***/To My Children/

[bogpan]

At some unnamed night,
and it will be bright,
I'll go away.
The door I will never
close
the flowers will keep
fragrance.
My children will have fallen asleep
the most deeply
covered and caressed
and somebody will cant to them again
a cradle song.
It will be light like in a temple
and clear like a voice
in mountains.
Then I'll leave
forgotten all the words…

A branch in the white snow.




translation from Bulgarian

[ellajam]

Hi, bog, this is a lovely read, some notes are below.

At some unnamed night, Possibly On instead of At. Possibly condense into "On some bright night" with a more interesting word than bright.
and it will be bright,
I'll go away.
The door I will never I don't think you need "I".
close
the flowers will keep
fragrance.
My children will have fallen asleep
the most deeply Possibly lose "the".
covered and caressed
and somebody will cant to them again
a cradle song.
It will be light like in a temple Consider a comma or break after "light".
and clear like a voice
in mountains.
Then I'll leave
forgotten all the words…

A branch in the white snow.




translation from Bulgarian

Thanks for posting this, a pleasure to read.

[gypsyrose]

I think it should be "On some unnamed night and all will be bright". Then "The door will never close, the flowers will keep fragrant" Also maybe, "My children have fallen asleep most deeply" and "somebody will sing to them a cradle song"

But I love the concept of your poem. Good Luck!

[bogpan]

Hi, bog, this is a lovely read, some notes are below.

At some unnamed night, Possibly On instead of At. Possibly condense into "On some bright night" with a more interesting word than bright.
and it will be bright,
I'll go away.
The door I will never I don't think you need "I".
close
the flowers will keep
fragrance.
My children will have fallen asleep
the most deeply Possibly lose "the".
covered and caressed
and somebody will cant to them again
a cradle song.
It will be light like in a temple Consider a comma or break after "light".
and clear like a voice
in mountains.
Then I'll leave
forgotten all the words…

A branch in the white snow.




translation from Bulgarian

Thanks for posting this, a pleasure to read.

Thank you for the share. I'd like to ask you several questions about your comments: you're saying that "on" is better than "at". What do you mean exactly with "on some unnamed night"? It's hard for me to understand. For me the word "bright" is connected to the end of the poem and the whole feeling. For your second comment I accept that it should be without "I" because it's a translation mistake. Also I'd like to know why you're proposing me to lose the "the" because for me is not clear what's the exact difference between "most" and "the most". I wouldn't like to put comma or space after "light" because it will split the connection between the words and the whole feeling. Greetings!

[bogpan]

I think it should be "On some unnamed night and all will be bright". Then "The door will never close, the flowers will keep fragrant" Also maybe, "My children have fallen asleep most deeply" and "somebody will sing to them a cradle song"

But I love the concept of your poem. Good Luck!

Thank you for the share. I've already answered to most of your comments. For me in the context of the poem the word "cant" is better than "sing". Greetings!

[billy]

At some unnamed night,  [on some], because night isn't a place or object
and it will be bright,
I'll go away.
The door I will never reversed syntax doesn't help the poem.
close
the flowers will keep
fragrance.
My children will have fallen asleep
the most deeply
covered and caressed
and somebody will cant to them again
a cradle song.
It will be light like in a temple
and clear like a voice
in mountains.
Then I'll leave
forgotten all the words…

A branch in the white snow.




translation from Bulgarian

[bogpan]

At some unnamed night,  [on some], because night isn't a place or object
and it will be bright,
I'll go away.
The door I will never reversed syntax doesn't help the poem.
close
the flowers will keep
fragrance.
My children will have fallen asleep
the most deeply
covered and caressed
and somebody will cant to them again
a cradle song.
It will be light like in a temple
and clear like a voice
in mountains.
Then I'll leave
forgotten all the words…

A branch in the white snow.




translation from Bulgarian

ON some unnamed night, 
and it will be bright, 
I'll go away.
The door  will never
close
the flowers will keep
fragrance.
My children will have fallen asleep
the most deeply
covered and caressed
and somebody will cant to them again
a cradle song.
It will be light like in a temple
and clear like a voice
in mountains.
Then I'll leave
forgotten all the words…

A branch in the white snow.

Ок? Hi Billy, it has been long time since we haven't "met". Thanks for your comment!

[oceanwanderer20]

This was really good, I enjoyed reading it! It has a rhythm that really works. I just have a few little edits.

At some unnamed night, (on some unnamed night)
and it will be bright,
I'll go away.
The door I will never
close
the flowers will keep
fragrance.
My children will have fallen asleep
the most deeply
covered and caressed
and somebody will cant to them again
a cradle song.
It will be light like in a temple
and clear like a voice
in mountains.
Then I'll leave,
forgotten all the words… (the words forgotten)

A branch in the white snow.