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The Race
His bus lets him off late;
it is deep twilight.
The plants from the neighbors yard
hang over the walkway to his house.
He can see their little mouths
opening and closing,
waiting for a taste of him.
He tightens up his backpack
and runs towards his house.
The next thing he knows
he is standing on the front porch.
His mother opens the door
and asks him why he was breathing so hard.
He shows her his watch and says,
just trying to beat my best time,
just trying to beat my best time.
He checks his clothes upstairs
in his room and finds no bites.
He shakes his hand at the plants below
from his bedroom window
and says “I beat you, ha, I beat you.
Until the plants turn to look at him in the window.
He edges away, and slowly gets dress for supper,
although he is not very hunger
with his heart still in his throat.
–Erthona
©2014
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
just mercedes
Unregistered
Fun poem - great noir images! I like it - a bit slow in the first few lines (passive). Two 'house' close together. the next thing he knows - clunky, took me out of the flow. Third to last line - get dressed? Thanks for posting this. I may go and weed my garden now.
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On time I was swimming in a lake and was climbing onto a dock that was about thirty yards from shore, As I put my hands down to get up on the dock, one feel on a nice fat water moccasin, the next thing I knew, I was standing on the shore. I have no recollection how that occurred. I'm amusing fear temporary suspended my memory to put all of my resources into getting away from the danger. That was the idea I was going for here. I do see an edit I need to make hang to hung.
"a bit slow in the first few lines" I could reverse them to
"It is deep twilight when
bus lets him off."
"Two 'house' close together." Sorry, don't get what you are referring to.
As always I appreciate you comments,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 751
Threads: 408
Joined: May 2014
(07-12-2014, 08:14 AM)Erthona Wrote: The Race
His bus lets him off late;
it is deep twilight.
The plants from the neighbors yard
hang over the walkway to his house.
He can see their little mouths
opening and closing,
waiting for a taste of him.
He tightens up his backpack
and runs towards his house.
The next thing he knowsNot sure if you need this line.
he is standing on the front porch.
His mother opens the door
and asks him why he was breathing so hard.asks him why he is...
He shows her his watch and says,
just trying to beat my best time,I like these 2 lines repeated. But why no quotes?
just trying to beat my best time.
He checks his clothes upstairsSomething awkward in these 2 lines
in his room and finds no bites.
He shakes his hand at the plants belowI feel this and the next line would read better inverted.
from his bedroom window
and says “I beat you, ha, I beat you.Close quotes
Until the plants turn to look at him in the window.
He edges away, and slowly gets dress for supper,"dressed"
although he is not very hunger"hungry"
with his heart still in his throat.
–Erthona
©2014
Hey Dale. I like your idea here. Good tone too. Notes above are really just mechanics. Thanks for sharing, - Paul
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Thanks Paul,
I think all of your comments are spot on, and will take them onboard when I do the edit.
Thanks again,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
just mercedes
Unregistered
(07-12-2014, 08:59 AM)Erthona Wrote: On time I was swimming in a lake and was climbing onto a dock that was about thirty yards from shore, As I put my hands down to get up on the dock, one feel on a nice fat water moccasin, the next thing I knew, I was standing on the shore. I have no recollection how that occurred. I'm amusing fear temporary suspended my memory to put all of my resources into getting away from the danger. That was the idea I was going for here. I do see an edit I need to make hang to hung.
"a bit slow in the first few lines" I could reverse them to
"It is deep twilight when
bus lets him off." better
"Two 'house' close together." Sorry, don't get what you are referring to. line 4 and line 9 - maybe I'm just too picky here
As always I appreciate you comments,
Dale
I had a tiger snake rise up out of the wooden floor of an old long-drop toilet, once, while I was sitting there having a pee. I levitated instantly backwards to stand on the bench, still peeing. I know that instant when your body reacts without you!
