Church Music

[outcast]

In spring when the last bale is fed out
and before this year's crop,
another twenty thousand strong,
fills the gaping space again,
a multitude build their nests
along the ancient hay fork track
and in the dozens of corner braces
that grace the timber frame.

Long before first light
sporadic voices predict the dawn,
and as the east begins to glow
a hallelujah chorus forms among the beams.
Amplified by half an acre of tin roof
is this rejoicing at the defeat of darkness.
In the bones of a rural cathedral
exuberant praise for the morning.

[ellajam]

Hey, you, first poem post, yay. I enjoyed it, I could hear the silent night awake into full chorus. Here are a few notes.

In spring when the last bale is fed out
and before this year's crop,
another twenty thousand strong, A little confusion here, maybe no comma. Another has nothing to refer to, maybe this year's or this June's or something better.
fills the gaping space again, period?
a multitude build their nests
along the ancient hay fork track
and in the dozens of corner braces Do you need the "and"?
that grace the timber frame.

Long before first light
sporadic voices predict the dawn,
and as the east begins to glow
a hallelujah chorus forms among the beams.
Amplified by half an acre of tin roof
is this rejoicing at the defeat of darkness.
In the bones of a rural cathedral I'm not sure you need the last two lines.
exuberant praise for the morning.

Just some thoughts to consider if you decide to edit. Lovely read.

[tomasmk]

In spring when the last bale is fed out
and before this year's crop,
another twenty thousand strong,
fills the gaping space again,
a multitude build their nests
along the ancient hay fork track
and in the dozens of corner braces
that grace the timber frame.

Long before first light
sporadic voices predict the dawn,
and as the east begins to glow
a hallelujah chorus forms among the beams.
Amplified by half an acre of tin roof
is this rejoicing at the defeat of darkness.
In the bones of a rural cathedral
exuberant praise for the morning.

hi!

im quite a newbie here so its surely my fault, but could you please clarify the meaning of the poem?
I liked the sound when I read through it

[RSaba]

I like this a lot- hope these notes help.

In spring when the last bale is fed out
and before this year's crop,
another twenty thousand strong, no comma here
fills the gaping space again, if you lay this out as a sentence, this comma should be a semi colon. This is nitpicky stuff, but it stands out to me when I read.
a multitude build their nests
along the ancient hay fork track
and in the dozens of corner braces
that grace the timber frame. Really neat imagery, making a graceful picture out of rough material.

Long before first light comma
sporadic voices predict the dawn,
and as the east begins to glow
a hallelujah chorus forms among the beams. that's a beautiful idea. A hallelujah chorus is a sound and so the idea of it "forming" along the beams is really cool.
Amplified by half an acre of tin roof I relate so much to this image. Comma at the end of this line though
is this rejoicing at the defeat of darkness.
In the bones of a rural cathedral Favourite line in the whole poem. Comma!
exuberant praise for the morning.

Something useful to do is lay a poem out in sentences and make sure to iron out the small grammar or punctuation issues that could hamper reading. Other than that, I really enjoy this poem. It's descriptive and feels so warm and familiar to me. Great write!

[billy]

first off, thank you for giving feedback elsewhere. it's appreciated.

there seems to be a lot of comma's
the poem has a real pastoral theme to it and the title works well in that it sets up a kind of dawn chorus though it feels more like the chorus of nature which for me is a good thing. it feels original and one of those pieces that intimate "of better times" just the one line that sort of didn't fit for me; [the question line] it just feels out of step with the scenery of the poem

thanks for the read.

In spring when the last bale is fed out
and before this year's crop,
another twenty thousand strong, if this is hay/corn or crops of some sort 20,000 seems on the low side, if it's a congregation it seems on the high.
fills the gaping space again,
a multitude build their nests is it a given the nests belong to the builders? if so is [their] needed?
along the ancient hay fork track
and in the dozens of corner braces
that grace the timber frame.

Long before first light
sporadic voices predict the dawn, i like how this sets up the stanza, it also makes it more clear for the reader to surmise what exactly the church music is.
and as the east begins to glow
a hallelujah chorus forms among the beams.
Amplified by half an acre of tin roof
is this rejoicing at the defeat of darkness. is it a question? a suggestion would be to lose [is this]
In the bones of a rural cathedral
exuberant praise for the morning.

---

hi tomasmk;

just say what you think it's about, what is the sound you like and why? don't worry about not getting a poem and never blame yourself. we see what we see. if you read the feedback of others you'll probably get an idea of what the poems about. often poet wait till all or a lot of feedback is in before giving the game away, (it a way of seeing if they got thing across in a good or bad way.

hi!

im quite a newbie here so its surely my fault, but could you please clarify the meaning of the poem?
I liked the sound when I read through it

just say what you think it's about

[just mercedes]

Hi! I like the pastoral setting, and the reminders of the cycle of life. The metaphor of cathedral works well here.

In spring when the last bale is fed out,
and before this year's crop,
another twenty thousand strong,these next three lines need more attention, I think.
fills the gaping space again, I like the slant rhyme. Some confusion as to whether 'twenty thousand strong' is singular or plural
a multitude build their nests Do you need 'their'?
along the ancient hay fork track
and in the dozens of corner braces needed?
that grace the timber frame. Again, nice sounds

Long before first light
sporadic voices predict the dawn, needed?
and as the east begins to glow a bit cliche here, a pity because your images so far have been fresh and different
a hallelujah chorus forms among the beams. these next three lines need a little tightening too
Amplified by half an acre of tin roof
is this rejoicing at the defeat of darkness.
In the bones of a rural cathedral lovely imagery
exuberant praise for the morning.

Thanks for posting - I enjoyed the dawn visit!

[Erthona]

This actually reads pretty clearly to me (grammatical correction not withstanding), as my family were farmers. So it is obvious that the twenty thousand strong, is referring to bales of hay, which will be placed in the large barn that the last bale from the previous harvest was just taken from. The birds roost in the barn, and as morning approaches begin to make their individual sounds which is amplified by the tin roof and the emptiness of the barn.

One suggestion "is this rejoicing at the defeat of darkness." -->"is a rejoicing at the defeat of darkness. "

Dale

[outcast]

Thanks to all who took the time to read and comment on my poem. Clearly, punctuation isn't my forte.

Some took line 14 as a question, which wasn't the intent. Rather, it's an old fashioned manner of speaking that merely confused the statement. Dale offered the appropriate fix.

I would argue Billy's suggestion that 20,000 square bales of hay (sufficient to feed 50 head of cattle over a 220 day housing) is on the low side, but he is by current standards correct. Indeed (outside of the specialized horse market) square bales have largely passed into antiquity. However, this reminiscence was integral to the piece. The number was chosen from (now historical) fact, and I thought it approximate to a biblical multitude. As a former dairy farmer, I might have added, "Blessed are the cheese makers." But that would be to plagiarize the great Pythons.

Glad to be aboard...much enjoying your site.