Emer

[Mwaba don]

In the coldness of the night 
When for a moment the comfort of shelter could not hold me 
I found myself in a lonely phase sitting under a tree on a tree trunk 
In the awareness of time passing 
I realize the nature of the moment I have abided in 
  
It is a cold night just before dawn 
The mist from the woody and leafy covered ground is slightly wetting my shoes 
The wind blows softly but cold, the air from my breath condenses right before my eyes 
I seem to phase in and out of the awareness to the sounds around me 
Then for a moment an inner warmth hits me 
And thoughts of Emer begin to occur 
  
In my different actions of earning a life, my yearn for Emer edges me 
In my different ways of enjoying life, I yearn for Emer’s presence 
I have always had that special yearn for Emer 
Even when days get harder and I feel the edge to be alone, I still yearn for Emer’s presence
  
In the moment I wondered if I see her clearly 
That is, seeing her clearly for what she really is 
I wondered, does she need to be protectively dignified or 
She just loves to be happy 
I wondered, had she become what she wanted to be or I turned her into a victim 
In the moment, I wondered if I see her clearly for who she really is 
For once maybe I will have to cheer her strengths then will I see clearly that she is happy 
  
  
  
Powerful and strong in my skims 
Even more powerful is she in her refinery spaces 
Powerful and proud in being the man 
Even more powerful is she in her beauty and tenderness 
I am joyful in my gentleness but 
Even more joyful Emer makes me in her graces. 
  
And for each moment, I yearn for Emer for we both abide in Love.

[rowens]

It sounds like a translation from another language. Like a very literal translation.

[tectak]

It sounds like a translation from another language. Like a very literal translation.

Here is a reverse translation "Zulu/English". Interesting comment from rowens and I agree it has a certain purity...the kind that loses little in translation.

In the ignore night
When a little comfort and shelter can not hold
I found a lonely phase was sitting under a tree on a tree trunk
In the notice the time passing
I'm kind of at the moment I have abided in

It is a cold night daybreak
The mist from the ground woody and leafy covered wetting my shoes
The spirit of the pulse but cold, the air from my breath condenses right in front of my eyes
I can not seem to phase in and out of awareness of the sounds around me
At no inner warmth hits me
And Amer thoughts start to

Different from my actions are leading health, my yearn Amer acknowledges me
My different ways of enjoying life, and I eagerly await Amer's
I have had the special yearn Amer
Even when the days get harder and feel the edge to be alone, I still long before Amer's

In the moment I saw her clearly
That is, he saw her clearly for what really
I wondered, would need to be protected with dignity or
He just want to be happy
I wondered, had to be what she wanted to be his or turned into a victim
In the moment, I see clearly for who he really is
And perhaps I will be happy his qualities will clearly see that she is happy



Strong and powerful Skimming my
Even more powerful is he in refining his posts
Strong and proud man
Even more powerful is he and his goodness and tenderness
I am glad my virtue, but
Amer Even more exciting makes me put the

....I won't go on but would like to know if the original IS a translation before commenting on the syntax/grammar.
Best,
tectak

[Mwaba don]

It sounds like a translation from another language. Like a very literal translation.

Here is a reverse translation "Zulu/English". Interesting comment from rowens and I agree it has a certain purity...the kind that loses little in translation.

In the ignore night
When a little comfort and shelter can not hold
I found a lonely phase was sitting under a tree on a tree trunk
In the notice the time passing
I'm kind of at the moment I have abided in
 
It is a cold night daybreak
The mist from the ground woody and leafy covered wetting my shoes
The spirit of the pulse but cold, the air from my breath condenses right in front of my eyes
I can not seem to phase in and out of awareness of the sounds around me
At no inner warmth hits me
And Amer thoughts start to
 
Different from my actions are leading health, my yearn Amer acknowledges me
My different ways of enjoying life, and I eagerly await Amer's
I have had the special yearn Amer
Even when the days get harder and feel the edge to be alone, I still long before Amer's
 
In the moment I saw her clearly
That is, he saw her clearly for what really
I wondered, would need to be protected with dignity or
He just want to be happy
I wondered, had to be what she wanted to be his or turned into a victim
In the moment, I see clearly for who he really is
And perhaps I will be happy his qualities will clearly see that she is happy
 
 
 
Strong and powerful Skimming my
Even more powerful is he in refining his posts
Strong and proud man
Even more powerful is he and his goodness and tenderness
I am glad my virtue, but
Amer Even more exciting makes me put the

....I won't go on but would like to know if the original IS a translation before commenting on the syntax/grammar.
Best,
tectak

The Poem was written from the heart. It is not a translation of any sort. It pleases and amazes me that you consider it that way. That is a compliment to me. Please any comments are welcome. thank you.

[ellajam]

Hi, Mwaba don, I found this interesting in its forthrightness and the issues it examines. It holds it's mood well. The poem goes back and forth from past to present tense. If this is intentional, it's not something I mind. If it's not intentional and you'd like help to make the tense congruent throughout, just say so.

Although I know someone named Emer I had never asked about the history of her name, so I thank you for making me google and learn about the Irish myth of Emer.

Here are a few notes.

In the coldness of the night 
When for a moment the comfort of shelter could not hold me 
I found myself in a lonely phase sitting under a tree on a tree trunk I'd go with under a tree or on a tree trunk, not both.
In the awareness of time passing 
I realize the nature of the moment I have abided in 
  
It is a cold night just before dawn 
The mist from the woody and leafy covered ground is slightly wetting my shoes You could choose woody or leafy, I'd go for leafy. You could consider losing "slightly", or using "dampening" or "dampens" in place of "is slightly wetting".
The wind blows softly but cold, the air from my breath condenses right before my eyes You might cut "the air from".
I seem to phase in and out of the awareness to the sounds around me Consider cutting "the" and changing "to" to "of".
Then for a moment an inner warmth hits me 
And thoughts of Emer begin to occur 
  
In my different actions of earning a life, my yearn for Emer edges me 
In my different ways of enjoying life, I yearn for Emer’s presence 
I have always had that special yearn for Emer 
Even when days get harder and I feel the edge to be alone, I still yearn for Emer’s presence
  
In the moment I wondered if I see her clearly 
That is, seeing her clearly for what she really is 
I wondered, does she need to be protectively dignified or 
She just loves to be happy 
I wondered, had she become what she wanted to be or I turned her into a victim 
In the moment, I wondered if I see her clearly for who she really is 
For once maybe I will have to cheer her strengths then will I see clearly that she is happy 
  
  
  
Powerful and strong in my skims 
Even more powerful is she in her refinery spaces 
Powerful and proud in being the man 
Even more powerful is she in her beauty and tenderness 
I am joyful in my gentleness but 
Even more joyful Emer makes me in her graces. 
  
And for each moment, I yearn for Emer for we both abide in Love.

You've used commas but left out periods at the ends of sentences, you should add them throughout.

If this is the degree of critique you are looking for let me know and I'll go further.

You can add punctuation by hitting the edit button on your post, then "save changes" or "update post". If you decide to make changes in the poem, the preferred way is to label your original and then post the edit above it so that readers see the current version first. But no need to rush to edit, see what others have to say.

Welcome to the site.  

Also, if you don't post your poem in Bold it allows the comments to be in Bold.

[tectak]

It sounds like a translation from another language. Like a very literal translation.

Here is a reverse translation "Zulu/English". Interesting comment from rowens and I agree it has a certain purity...the kind that loses little in translation.

In the ignore night
When a little comfort and shelter can not hold
I found a lonely phase was sitting under a tree on a tree trunk
In the notice the time passing
I'm kind of at the moment I have abided in
 
It is a cold night daybreak
The mist from the ground woody and leafy covered wetting my shoes
The spirit of the pulse but cold, the air from my breath condenses right in front of my eyes
I can not seem to phase in and out of awareness of the sounds around me
At no inner warmth hits me
And Amer thoughts start to
 
Different from my actions are leading health, my yearn Amer acknowledges me
My different ways of enjoying life, and I eagerly await Amer's
I have had the special yearn Amer
Even when the days get harder and feel the edge to be alone, I still long before Amer's
 
In the moment I saw her clearly
That is, he saw her clearly for what really
I wondered, would need to be protected with dignity or
He just want to be happy
I wondered, had to be what she wanted to be his or turned into a victim
In the moment, I see clearly for who he really is
And perhaps I will be happy his qualities will clearly see that she is happy
 
 
 
Strong and powerful Skimming my
Even more powerful is he in refining his posts
Strong and proud man
Even more powerful is he and his goodness and tenderness
I am glad my virtue, but
Amer Even more exciting makes me put the

....I won't go on but would like to know if the original IS a translation before commenting on the syntax/grammar.
Best,
tectak

The Poem was written from the heart. It is not a translation of any sort. It pleases and amazes me that you consider it that way. That is a compliment to me. Please any comments are welcome. thank you.

...please take the compliment....it stretches a long way. Not as far as punctuation goes or dodgy word use but that is for another time. I read ella's comments. You are in safe hands.
Best,
tectak

[Mwaba don]

Hi, Mwaba don, I found this interesting in its forthrightness and the issues it examines. It holds it's mood well. The poem goes back and forth from past to present tense. If this is intentional, it's not something I mind. If it's not intentional and you'd like help to make the tense congruent throughout, just say so.

Although I know someone named Emer I had never asked about the history of her name, so I thank you for making me google and learn about the Irish myth of Emer.

Here are a few notes.

In the coldness of the night 
When for a moment the comfort of shelter could not hold me 
I found myself in a lonely phase sitting under a tree on a tree trunk I'd go with under a tree or on a tree trunk, not both.
In the awareness of time passing 
I realize the nature of the moment I have abided in 
  
It is a cold night just before dawn 
The mist from the woody and leafy covered ground is slightly wetting my shoes You could choose woody or leafy, I'd go for leafy. You could consider losing "slightly", or using "dampening" or "dampens" in place of "is slightly wetting".
The wind blows softly but cold, the air from my breath condenses right before my eyes You might cut "the air from".
I seem to phase in and out of the awareness to the sounds around me Consider cutting "the" and changing "to" to "of".
Then for a moment an inner warmth hits me 
And thoughts of Emer begin to occur 
  
In my different actions of earning a life, my yearn for Emer edges me 
In my different ways of enjoying life, I yearn for Emer’s presence 
I have always had that special yearn for Emer 
Even when days get harder and I feel the edge to be alone, I still yearn for Emer’s presence
  
In the moment I wondered if I see her clearly 
That is, seeing her clearly for what she really is 
I wondered, does she need to be protectively dignified or 
She just loves to be happy 
I wondered, had she become what she wanted to be or I turned her into a victim 
In the moment, I wondered if I see her clearly for who she really is 
For once maybe I will have to cheer her strengths then will I see clearly that she is happy 
  
  
  
Powerful and strong in my skims 
Even more powerful is she in her refinery spaces 
Powerful and proud in being the man 
Even more powerful is she in her beauty and tenderness 
I am joyful in my gentleness but 
Even more joyful Emer makes me in her graces. 
  
And for each moment, I yearn for Emer for we both abide in Love.

You've used commas but left out periods at the ends of sentences, you should add them throughout.

If this is the degree of critique you are looking for let me know and I'll go further.

You can add punctuation by hitting the edit button on your post, then "save changes" or "update post". If you decide to make changes in the poem, the preferred way is to label your original and then post the edit above it so that readers see the current version first. But no need to rush to edit, see what others have to say.

Welcome to the site.  

Also, if you don't post your poem in Bold it allows the comments to be in Bold.

On the part where you said i should consider going with under a tree or on a tree trunk, not both. I thought of using both because i was actually sitting under the tree on a fallen branch. So i thought of painting a more realistic picture of adding both. But i will trying puting " sitting under a tree on a fallen branch"

[ellajam]

Although one might assume that a fallen branch is under a tree, IMO it is still an improvement over using tree twice. If you are drawing a picture, do you know what type of tree it is? That might be worth a try also.

Always remember that it is your poem and up to you to consider suggestions and toss back any you don't feel are right for your poem.