Not Being From New York

[beaufort]

Edit #1

Not being from New York I can't say for sure
but I hear there's an up-charge for whiskey, neat,
in bars.  Women with wheat-colored hair
and coral lipstick wear dresses, all black 
with no sleeves, no shoulders
cut high to show tiny thighs not touching;
they say it's because of no ice,
the up-charge, in whiskey bars with booming music
loud played by DJs with chic blue-dyed 
hair and large high-gauge studs that graze 
thin beskulled t-shirts, black and soaked
in gin, costing more than a week's pay;
with backpacks for attachés.

Here we mostly drink beer in cold dark bottles,
the Midwest flat and arid, needing rain;
dry thunderstorms come, not a splat 
of wet, just bright lights and loud booms that
roll all night along the tree-lined ridges. 
The cows stand in open fields, in winter drink
cold water from icy troughs, their branded black coats
shaggy and full, beautiful as furs walking
along Fifth Avenue, but alive.
After the storm I use an axe to break the ice,
wearing a black woolen coat with wide shoulders
that belonged to my father; it hangs there
thick and heavy, like a warm embrace. 

_________________________

Not being from New York I can’t say for sure
but I hear there’s an up-charge for whiskey, neat,
in bars with women with wheat- colored hair
and coral lipstick; wearing dresses, all black
with no sleeves and, mostly too, no shoulders
and cut high to show tiny thighs not touching,
and they say it’s because of no ice,
the up-charge, in whiskey bars with booming music
by and large too loud played by DJs with blue-dyed
hair and silver high-gauge studs nearly touching
their thin, beskulled t-shirts, black and stained
with gin, costing more than a week’s pay
plus dry-cleaning and delivery.
 
Here we mostly drink beer in cold dark bottles,
the Midwest flat and arid, needing rain
yet only dry thunderstorms come,  not a splat
of wet, just bright lights and loud booms;
not even the cows are impressed.
Grazing, they stand in open fields,  in winter drink
water from icy troughs,  their black coats
shaggy then and full, beautiful like furs walking
down  fifth avenue only alive;
when I take the axe to break the ice
I wear a black woolen coat with wide shoulders
that belonged to my father;
it hangs thick and heavy, like a familiar embrace.
 

[just mercedes]

Hi - I really responded positively to your poem. The imagery is well done and the comparisons remain in my mind. Your rhyming is unobtrusive but serves to knit the poem well together.



Not being from New York I can’t say for sure
but I hear there’s an up-charge for whiskey, neat,
in bars with women with wheat- colored hair the two 'with's here felt a bit clumsy. great rhyme neat/wheat
and coral lipstick; wearing dresses, all black
with no sleeves and, mostly too, no shoulders needed?
and cut high to show tiny thighs not touching,
and they say it’s because of no ice, three 'and's join this sentence
the up-charge, in whiskey bars with booming music
by and large too loud played by DJs with blue-dyed needed?
hair and silver high-gauge studs nearly touching
their thin, beskulled t-shirts, black and stained I don't get this image
with gin, costing more than a week’s pay gin doesn't actually stain - my grandma used it to remove stains
plus dry-cleaning and delivery.
 
Here we mostly drink beer in cold dark bottles,
the Midwest flat and arid, needing rain
yet only dry thunderstorms come,  not a splat
of wet, just bright lights and loud booms; yet and just feel too close
not even the cows are impressed.
Grazing, they stand in open fields,  in winter drink this line break caught me off-balance
water from icy troughs,  their black coats
shaggy then and full, beautiful like furs walking needed? maybe 'beautiful as furs'
down  fifth avenue only alive; Midwest rated capitals - why not Fifth Avenue? There's something a little clunky about the structure here
when I take the axe to break the ice clever play back to the ice in the first stanza, a nice rounding-up of your poem.
I wear a black woolen coat with wide shoulders
that belonged to my father;
it hangs thick and heavy, like a familiar embrace. great strong finish
 

Thanks for posting this, and keep writing!

[Mwaba don]

 
Not being from New York I can’t say for sure
but I hear there’s an up-charge for whiskey, neat,
in bars with women with wheat- colored hair
and coral lipstick; wearing dresses, all black
with no sleeves and, mostly too, no shoulders
and cut high to show tiny thighs not touching,
and they say it’s because of no ice,
the up-charge, in whiskey bars with booming music
by and large too loud played by DJs with blue-dyed
hair and silver high-gauge studs nearly touching
their thin, beskulled t-shirts, black and stained
with gin, costing more than a week’s pay
plus dry-cleaning and delivery.
 
Here we mostly drink beer in cold dark bottles,
the Midwest flat and arid, needing rain
yet only dry thunderstorms come,  not a splat
of wet, just bright lights and loud booms;
not even the cows are impressed.
Grazing, they stand in open fields,  in winter drink
water from icy troughs,  their black coats
shaggy then and full, beautiful like furs walking
down  fifth avenue only alive;
when I take the axe to break the ice
I wear a black woolen coat with wide shoulders
that belonged to my father;
it hangs thick and heavy, like a familiar embrace.
 

      Nice topic and title. It is good to learn about new york and where you are from.
You make very good descriptions of images and the comparisons between the two places is a nice style of writing.
Whats the other place?

[billy]

if i had a nit it would be with the number of and's in the first stanza; petty i know but i did notice their use and maybe i shouldn't have. i like the comparison of there and here. and how the midwest seem to have an aversion to dead fir coats. some of the images are excellent and the depth of them just as rich.
the first stanza made the reader rip through it while the second felt more inviting. the change of pace worked very well for me. i'm surprised it didn't feel too wordy (apart from the and's) it's was probably because of good strong narrative/insights. thanks for the read.

 
Not being from New York I can’t say for sure
but I hear there’s an up-charge for whiskey, neat, i like the way neat works and neat (on it's own) and neat as in (it's good) i also like it being use with the internal rhyme and as well as the alliteration in the next line
in bars with women with wheat- colored hair
and coral lipstick; wearing dresses, all black
with no sleeves and, mostly too, no shoulders
and cut high to show tiny thighs not touching,
and they say it’s because of no ice,
the up-charge, in whiskey bars with booming music
by and large too loud played by DJs with blue-dyed [DJ's]
hair and silver high-gauge studs nearly touching
their thin, beskulled t-shirts, black and stained
with gin, costing more than a week’s pay
plus dry-cleaning and delivery.
 
Here we mostly drink beer in cold dark bottles,
the Midwest flat and arid, needing rain
yet only dry thunderstorms come,  not a splat
of wet, just bright lights and loud booms; i like the comparison of booming above and booms here
not even the cows are impressed.
Grazing, they stand in open fields,  in winter drink
water from icy troughs,  their black coats
shaggy then and full, beautiful like furs walking
down  fifth avenue only alive;
when I take the axe to break the ice
I wear a black woolen coat with wide shoulders
that belonged to my father;
it hangs thick and heavy, like a familiar embrace.
 

[beaufort]

Thanks to all for the reading. I appreciate your feedback. I have made changes based on your comments and will post an edit soon.