She is
#1
She is the sanctity of the dark,
The mirth of the rain
She is the safety of the hearth
The cure to my pain
She is the stillness of my heart
The solace to my strain
She is the defender of my peace
The silence of my domain
She is the protector of the unloved
Of life and death in twain
Her benevolence is matched by none
And for her love i pray
Yes, she's a work of art
And she brings light when all is gray
I would take a minute with her
Over any other day.

Old version:

She is the sanctity of the dark,
the mirth of the rain,
is the safety of the hearth,
the cure to my pain.
She is the stillness of my heart,
the solace to my strain,
is the defender of my peace,
the silence of my domain.
She is the protector of the unloved,
of life and death in twain.
Her benevolence is matched by none
and for her love I pray.
Yes, she's a work of art,
and to her love I'm chained;
but you can't spell painting
without spelling pain.
[Image: de77k1.jpg]
Sweet sig by DarkNightCavalier on the MTGS forums.
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#2
The last stanza comes wholly out of the blue. She's good until suddenly she's an anchor and a source of pain--you should rewrite such that her thorniness is anticipated.
A yak is normal.
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#3
It's meant to show how her own pain is part of what makes her a work of art. Those who soothe pain often have felt it in their lifetime. I changed the 15th line to make it clearer.
[Image: de77k1.jpg]
Sweet sig by DarkNightCavalier on the MTGS forums.
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#4
I was into this until I got to that last line. I agree that it's jarring, in both meaning and tone. It's too much like a punch line or like one of those motivational slogans. I'm thinking you could make this work if the last 4 lines were somehow less obvious.
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#5
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I changed the last stanza to be more positive.
[Image: de77k1.jpg]
Sweet sig by DarkNightCavalier on the MTGS forums.
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#6
The tones still feels off. It feels more formal up until the last two lines. They also leave me hanging a bit like, "over any other day" with who or what or where?

I'm also thinking art can be challenging, frustrating, and a lot of it does come out of pain. So maybe the initial idea was sound -- if not how it was worded -- but you would somehow need to introduce the duality or contrast of pleasure/good vs. pain etc. earlier. It's a tough one -- defining art even in terms of how you feel about it is a pretty tall order. Smile
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#7
This is Serious Workshopping.  Please ensure that your comments are specific, relevant and useful for editing purposes/ admin
It could be worse
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