insanity

[chanchan77]

don't you dare
contaminate me with your filthy thoughts and
kill me with your unspoken words or
tease me with your deceiving fingers and
watch me with your judgmental eyes or
inhale me with your thick breath and
smother me with your swollen lips but most of all
don't you fucking dare
call me crazy
when you are the one causing my insanity
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Ok so yeah will someone please give me feedback it would mean the world..

[Tamara]

it reads more like a rant to me. i don't know if i am allowed to , but i tried rewriting it removing the redundant words. maybe something on these lines that will make it less cliched and concise :

You contaminate me with filthy thoughts
kill me with unspoken words
tease me with  deceiving fingers  
watch me with  judgmental eyes
inhale me with  thick breath and
smother me with  swollen lips.
Most of all you call me crazy
when you are the one causing my insanity.

thank you for indulging me. i like the thought that has gone into it. i am not sure about punctuation or upper cases because i rarely use them in my writing. but i tried using them here but you can use it or lose it. it's your poem finally.

[billy]

first off, thanks for giving feedback in the other forums.
no need to ask for feedback, it's what the sites here for.
overall i think you could trim the poem by removing some excess word use. i'll bold out the ones that feel like they're not needed.a great effort. i wasn't expecting the twist at the end and the expletive works well enough to keep. it accentuates the understated anger of the previous lines. thanks for the read and welcome to the site.

don't you dare
contaminate me with your filthy thoughts and would and be better at the start of the next line?
kill me with your unspoken words or i like the or at the end of this line, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't, this one does.
tease me with your deceiving fingers and [try a period ]instead of [and] and see what you think
watch me with your judgmental eyes or
inhale me with your thick breath and
smother me with your swollen lips but most of all a suggestion would be a comma instead of but
don't you fucking dare okay, i wasn't expecting this. it turns the poem round on it's arse in a good way.
call me crazy what do think of ending the poem here
when you are the one causing my insanity this line feels a bit forced and takes away some of the power of the line above it.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Ok so yeah will someone please give me feedback it would mean the world..

[chanchan77]

first off, thanks for giving feedback in the other forums. :J:
no need to ask for feedback, it's what the sites here for.  

overall i think you could trim the poem by removing some excess word use. i'll bold out the ones that feel like they're not needed.a great effort. i wasn't expecting the twist at the end and the expletive works well enough to keep. it accentuates the understated anger of the previous lines. thanks for the read and welcome to the site.

don't you dare
contaminate me with your filthy thoughts and would and be better at the start of the next line?
kill me with your unspoken words or i like the or at the end of this line, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't, this one does.
tease me with your deceiving fingers and [try a period ]instead of [and] and see what you think
watch me with your judgmental eyes or
inhale me with your thick breath and
smother me with your swollen lips but most of all a suggestion would be a comma instead of but
don't you fucking dare okay, i wasn't expecting this. it turns the poem round on it's arse in a good way.
call me crazy what do think of ending the poem here
when you are the one causing my insanity this line feels a bit forced and takes away some of the power of the line above it.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Ok so yeah will someone please give me feedback it would mean the world..

Also improved this one..

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
don't you dare
contaminate me with filthy thoughts
and kill me with piercing words
tease me with deceiving fingers or
watch me with judgmental eyes
inhale me with thick breath
and smother me with swollen lips, most of all
don't you fucking dare
call me crazy
when you are the one causing my insanity
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

[billy]

a lot better for this reader. a good way to edit is post the edit above the original poem using the words original and edit to show which is which. it allows the reader to easier see the changes.

would
most of all
work better on it's own line which would do away with the need for the comma?
another suggestion would be to
shorten the last line to:
when you cause my insanity

a good edit so far, the poem works much better with just the three you's

[cidermaid]

Hi you might lik to re-post this at th top of your post with th original poem, I nearly missed the edit you had posted.
I would like a bit of puctuation to help me with the read.  It is not essential but I would prefer it.   (I've added some in bold for your considration).

Don't you dare
contaminate me with filthy thoughts,
and kill me with piercing words,    not sure you need the and.
tease me with deceiving fingers, or
watch me with judgmental eyes,
inhale me with thick breath
and  or smother me with swollen lips. 
Most of all,   Think you could have most of all on seperate line.
don't you fucking dare
call me crazy
when you are the one causing my insanity.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

I love the intensity of the rant quality in this one.  I think that the way the lines run on reinforces th motion of the read.
Hope the suggstions help...but remember it is always your poem.
Thanks for sharing AJ.


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