Indent
#1
My knotted
stomach
heads
from under
Mediterranean summer
frost covers again
the edges of a window pane.
So good the ceilings
wink at me
(i n) wonder
I am
conscious
of my feet
how close
are they
to yours, and if yours
point
in my direction.

Time to close this frolicking, find the prepositions
and scatter them against
this interesting
sunset,
sun
set
inside an outstretched palm ---
your face
in midnight.



-------

I was experimenting with different indents but wasn't sure how to format it properly:
https://docs.google.com/drawings/d/1zMPA...wiCgw/edit
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#2
In regards to fogglethorpe's version, I agree with the changes making it more clear. I would add and "and" to the start of the line

"how close they are"

Although I like the images you paint, I can extract little meaning from:

"My knotted stomach
heads from under
the Mediterranean summer;
again, frost covers
the edges of a window."

And maybe the last five lines.

Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#3
hi expiring

we have a code that can be used to indent on the info pages
i agree that you don't need any fancy layoutin general your words work on their own. for instance, the first 4 lines look like you want the reader to pause intentionally but i can't work out why. the latter part f the poem is the best part, it has a good change of direction and is original

(07-07-2014, 11:37 AM)expiring_touch Wrote:  My knotted
stomach
heads
from under
Mediterranean summer
frost covers again for me the poem begins here as the previous lines are a struggle to make sense of
the edges of a window pane.
So good the ceilings not sure why [so good] but like the ceilings wink at me i see a flickering light
wink at me
(i n) wonder
I am
conscious
of my feet
    how close
        are they
to yours, and if yours
                                point
                in my direction.

Time to close this frolicking, find the prepositions
and scatter them against
this interesting
sunset,
sun
set
inside an outstretched palm ---
your face
in midnight.



-------

I was experimenting with different indents but wasn't sure how to format it properly:
https://docs.google.com/drawings/d/1zMPA...wiCgw/edit
Reply
#4
I'm still looking for the transition between summer and frost, unless it is talking about the relationship going from warm to frosty. Hot passion before and now awaking there is a chill in the air. If so, I don't see why would insert "Mediterranean summer " a it just seems to confuse the issue. Same to as sun set in "inside an outstretched palm ---"

and how that leads to

"your face
in midnight."

There are some nice images here, but I took little meaning away from it. I suppose this could be an imagist poem, but I never took much away from them either.

Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply




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