she is like a ripe apple

[BenjaminShaw]

Hi, here's a poem I wrote today.

She is like a ripe apple hanging from the bough,
Surreptitiously concealed within the orchard and
Undiscovered. Preliminary notions hold dying fruit,
When bees, coruscating in the summer sun,
Diverge around her, singing their alluring tune
Whose wondrous sound denies the chapel’s prayers,
Lofty and full of passionate weight,
Breathing non-mystery and sense.
The chapel is down the road;
Old and lost, covered in ivy, crumbling walls.
She listens to the praying of the bees.
She dreams of opening a star.

[Erthona]

Ben,

Do your reader's a favor and cap only the lines that are the start of a sentence.

"She is like a ripe apple hanging from the bough" although not technically a cliche, certainly the idea of it is. "A blushing rose, ready to be plucked." four or five hundred years ago you could get away with such ideas as girls were married off when they were thirteen. I'm wondering if you really thought about what exactly you were saying? As we do not think of 13 years old girls today as woman, it goes from pastoral to child molestation very quickly.

I'm not a big fan of enjambment and this usage does nothing to make me one. I can hear the drum roll before  "Undiscovered", and the ta-dah crash afterwards.  This usage seems more than dramatic, much more like melodramatic.  

"Preliminary notions hold dying fruit" could you explain what this is supposed to mean? What "Preliminary notions" are you talking about?

"Diverge around her, singing their alluring tune" Bees buzz, they do not sing, and there is nothing in their sound that is alluring, unless you are a bee keeper.

" Preliminary notions hold dying fruit, when bees, coruscating in the summer sun, diverge around her, singing their alluring tune whose wondrous sound denies the chapel’s prayers, lofty and full of passionate weight,breathing non-mystery and sense."

That is one sentence, if you want to call it such, and probably has a small problem with too many commas.

"the chapel’s prayers"

The chapel does not pray. People pray. Personification can not be flung out there willy nilly. You can get away with "the tree is weeping" as there are trees that look like they are weeping. There must be a connection that already exists to some degree with human behavior, or you have to build it up. One cannot just say, "my door was lying to me". You can say, "the door resisted me as I stabbed the lock with the key." Doors do this all the time. As the weather changes the wood swells, causing the frame to get out of square, and so it pinches down on the door making it difficult to open or close. So it is easy to assign a door the human characteristic of resistance.    

"lofty and full of passionate weight" Is this referring to the bees or the chapel?

"breathing non-mystery and sense"  I am at a complete loss.

"She listens to the praying of the bees." See above note on personification.

I don't really see much positive about this poem, except the lines move fairly well. It seems imitative of 16th century poetry:

"Come live with me and be my love" Christopher Marlowe

"Come live with me and be my love,

And we will all the pleasures prove

That valleys, groves, hills, and fields,

Woods or steepy mountain yields."



I guess we all have to go through this stage. It is probably no worst or better than most people's first few efforts. Love poetry is incredibly difficult and probably best avoided along with religious poetry. I would suggest you think more about what your lines are saying. Don't just throw a line on the page because it sounds good.

Welcome to the site.

Dale  

[BenjaminShaw]

Hi Dale,

First, thanks for the feedback. I didn't intend the poem to be a love poem actually or a religious poem. It's riddled it with contradictions. The first line has a sort of cheesy love poem sort of ring to it but then is countered by a second line stating that she's just another apple in the orchard. I do agree with you that the undiscovered part is melodramatic. But the bees singing is also somewhat of a contradiction. Normally when we think of bees we think of gross buzzing bugs... we think of getting stung. This part may be a little rip off of Hart Crane, "Bees of Paradise." I chose most of the lines deliberately. I didn't just want to make it sound nice. It's more of a character study than anything else but obviously I failed miserably.

[billy]

hi Ben.
the first line is a simile, sometimes it can be expressed without [like] in which it becomes an out and out metaphor.
She is a ripe apple hanging from the bough

watch out for baggage, (to much wordiness, usually the smaller words in a line.)

i can see you enjoy poetry very much. and that's a great thing to have, try not to let the poetry control you, you must always be in command of it. say what you wish but mold it into something the reader can see. (unless of course it's a personal one for the wife etc) the first line starts off well and they it hits the poetry, i think poetry like rhyme should be heard but not noticed. you have to make it seem like it's not poetic which in turn will allow to be poetic. an explanation is a good set of casual cloths or a pimps suit, that latter is too much in ones face (though at times it may be needed) i'd cut much of the poem away in order to leave a few apples on the branch and then restock it with some stronger leaves.

Hi, here's a poem I wrote today.

She is like a ripe apple hanging from the bough,
Surreptitiously concealed within the orchard and is and needed?
Undiscovered. Preliminary notions hold dying fruit, what does this line actually say? how can it be undiscovered if they're already preliminary notions?
When bees, coruscating in the summer sun,
Diverge around her, singing their alluring tune bee's tend not to sing, try and be precise
Whose wondrous sound denies the chapel’s prayers,
Lofty and full of passionate weight,
Breathing non-mystery and sense.
The chapel is down the road;
Old and lost, covered in ivy, crumbling walls.
She listens to the praying of the bees.
She dreams of opening a star.

[bena]

Hello there. Going to do a quick crit and haven't read the others' responses so forgive me if I repeat.
The title is kinda mundane, and I wish it summed up the poem to give readers a bit of a clue. Let's jump in--
She is like a ripe apple hanging from the bough,
<>


Surreptitiously concealed

<< Thinking all this sentence could be condensed. Surreptitious/concealed/undiscovered are all very similar words. >>

within the orchard and
Undiscovered. Preliminary notions hold dying fruit,

<>

When bees, coruscating <>
in the summer sun, <>

Diverge around her, singing their alluring tune
<>

Whose wondrous sound denies

<>

Lofty and full of passionate weight,

<>

The chapel is down the road;
<>

Old and lost, covered in ivy, crumbling walls.
She listens to the praying of the bees. <>
She dreams of opening a star.

This last line is stellar (snort) due to all the layers of meanings. Could mean opening on stage as a singer/star. Could mean when you slice an apple (and that's the 'she' throughout the poem) sometimes you get that awesome five-pointed seed star.

My favorite has to be the actual space star, wow, wouldn't the thought of opening one of those be astronomical.

I know overall I've been pretty harsh on you, but the truth is, you have promise or why bother. And this is Serious Workshopping, that's why we are allowed whips with barbs on them.

I really dig the religious undertones (prayer, forbidden apple, and even sex---yes, fruit formation is still sexual.

It just needs lots of work on clarity.

I would also suggest not capping every line...yeah it's a matter of opinion, but it is truly archaic---When printers were first invented, this was the signal from the poet to printer to drop down a line.

Welcome aboard. Remember all things above are rantings of a lunatic, to be taken with a grain of salt.




mel/bena
poetry dominatrix extraordinaire