Eyes

[chanchan77]

first edit
My friend always said eyes are so important
that soft eyes will make you feel warm and safe
but solid eyes will engulf you in the heat of love.
Your eyes were immensely blue and safe
I was convinced that your heart was on fire for mine
then I realized your heart was solid
just like your deceiving eyes

---

original:

Eyes

my friend always told me that eyes are so important
that soft eyes make you feel warm and safe but
the solid eyes will engulf you in the heat of love and
your eyes were so blue and so safe that
I was convinced that your heart was on fire for mine but
then I realized that your heart was cold and solid
just like your deceiving eyes

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Lol so I just registered on this site because I like writing and I don't really want to like tell anyone that I know or show them my writing but I do want feedback on it to know if its good or not or if if makes anyone feel anything.. so yeah i just kinda want feedback

[Brownlie]

my friend always told me that eyes are so important
that soft eyes make you feel warm and safe but
the solid eyes will engulf you in the heat of love and
your eyes were so blue and so safe that
I was convinced that your heart was on fire for mine but
then I realized that your heart was cold and solid
just like your deceiving eyes
-----------------------------------------------------------

Lol so I just registered on this site because I like writing and I don't really want to like tell anyone that I know or show them my writing but I do want feedback on it to know if its good or not or if if makes anyone feel anything.. so yeah i just kinda want feedback

So much for the study of physiognomy.

[simmon]

Hello chanchan77, the 2nd - 5th line are ending with "but", "and", "that". For me, that make the poem really stiff, and many words are repeated. You start with "my friend", but he/she is disappear afterward. Well... I am not very experienced with poetry yet, it is just my opinion. ^ ^"

[billy]

i'll reiterate to simon's reply and say that the conjunctions [and] or [or] and the ancillary verb [but] (which can also be a noun) are used at the start of a line as you want the end word of line to hold the reader. often such words cab be edited out or used on the next line. if you write a quote such as
eyes are so important
put it on it's own line inside quotation marks
"eyes are so important"
or in italics
eyes are so important
so it stands out from the rest of the narrative.

this is the 2nd poem of yours I've read and in general the main problem is excess words in the poem.
sometimes line length can change the style of a poem. do you want the reader to get through it quickly or stop and savior certain parts more than others.
thanks for the read.

my friend always told me that eyes are so important [said,] instead of [told me that]
that soft eyes make you feel warm and safe but
the solid eyes will engulf you in the heat of love and no need for the 1st [the] and a period instead of [and]
your eyes were so blue and so safe that what is [so blue] use a better word than [so] no need for the 2nd [so]
I was convinced that your heart was on fire for mine but no need for [that] and no need for [but]
then I realized that your heart was cold and solid a [cold heart] is cliche while heart that's solid isn't, suggestion would be to do away with [that] and[cold and]
just like your deceiving eyes this is a pretty big cliche (a phrase that's been used many times before) go for a more original phrase if you can
-----------------------------------------------------------

Lol so I just registered on this site because I like writing and I don't really want to like tell anyone that I know or show them my writing but I do want feedback on it to know if its good or not or if if makes anyone feel anything.. so yeah i just kinda want feedback

[chanchan77]

i'll reiterate to simon's reply and say that the conjunctions [and] or [or] and the ancillary verb [but] (which can also be a noun) are used at the start of a line as you want the end word of line to hold the reader. often such words cab be edited out or used on the next line. if you write a quote such as
eyes are so important
put it on it's own line inside quotation marks
"eyes are so important"
or in italics
eyes are so important
so it stands out from the rest of the narrative.

this is the 2nd poem of yours I've read and in general the main problem is excess words in the poem.
sometimes line length can change the style of a poem. do you want the reader to get through it quickly or stop and savior certain parts more than others.
thanks for the read.

my friend always told me that eyes are so important [said,] instead of [told me that]
that soft eyes make you feel warm and safe but
the solid eyes will engulf you in the heat of love and no need for the 1st [the] and a period instead of [and]
your eyes were so blue and so safe that what is [so blue] use a better word than [so] no need for the 2nd [so]
I was convinced that your heart was on fire for mine but no need for [that] and no need for [but]
then I realized that your heart was cold and solid a [cold heart] is cliche while heart that's solid isn't, suggestion would be to do away with [that] and[cold and]
just like your deceiving eyes this is a pretty big cliche (a phrase that's been used many times before) go for a more original phrase if you can
-----------------------------------------------------------

Lol so I just registered on this site because I like writing and I don't really want to like tell anyone that I know or show them my writing but I do want feedback on it to know if its good or not or if if makes anyone feel anything.. so yeah i just kinda want feedback

Okay so I have changed some stuff.. would be cool if you could check it out now.. all new and improved!

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
My friend always said eyes are so important
that soft eyes will make you feel warm and safe
but solid eyes will engulf you in the heat of love.
Your eyes were immensely blue and safe
I was convinced that your heart was on fire for mine
then I realized your heart was solid
just like your deceiving eyes
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Okay so I know there might be some cliches in there (like the last line) but idk I guess I kind of like a small amount of cliches. I get that they may be kind of burned out and unoriginal but sometimes if you go too overboard with really original words and phrases it may confuse some of the readers that may not be as creative and open as most poets. I'm saying this as my opinion because I am one of those people that has a smaller vocabulary than most of the people that write. Don't get me wrong originality is great and everyone has it. Original ideas are the best! Reading a poem that is very creative and original is like breathing in fresh air. I'm just saying that not everyone's mind reads things the same way as others and that simple is sometimes better for those like myself. That some originality with a hint of cliche might be easier to relate to and more appealing to some readers.

[billy]

the stuff you cut away makes for a stronger poem, there are still places where the poem could be tightened up with more of the same.

the cliche thing. sometimes cliches can add to a poem, in general they really don't. the newb reader or writer of poetry will often think as you do, sometimes what seems a good idea will be something to laugh about as you get more into poetry. a good original phrase is much better than a cliched phrase to any reader. it's all about moving the reader with the right words, it isn't about pleasing the reader so much. if you want to write poetry for people with low IQ's who can't understand a good original phrase then fine, but ask yourself this, are you more amazed when things you already know about happen or when new and wondrous thing happen. a cliche now and then will work but it has to used for a better reason that "myabe my readers are too simple to understand something if it's original. here's another point, if what you say is true the why not remove the solid heart line, surely they won't understand that you speak of a heart of stone? if a cliche enhances a poem, use it; if a cliche is used to help the reader, then you do both you and the reader a disservice. a cliche has nothing to do with vocabulary, it's about how and what words we string together. some nursery rhymes are prime examples of original poetry and they don't use uncommon words.

so far you've done a good edit, it will probably take a couple more in order to make the poem stand.

---

Okay so I know there might be some cliches in there (like the last line) but idk I guess I kind of like a small amount of cliches. I get that they may be kind of burned out and unoriginal but sometimes if you go too overboard with really original words and phrases it may confuse some of the readers that may not be as creative and open as most poets. I'm saying this as my opinion because I am one of those people that has a smaller vocabulary than most of the people that write. Don't get me wrong originality is great and everyone has it. Original ideas are the best! Reading a poem that is very creative and original is like breathing in fresh air. I'm just saying that not everyone's mind reads things the same way as others and that simple is sometimes better for those like myself. That some originality with a hint of cliche might be easier to relate to and more appealing to some readers.