Toss out your precious heirlooms -------------- edit 3

[maximumjake]

of blue blooded rags
and slung dust war bags:
sewn by grinding clockwork spiders,
encased in hollow glass tubes.
Welded for an unforgiving stare,
or a sharp glance that sinks
like some towering Eastern idol
of calamitous audacity.

edit 2
of blue blooded rags
and slung dust war bags;
sewn by grinding clockwork spiders,
encased in hollow glass tubes
welded for an unforgiving stare,
or a sharp glance that sinks
like some towering Eastern idol
of calamitous audacity.

original edit
Toss out your precious heirlooms
of blue blooded rags
and slung dust war bags
inlaid with grey clockwork widows,
encased in hollow glass tubes,
welded for an unforgiving stare
or a sharp glance that sinks
like some towering idol
of calamitous audacity.

[ChristopherSea]

Greetings mjake. It is always prudent to post your edited poem above the original for the readers to follow the logic of your revision. As it stands, you have a single run on sentence. You could try full stops after bags, and with an edit, again after windows. Nonetheless, I do like some of your steampunk imagery. It's a bit much to take in and visualize in a single breath. Also, rather than a repeat of the first line, your title could become the first line. You know:

Toss out your precious heirlooms
of blue blooded rags

See what you think. Good luck with your poem./Chris

[maximumjake]

Greetings mjake. It is always prudent to post your edited poem above the original for the readers to follow the logic of your revision. As it stands, you have a single run on sentence. You could try full stops after bags, and with an edit, again after windows. Nonetheless, I do like some of your steampunk imagery. It's a bit much to take in and visualize in a single breath. Also, rather than a repeat of the first line, your title could become the first line. You know:

Toss out your precious heirlooms
of blue blooded rags

See what you think. Good luck with your poem./Chris

Good points, thank you.