Fever under Radio

[bwasroy]

Hopefully, some of you folks remember this one. 


Fever under Radio – 5th Draft

She lies on the floor
listening to The Kinks
sing You Really Got Me,
cat curled besides her.

She lingers, shivering,
until the stars
come out to dance.

This whole town
might burn down tonight
as she dreams of nothing,
clutching the pillow.

Maybe she’ll walk into the river,
pockets filled with stones,
or grow overnight to an old woman
before a single TV dinner.

A ghost.
Maybe she is one already.

[Tamara]

Hopefully, some of you folks remember this one. 


Fever under Radio – 5th Draft

She lies on the floor (the first strophe is visual, it pulled me right in there)
listening to The Kinks
sing You Really Got Me,
cat curled besides her.

She lingers, shivering,
until the stars
come out to dance.

This whole town
might burn down tonight
as she dreams of nothing,
clutching the pillow.

Maybe she’ll walk into the river,
pockets filled with stones,
or grow overnight to an old woman
before a single TV dinner. (i didn't get this line)

A ghost.  (I would use these two for the title and close it off with the previous strophe, these two lines make the ending weak)
Maybe she is one already.

That said, I enjoyed the poem. The writing is neat and elegant.

[rowens]

She lies on the floor
listening to The Kinks
sing You Really Got Me,
cat curled besides her.

Is it all right to make it beside her? Or is it besides her?

She lingers, shivering,
until the stars
come out to dance.

The stanza above is the weakest. 


This whole town
might burn down tonight
as she dreams of nothing,
clutching the pillow.

This one could be stronger some way too. The last two lines. 


Maybe she’ll walk into the river,
pockets filled with stones,
or grow overnight to an old woman
before a single TV dinner.

A ghost.
Maybe she is one already.

The rest is O.K.  . . . 'before' or 'in front of' or something else. 'with', even. Maybe just keep 'before', like it is. 

[Todd]

Hello bwasroy,

Let me give you some comments below to consider. I don't recall the earlier revisions so I'll only be addressing the current version.

Hopefully, some of you folks remember this one. 


Fever under Radio – 5th Draft

She lies on the floor
listening to The Kinks
sing You Really Got Me,
cat curled besides her.--It seems like you actually want beside instead of besides here.

She lingers, shivering,--I like the assonance in your i sounds through this point. The sonics in general are one of the more pleasing aspects of the work.
until the stars
come out to dance.--While the image of the stars dancing isn't bad, I wonder how the "She" in the poem can be aware of them as she lies on the floor. The observation comes across as an omnipresent narrator.

This whole town
might burn down tonight
as she dreams of nothing,--again pleasing sonics (the t and d consonants and the o sounds) and I like the phrasing of "dreams of nothing"
clutching the pillow.

Maybe she’ll walk into the river,
pockets filled with stones,
or grow overnight to an old woman
before a single TV dinner.--These are solid images and this is perhaps the strongest strophe from a content perspective. It reminds me in a way of Plath's Mirror. You've already introduced the cat so the single TV dinner plays into the view of growing old alone.

A ghost.
Maybe she is one already.--For my tastes (and that's what it is) the poem really comes into its own with these last two strophes. While the sonics are good earlier from a content perspective I wonder if there's a way you can raise everything to the level of the ending. Just a thought. The ending just seems much stronger to me than the opening.


I hope some of this helps.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

Tamara and Rowens,





I'm going to put on my admin hat for a second. In the Serious Forum please try to expand your comments somewhat. This does not mean necessarily giving a line by line critique, or writing in great detail it just means giving more explanation and depth. The aim is to help the writer improve so please push yourselves harder to give more detail so that they can accomplish that improvement. It's always possible that they may or may not agree with you, but I would encourage both to make the effort to push yourselves. Your critiques as they stand now would be what I would expect to see in the Mild Forum.



Don't take this as a reprimand just a prod to push yourselves harder.



Todd/admin

[brandontoh]

Hopefully, some of you folks remember this one. 


Fever under Radio – 5th Draft

She lies on the floor
listening to The Kinks
sing You Really Got Me,  
cat curled besides her. -- beside, not besides, right? This stanza sets the atmosphere very nicely.

She lingers, shivering,
until the stars
come out to dance. -- So... the narrator is lying outdoors in the field? The image changed from one of almost zen-like mood indoors to an uncomfortable and slightly damp outdoors. While the 2 stanzas read nicely with a smooth flow, the image are contradictory. Either that or I'm over thinking things.

This whole town
might burn down tonight
as she dreams of nothing,
clutching the pillow. -- I would rearrange the last 2 lines to 'as she clutches the pillow/with dreams of nothing' or something of similar ilk. The syntax currently reads a little awkward in my opinion. The stanza reads beautifully though, and while it borders on cliche, it never really crosses the line. Oh, and now we're indoors again.

Maybe she’ll walk into the river,
pockets filled with stones,
or grow overnight to an old woman
before a single TV dinner. -- This is a very good stanza that shows a lot about the poem with rich imagery. The weakest line would be the third one, which I think can be further strengthened. Maybe you can try evoking a feeling of decay and declining strength or relevance?

A ghost.
Maybe she is one already. -- I don't really like these last 2 lines. In my opinion ending on the previous stanza is stronger.

[crow]

Todd--great line-by-line! I'm slowly and slowly learning to be incisive like you are here. Really humbling. I'd add two things. First, "down" in S3 really weakens the image. Second, I still have serious concerns over "might" I'm that same stanza. "May" or "could" or even "will" seem much more powerful, and "might" seems inaccurate. Specifically, "might" suggests a possible future, but I think you want a verb that threatens that future.

Here's a quick proofread:

Hopefully, some of you folks remember this one.


Fever under Radio – 5th Draft

She lies on the floor[,]
listening to The Kinks
sing You Really Got Me, [original itals should prolly be quotes, unless this references a whole album.]
cat curled [beside] her.

She lingers, shivering,
until the stars
come out to dance.

This whole town
might burn down tonight
as she dreams of nothing,
clutching the pillow.

Maybe she’ll walk into the river,
pockets filled with stones[no comma]
or grow overnight [in]to an old woman
before a single TV dinner ["before" is awkward here].

A ghost.
Maybe she is one already.