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Joined: Oct 2014
New to site, feedback welcome. Thanks for reading.
Sleep my love, sleep.
Rest your head upon my breast
and place yourself into my keep.
Then dream us on a mighty quest.
To a land where dragons exist.
Where we can run through mystical forests,
as we chase unicorns through the mist.
Then on pretty balloons will float, I promise.
As through the marshes we must flee.
Toward evil knights guarding the keep,
where the buried treasure is we seek.
Before escaping on the murmuring seas.
Sleep my love, sleep.
Close your eyes and spread your wings.
There no reason for you to weep,
for in your dreams you are king.
musicismylife78
Unregistered
Gypsyrose,
I love how this poem flows! The rhythm is very captivating to me. I particularly like the line "Then dream us on a mighty quest". Your word choice and structure of the line emphasizes the euphonious sounds.
There is only one line that I might edit: "Before escaping on the murmuring seas" almost disrupts the nature of the poem. Do you think there's any way you could reword that?
Besides that, though, I see nothing wrong with this work. I think it is a pretty, happy piece of poetry. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading your work in the future.
Posts: 489
Threads: 182
Joined: Jan 2013
(10-13-2014, 08:09 AM)gypsyrose Wrote: New to site, feedback welcome. Thanks for reading.
Sleep my love, sleep.
Rest your head upon my breast
and place yourself into my keep.
Then dream us on a mighty quest. The rhymes seem forced to me, word choices made entirely (or rather, mostly) to create a rhyme.
To a land where dragons exist. This isn't a complete sentence.
Where we can run through mystical forests,
as we chase unicorns through the mist. What does "through the mist" add to the poem except for the rhyme?
Then on pretty balloons will float, I promise. I think this line would be more natural like: "I promise we'll float on pretty balloons", but was changed to the way it is to create the half-rhyme.
As through the marshes we must flee.
Toward evil knights guarding the keep,
where the buried treasure is we seek.
Before escaping on the murmuring seas.
Sleep my love, sleep.
Close your eyes and spread your wings.
There no reason for you to weep,
for in your dreams you are king.
These were just my thoughts as I read the poem. I didn't write anything for the last two stanza's, as I'd just be treading over the same ground again (the same points I made in the first two stanzas fit the last two). I didn't really get anything from the poem, it wasn't really different from stuff I've read a million times before. To try and get away from the forced rhymes, I would try and write some poems with no rhyming at all in them.
Hopefully this is of some help to you,
WJ.
Posts: 6
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2014
Quote:Sleep my love, sleep.
Rest your head upon my breast
and place yourself into my keep.
Then dream us on a mighty quest. I agree with previous posters about the apparent forced rhyme in this stanza. Specifically, 'and place yourself into my keep' is confusing.
To a land where dragons exist.
Where we can run through mystical forests,
as we chase unicorns through the mist. This--and the previous line--is also a sentence fragment.
Then on pretty balloons will float, I promise. 'We'll' or 'will'?
As through the marshes we must flee. The syntax here is out of this world. There needs to be a focus on 'meaning with rhyme' instead of 'rhyme with meaning."
Toward evil knights guarding the keep,
where the buried treasure is we seek.
Before escaping on the murmuring seas.
Sleep my love, sleep.
Close your eyes and spread your wings.
There no reason for you to weep,
for in your dreams you are king.
The major issues for me are the forced rhyme, stretched syntax, and sentence fragments. There needs to be a focus on 'meaning with rhyme' instead of 'rhyme with meaning.' I believe if you switch your focus like this and think more about developing your themes and content THEN using poetic devices to make enhancements, you will achieve greater results.
Otherwise, I love sleeping and dreaming...especially about unicorns. But, the unicorns I dream about usually have guns and Austrian accents.
Zeno
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
be on guard for cliches which can weaken a poem.
intended cliche can work but there has to be a genuine reason to use them. the first three lines are a an extended cliche, the first line is the first, the 2nd line the 2nd and third line is the the 3rd. all point to the same thing.
i did point out a couple of points in the poem that could be looked at throughout the poem if you want to do an edit.
(10-13-2014, 08:09 AM)gypsyrose Wrote: New to site, feedback welcome. Thanks for reading.
Sleep my love, sleep.
Rest your head upon my breast
and place yourself into my keep.
Then dream us on a mighty quest.
To a land where dragons exist.
Where we can run through mystical forests, no need for [where]
as we chase unicorns through the mist.
Then on pretty balloons will float, I promise. watch out for inverted text
As through the marshes we must flee.
Toward evil knights guarding the keep,
where the buried treasure is we seek.
Before escaping on the murmuring seas.
Sleep my love, sleep.
Close your eyes and spread your wings.
There no reason for you to weep,
for in your dreams you are king.
Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Oct 2014
Thank you for reading my poem and your tips are greatly appreciated.
