Abandoned Animism

[makeshift]

Myriads of sprites suck life
from the underbellies of moist deadfall
like farrows crowded beneath 
pink mother mounds.

The wind hears the pulse of wooden giants,
and passes the message a long
to leaves, and clouds, and glass
that peers past facades into the corners
of young children's rooms.
Soon teachers will whisper
the hearts out of dirt,
and grass, and children
will forget the wind's words.

A coon succumbs to duality,
but on the way up
his soul gets snagged on a plastic bag,
and his body sinks in to a sun
bleached beer can some one didn't think to throw away.

[Todd]

Hi makeshift, this one was interesting enough to draw me in. Some comments for you:

Myriads of sprites suck life
from the underbellies of moist deadfall
like farrows crowded beneath 
pink mother mounds.

Myriads of didn't feel like a strong lead in to me. While I like some of the phrasing you have I think the poem could potentially lose all of S1. S2 L1 feels like a more evocative opening.

The wind hears the pulse of wooden giants,
and passes the message a long-- typo: along but I would cut the word actually
to leaves, and clouds, and glass
that peers past facades into the corners--consider cutting past facades. It feels like it weighs the line down without adding much.
of young children's rooms.--normally I like to slice most redundancies, but I like young here.
Soon teachers will whisper
the hearts out of dirt,
and grass, and children
will forget the wind's words.--best 4 lines in the poem. It is a poem within the poem and in my opinion could stand alone.

A coon succumbs to duality,
but on the way up
his soul gets snagged on a plastic bag,
and his body sinks in to a sun--into and I love the line break
bleached beer can some one didn't think to throw away.--someone

The last strophe is just quirky and fun to read. I love the idea of trash interfering with the transmigration of the soul.

Creative piece. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

once i got past the first stanza the poem came to life with it's depiction of death i think you could do a lot better with the first stanza if you take the route of the rest the poem. for some reason the first seems to be trying to hard to be poetical. all in all a good read. i did see todd's suggestion of losing the first stanza and while i agree that it wouldn't harm the poem i would like to see it replaced so the poem has more depth and continuity.

Myriads of sprites suck life Myriads of sprites doesn't feel right. use a word like armies or hoards, something that generates a bit of gnoshing and gnashing. not sure life is needed either
from the underbellies of moist deadfall
like farrows crowded beneath 
pink mother mounds.

The wind hears the pulse of wooden giants, this line is excellent. it reminds me of the trees in LOTR
and passes the message a long along
to leaves, and clouds, and glass
that peers past facades into the corners is [the needed?]
of young children's rooms.
Soon teachers will whisper
the hearts out of dirt, excellent. it shows we often lose something of nature as we get older and more educated.
and grass, and children
will forget the wind's words.

A coon succumbs to duality,
but on the way up
his soul gets snagged on a plastic bag, i can't help but see a connection between coon and soul and it's not the connection you intended. is coon short for racoon? if so it would cut away my ambiguity and racist thoughts. though it is a good finishing stanza. the plastic bag/ beer can work well in showing us that these things shouldn't happen and that the environment/nature is important
and his body sinks in to a sun
bleached beer can some one didn't think to throw away.

[makeshift]

Thnx for reading/commenting Billy, and Todd. I appreciate it. I agree about the first stanza, seems like I have to be knee deep in bad poetry before I can write not as bad poetry \> .< Idk I always make what I write first the first stanza. Anyway, I didn't want to reply until I had an edit, but Im slow, so edit still to come. Thnx again ^^7

[rayheinrich]

Good poem!

Abandoned Animism
- This title is too literal, like it's trying to explain the poem.
Explication is the poem's job, not the title's. The narrative of
your poem as it builds to its concept(s) is its wonder.
Maybe you could use some term taken from one of our current
religions like 'processional' or 'recessional'

Myriads of sprites suck life
from the underbellies of moist deadfall
like farrows crowded beneath
pink mother mounds.

The wind hears the pulse of wooden giants,
and passes the message a long
to leaves, and clouds, and glass
that peers past facades into the corners
of young children's rooms.

Soon teachers will whisper
the hearts out of dirt,
and grass, and children
will forget the wind's words.
I agree with Todd, the above four lines are sublime

A coon succumbs to duality,
'Coon' as an abbreviation for Racoon has so many pejorative
meanings attached to it that it's a distraction. You should
chose some other single-syllable animal name instead.
Maybe 'crow'
While I appreciate "succumbs to duality" , I think something
simpler might be used... well, maybe not, it's pleases me
no end to see it used.

but on the way up
his soul gets snagged on a plastic bag,
and his body sinks in to a sun
bleached beer can some one didn't think to throw away.
And this last stanza!!

[JPB]

"and passes the message a long" . . . a long needs to be closed up so it reads along.

"that peers past facades into the corners" I would take the s out of peers.

I do not understand the last four lines of stanza two.

"and his body sinks in to a sun" close up "in to" so it will be into


Myriads of sprites suck life
from the underbellies of moist deadfall
like farrows crowded beneath
pink mother mounds.

The wind hears the pulse of wooden giants,
and passes the message a long
to leaves, and clouds, and glass
that peers past facades into the corners
of young children's rooms.
Soon teachers will whisper
the hearts out of dirt,
and grass, and children
will forget the wind's words.

A coon succumbs to duality,
but on the way up
his soul gets snagged on a plastic bag,
and his body sinks in to a sun
bleached beer can some one didn't think to throw away.