The ink bleeding out of a pen
The seal bladders!
The violent rocking
Forward and backward, so hard
That the wood hits the glass
And the chipping paint sprinkles
The floor like his hair
Sprinkles the fabric
The black fabric in his daughter's name
A midnight blue circle grows on
The acid wash of his denim pants
That matches the ink bleeding out
Of his pen
His favorite blue pen, so fascinating
That his fixation prevents him
Prevents him from realizing
His bladder is no seal's bladder
And his daughter is responsible
For the mess
*I am new to poetry. This is one of my first poems. I appreciate honest opinions and any critique people are willing to give me. Thanks for reading.
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Joined: Mar 2013
I think that the sparse punctuation made it harder to read. A few more commas and periods in the right places, I think would help a lot. I think there were some missing ends, that made me unsure of what you meant. ie Who is this daughter, and what's her importance? 'And the chipping paint sprinkles/the floor like his hair' - Why hair? It could very well just be me that's slow, but I didn't understand some parts of your poem. As one of your first poems though, I think it's a good effort, and you have some good ideas
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Joined: Jan 2013
This is not bad for a first poem, though I think it'd do it some justice to eliminate the repeats and maybe trim a little fat off the beginnings of your lines. Good luck.
I'll be there in a minute.
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Joined: Dec 2016
chaizoe,
Because of the oddness of the words used, the lack of good punctuation makes this difficult to make sense of. Or it could be as often happens when the writer is new to poetry, that they assume the reader knows what they know, and so do not include enough information to make what they write sensible.
I get that his pen has broken and leaked ink on his clothes. I also get that this is an incident where his daughter is on him, or riding him while he sits in the rocking chair, and she causes it to rock so violently that a window is broken. Is it sexual or innocent? I've no idea. Evidently his pen is broken, and he pees on himself and this is the mess that his daughter is responsible for. "Demise" can refer to death, but also to failure, or losing status. How do "seal bladders" fir into this? Is there a connection to the Inuit way of hunting whales, by the use of an inflated seal bladder to tire the whale when it tries to dive? It seems a long way to go just to say in a round about way that he has a weak bladder.
It is not the reader's job to guess at the intent of the writer, it is the writers job to make that intent clear enough that the reader does not have to do a lot of guessing at the meaning of a piece, as the reader is forced to here.
Do your readers a favor and put capitols only at the start of sentences, and periods always at the end of them.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
A midnight blue circle grows on
The acid wash of his denim pants
That matches the ink bleeding out
Of his pen
This is nice to circle back to the top and make a hard hit.
I am crushed during the ending however. I get twisted. I feel that I am with you but then I am lost.
Nice work. I did enjoy reading hope I offered some insight.
ZM
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Threads: 15
Joined: Jul 2014
This poem has a strong imagery which I like. Some metaphors seem a little artificial, if you know what I mean. But a very good start!
Alex
Posts: 19
Threads: 2
Joined: Jul 2014
(05-01-2013, 08:33 AM)chaizoe Wrote: The ink bleeding out of a pen
The seal bladders!
The violent rocking
Forward and backward, so hard
That the wood hits the glass
And the chipping paint sprinkles
The floor like his hair
Sprinkles the fabric
The black fabric in his daughter's name
A midnight blue circle grows on
The acid wash of his denim pants
That matches the ink bleeding out
Of his pen
His favorite blue pen, so fascinating
That his fixation prevents him
Prevents him from realizing
His bladder is no seal's bladder
And his daughter is responsible
For the mess
*I am new to poetry. This is one of my first poems. I appreciate honest opinions and any critique people are willing to give me. Thanks for reading.
You wrote in such a way that imagery was easy as I read. This is always a good thing. I like "A midnight blue circle grows on" I imagine that means the outline in his pants from not making it to the bathroom? (If that's what the other lines about the bladder referred to.)
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(05-01-2013, 08:33 AM)chaizoe Wrote: The ink bleeding out of a pen
The seal bladders!
The violent rocking
Forward and backward, so hard
That the wood hits the glass
And the chipping paint sprinkles
The floor like his hair
Sprinkles the fabric
The black fabric in his daughter's name
A midnight blue circle grows on
The acid wash of his denim pants
That matches the ink bleeding out
Of his pen
His favorite blue pen, so fascinating
That his fixation prevents him
Prevents him from realizing
His bladder is no seal's bladder
And his daughter is responsible
For the mess
*I am new to poetry. This is one of my first poems. I appreciate honest opinions and any critique people are willing to give me. Thanks for reading.
Hi,
I tentatively think we are all missing the point of this one. It really is so obscure that I have already forgiven myself for not getting your point. If anything can be said of it that is certain it is this...I have no idea what it is about.
You have used an emotive gathering of words to create a suspiciously profound "poem", and I apologise for the quotes, but you have not made one clarifying metaphor, nor have you consistently taken on board the optional but useful requirement of meter, rhythm or rhyme. You capitalise every line, omit punctuation, and yet presumably wish to benefit from your peer's opinion of whatever poetic endeavour you may feel you have incorporated...this is a difficult task.
I admire the bravado with which you embark on this but MUST point out the importance of clear information inherent in any written work...without giving such information you will find yourself defending the piece by lengthy explanations, post posting, of what it is all about...when, in fact, that is what the poem should do in the first place. Why spoil a concept close to your metaphorical heart by distancing your readers until the mist of misinterpretation creeps across your vista. I am lost. Are you?
Best,
tectak
