A summer's night (first draft)

[zahrakh]

A summer's night
Falling swiftly, like silk sheets
From the statue of time
Beneath its majestic sky
In the pasture of memories, I rejoice
The warmth and scent of grass
Lift my spirit
It begins to dance
With the swirls of nostalgia
Who call the distant stars to join.

(Any good? cliches?)

[rowens]

A summer's night
Falling swiftly, like silk sheets
From the statue of time
Beneath its majestic sky
In the pasture of memories, I rejoice


The night is falling. And In the pasture of memories, I rejoice is a sentence on its own?



The warmth and scent of grass 
Lift my spirit
It begins to dance
With the swirls of nostalgia
Who call the distant stars to join.


The warmth and scent and nostalgia would weigh me to the earth, but I'm not there. 

[zahrakh]

Thank you rowens

[billy]

ideally you should give something more solid with words like nostalgia, spirit, memories. connect them/it to something solid. not a bad write but it can be improved upon.


A summer's night cliche
Falling swiftly, like silk sheets silk is synonymous with glides which isn't akin to swift a stone falling would suit falling swiftly as a synonym, a would many other things (but not lead)
From the statue of time if you're going to cap every letter a period here would help i do like the image of time you gave
Beneath its majestic sky
In the pasture of memories, I rejoice
The warmth and scent of grass i always thought of grass as cool
Lift my spirit
It begins to dance how, does it do the tango, or perhaps a waltz?
With the swirls of nostalgia nostalgia about what?
Who call the distant stars to join.no need for [the]

(Any good? cliches?)

[zahrakh]

Thanks a lot billy. Warmth was associated with the weather (summer) not grass. But I am glad you pointed out all these things

[Erthona]

"Lift my spirit" is fairly overused.

"like silk sheets
From the statue of time"  I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. What "statue of time" are you referring to.

"A summer's night
Falling swiftly"

I think should be "falls".


"Beneath its majestic sky"  Whose "majestic sky?"

Who or what is "It" in "It begins to dance"

Do you mean "my spirit begins to dance"?

How does anything dance "With the swirls of nostalgia". And what exactly is/are the " swirls of nostalgia". As nostalgia is an emotion, how can it swirl?

"Who call the distant stars to join." "Who" is who?

Dale

[Mwaba don]

Good Tile for a nice poem.
There is a nice flow to your poem.
The metaphors and smooths edges made it a good read.
However, I got the in between meanings of your writing but some line had missing words. (like silk sheets? did you mean like falling silk sheets or sheets being blown by the wind or something?
The word Nostalgia did not fit into the poem for me.
 I could point out a cliche but hey what can i say. Nice poem.

[zahrakh]

thank you Mwaba and erthona

[Tamara]

A summer's night
Falling swiftly, like silk sheets
From the statue of time
Beneath its majestic sky
In the pasture of memories, I rejoice
The warmth and scent of grass
Lift my spirit
It begins to dance
With the swirls of nostalgia
Who call the distant stars to join.

(Any good? cliches?)

The imagery is good. You have tried to capture the beauty around you. But I find it too cliched and there is nothing new in the words to turn on the reader. You should always leave something for the readers to interpret than giving it all to them.

[Lysander Gray]

A summer's night < although cliche, it sets the scene and is direct. Which is good.
Falling swiftly, like silk sheets swiftly/silk sheets nice sounds here
From the statue of time
Beneath its majestic sky "." full stop here. Who's majestic sky? If this is meant to be a spiritual reference or metaphor then perhaps add a line and revisit the concept to further cement it.

In the pasture of memories, I rejoice New stanza
The warmth and scent of grass swap scent and warmth around, or alternatively drop the 'and' it condenses the image into something tactile
Lift my spirit < "Lifts" also add a comma at the end here
It begins to dance
With the swirls of nostalgia
Who call the distant stars to join. Replace ''who'' with ''that'' I like the imagery and metaphor here, but where does the nostalgia come from? Time does not exist to stars and astral bodies, you need to personalise them for it to work

All in all I really enjoyed this piece, the imagery and sounds evoked show much promise. Don't be afraid of cliche's if you can use them properly, but if you are just beginning try to steer clear of them. Cliche's and stereotypes can be powerful, but theres a fine line between self awareness and proper use within coloquialism etc. and it falling to pieces.

I hope this helped!

[tectak]

A summer's night This cliche, surely, is the title and not the first line?
Falling swiftly, like silk sheets
From the statue of time Punctuate. Punctuate. Punctuate. Stop the line start capitalising unless you are a centenarian. One comma, four lines and four capital letter do not make this read well
Beneath its majestic sky Change majestic unless you are a teenager when everything bigger than a quarter pounder is majestic
In the pasture of memories, I rejoice
The warmth and scent of grass How does one rejoice the warmth? Is it like romancing the stone? Punctuate to clarity
Lift my spirit
It begins to dance What is "it"? You do not say
With the swirls of nostalgia
Who call the distant stars to join. Who is who?You do not say

(Any good? cliches?)

A nice try but I am unsure of where it came from or where it went to or what it was.
The whole thing is wishy-washy-wordy and probably the result of slipping the muse a mickey. Tidy it up then give it a backbone so that it can stand on its own meretricious feet. As it is, the central metaphor is a soft lump of jelly.
Good to see you posting. Pursue this.
Best,
tectak

[oceanwanderer20]

The first line is a cliche but I think it works in this poem. It's a really well written and beautiful poem. My only suggestion is to change the line "it begins to dance" to something more poetic. Does it dance like something? does it dance with a particular style? Very good poem though!