First Time Sharing

[LadyDay]

Hi everyone,

I only recently began writing poetry after a few aquaintances suggested I try exploring my creative side. I'm really enjoying it. I hope you all can give me whatever feedback you think might help me improve. I know well that there's good room for that. I appreciate it!

Here's one I wrote the other night about a boy (surprise!) that I thought was my romantic soul mate. Turns out he was, at the most significant, a different type of soul mate.

The spirit of his name
– A spontaneous creation –
Diffuses into my lungs as I inhale.
The pressure it creates swells and fills them
Expands to ache my ribs and shoulders
Travelling upwards with my exiting breath
As my chest heavily and slowly descends behind it
The yearning’s sigh fills my jaw, my teeth
Tightening, clenching, grinding
Then with effort, a slackening of attempted relaxation
Slowly breathing out and in, and out again
Purposefully this time
Trying to release the energy of him
The need to voice a name rests on a restrained tongue
As it struggles to adhere to conflicting demands
Say it, don’t say it
His name
A spirit caged within that whom it captivated
Attempting repeatedly to speak entire stories
Through a single enunciation
I’ve reasoned it’s meant to beckon him to me
Though he’s nowhere near enough to hear
The countless times I almost call his name

[rowens]

I like the thick muscularity of it. Do you feel unhappy with any parts of it, or you just don't know?

[LadyDay]

I like the thick muscularity of it. Do you feel unhappy with any parts of it, or you just don't know?

What do you mean when you say "thick muscularity"? Also, there are parts I'd like to work on....especially the first 5 lines. I thought of them last so I feel like they sound like add-ons.

[rowens]

It looks and feels thick, then there's what it's talking about. The heaving and throbbing and the mind aching. The body. The lungs and heart and mouth. So it's a good physical thing. Are you still working on those lines you don't like? You can look at them again and again until you decide they have to change, by then you might have something.