Motor Lodge Meeting

[John Galt]

Hi, Atehequa, this struck me as prose with line breaks, it did not strike me as a prose poem either, why? because the content did not lead me "feel" that it was through poetic content, I could not discern any craft in the delivery.

The whole theme struck me as cliche, and the wording/phrases you used reinforced this. You
can use the theme but need to bring a fresh way of looking at it to the reader. This will come with practice and the reading of as much poetry as possible.

Hope this helps in some way. JG

[tectak]

Travelers motor lodge possesive
Outside on the walkway
She had her sunglasses on at dusk
Smoking an extra long cigarette
Bathrobe and bare feet
Ample hips swaying to the music in her head
Nothing much on underneath
Another night flower
Quite ready to blossom

Half intoxicated, he watched her
Moths fluttering above her head
Around a dim awning light
A motel room nymph
Tonight’s vision of beauty
Three doors down from him
Hopefully she was alone, he thought
Unconsciously the words escaped his lips
Greetings and invitation

She neither returned,or accepted
Turning, back into her room she went
He sat in a lounge chair staring at where she had been
Another gulp of vodka
Thinking she probably took him for a creep
Just as he took her for an easy pick up
There was still the magnificent vista
Satellite television inside
And another bottle of vodka

Then he heard a door open
She had stepped outside again
He pretended not to pay her much mind this time
Until she was standing in front of him
A bottle of beer in one hand
Between two fingers of the other
A cigarette burning
Whirling tendrils of smoke
Rising and dissipating

Slowly raising his head
Ascending view leaving her bare feet
Shins and white terrycloth bathrobe
Belted, but slightly open
Enough of her bosom visible below her lovely neck
Soft pretty face and hard brown eyes
She was no dainty daisy
Night flower blossoming
She asked him about that drink

He thought she had a hollow leg
Putting down booze like a seasoned toper
A job which took her from Roanoke to Norfolk
Divorced with a drinking problem
The breeze was blowing down the walkway
Carrying her scent to him
Inhaling deeply, eyes closed
Exhaling with a lusty sigh
Her hair was still wet

Nightfall found them in a friendly way
A slight chill in the highland air
Inside for several more drinks
He recognized the look in her eyes
“Not yet", he said under his breath
As he had remembered her swaying hips
Turning on the clock radio, pouring two more drinks
Dialing through stations, finding appropriate music
He scooped her up in his arms

Hi Atehequa,
In poetry structured like this a lot can be forgiven. There is style here which is more "in the telling" than "in the way of the telling" . In other words it manifestly succeeds in passing over all the information needed to relate to, and enjoy, the cameo...but makes for a difficult read because of the flaky grammar. You may feel that leaving out punctuation "adds" something...it does not. You may believe that capitalising every line is poetic...it is not.
I am not unforgiving, as I said at the outset, but I think you should consider "...her swaying hips turning on the clock radio", "...with a lusty sigh her hair was still wet", "...a bottle of beer in one hand between two fingers of the other".
No line by line as there are so many corrections that COULD be made I think it is up to you. The spirit of the piece ," Guy meets exotic woman", is modern romaticism and in that genre I would say you pulled it off ....you may find it just too much of an effort to refine the piece, and it would not be easy, without losing the quintessential rawness of it. If it were my piece, I would try....but it is not.
Best,
tectak

[Alexearth]

Hey,

I think there's a lot of potential in this "story-like" poem. Even though it maybe is a cliche, it is always nice to read a story with a motel romance aesthetic to it. Structure and punctuation have to be worked on. Description is good but try adding more figures of speech like metaphors to share your personal way of seeing the actions and surroundings. Good luck

Alex