct;
our stiltedness makes others wince.
The portraits yawn, the music ticks;
a napkin’s drawn to bloodless lips.
So many seats remain unfilled
to celebrate how time is killed.

 

 


Original


The muffled room in which we dine
at tables doomed for eight or nine;
the champagne glasses deftly clinked,
though champagne isn’t what we drink.
The chicken’s textured rubber duck
and vegetables are overcooked;
rain dribbles down the window-panes;
the walls exhibit aged stains.
The waitress frowns absorbed, remote;
you shape a sound, you clear your throat
then whisper something indistinct;
our stiltedness makes others wince.
The portraits yawn, the music plinks;
a napkin’s drawn to bloodless lips.
So many seats remain unfilled
to celebrate how time is killed.
 

[tectak]

Revised

The muffled room in which we dine
at tables doomed for eight or nine;
the champagne glasses deftly clinked,
though champagne isn’t what we drink.
The chicken’s textured rubber duck
and vegetables are overcooked;
rain dribbles down the window-panes;
the walls exhibit ageing stains.
The waitress frowns absorbed, remote;
you shape a sound and clear your throat
then whisper something indistinct;
our stiltedness makes others wince.
The portraits yawn, the music ticks;
a napkin’s drawn to bloodless lips.
So many seats remain unfilled
to celebrate how time is killed.

 

 


Original


The muffled room in which we dine
at tables doomed for eight or nine;
the champagne glasses deftly clinked,
though champagne isn’t what we drink.
The chicken’s textured rubber duck
and vegetables are overcooked;
rain dribbles down the window-panes;
the walls exhibit aged stains.
The waitress frowns absorbed, remote;
you shape a sound, you clear your throat
then whisper something indistinct;
our stiltedness makes others wince.
The portraits yawn, the music plinks;
a napkin’s drawn to bloodless lips.
So many seats remain unfilled
to celebrate how time is killed.
 

I've followed this one ray. I can't do a line by line because the bloody reply box is in "show all characters" so it's all font,size,font,colour[]blah,blah...so this me liking it it but:
Colonic discharge. The first four lines do not a sentence make. You may think this inconsequential in a rolling piece like this but if you want it to fall forward under its own gravity, propping it up with semicolons doesn't help.
"The chicken chews like rubber duck" is easier to say with your mouth full, then comma but loose the "and" next line, in favour of "the". So:
"The chicken chews like rubber duck,
the vegetables are overcooked." English vegetables are vedge-tah-bles.Your poem.You have a sentence so next two lines are another.Like.
The rest is just as good but needs the same treatment. Overall, this is solid stuff and could almost qualify as a duo of vignettes with close coupling.
Well done.
Best,
tectak

[ray]

Thanks, fellas. I guess my defence of the use of wince is that the whole scene is a little over the top and deserving of extreme reactions. Perhaps.
 The poem isn't meant to be in the past tense, Billy, so drink should be OK.
Tectak - yeah, you're right, it isn't really a sentence, but still, I think it works within this poem. I don't see your point about vedge-tah-bles. Oh, maybe I do. You're saying vegetables is spoken as 4 syllables? This isn't a posh restaurant. 

[billy]

i see the present tense in the first line. it was the clinked that screwed with me, i was thinking clink. either way it's a nit and doesn't really make much difference.