the Storm at Montecassino

[tomasmk]

[Image: http://remembrancedaysong.com/images/Pil...stones.jpg]
On a Montecassino morn,
a singing monk, still, tills the land.
The stormy weathers of the world
draw right above his home, their line.

Booming thunders start a choir,
as lightning, as bullets, fly by.
Brave winds, outside their course,
clash against each other and die.

Raindrops fall helplessly from the heights,
crying their death rattle to the sky.
The silent monk too looks at the sky, asking: why?
And still continues to till the land

[tectak]

[Image: http://remembrancedaysong.com/images/Pil...stones.jpg]On a Montecassino morn,
a singing monk, still, tills the land The duality of meaning for "still" is not advantageous. One asks how can one till if still? You must punctuate to clarity...or at least to certainty.
the stormy weathers of the world
draw right above his home, their line Are you going to punctuate or not? Half punctuation looks like incompetence.

Booming thunders start a choir
as lightning, as bullets, fly by
brave winds, outside their course,
clash against each other and die Good solid words but without the mortar of punctuation they fall down. "...as bullets, fly by brave winds.." Huh?

Raindrops fall helplessly from the heights,
crying their death rattle to the sky
the singing monk too looks at the sky, asking: why? The monk as well as who? You do not say and consequently I do not know.
and still continues to till the land

Nice, compact concept let down by grammar. It is easily fixable but unless you give crit you won't get much back on this site. That is what it is all about. Try it.
Best and welcome,
tectak

[tomasmk]

[Image: http://remembrancedaysong.com/images/Pil...stones.jpg]On a Montecassino morn,
a singing monk, still, tills the land The duality of meaning for "still" is not advantageous. One asks how can one till if still? You must punctuate to clarity...or at least to certainty.
the stormy weathers of the world
draw right above his home, their line Are you going to punctuate or not? Half punctuation looks like incompetence.

Booming thunders start a choir
as lightning, as bullets, fly by
brave winds, outside their course,
clash against each other and die Good solid words but without the mortar of punctuation they fall down. "...as bullets, fly by brave winds.." Huh?

Raindrops fall helplessly from the heights,
crying their death rattle to the sky
the singing monk too looks at the sky, asking: why? The monk as well as who? You do not say and consequently I do not know.
and still continues to till the land

Nice, compact concept let down by grammar. It is easily fixable but unless you give crit you won't get much back on this site. That is what it is all about. Try it.
Best and welcome,
tectak

Hi tectak, thank you for your feedback. I've tried to correct the punctuation, do you think it is more clear now?

about the monk looking at the sky, I thought that since the raindrops were crying at the sky, they might be also "looking" at it.

regarding the "still" use, I wanted to make a bit of a wordplay and also some rhymes out of it. My image was that of a monk peacefully standing on the spot and slowly harvesting the ground with his tool. Maybe it can work in this sense?

I'm going to try to give crit, its just a bit hard as I feel so unqualified to give any opinion, this in fact is my first poem...

[tectak]

[Image: http://remembrancedaysong.com/images/Pil...stones.jpg]On a Montecassino morn,
a singing monk, still, tills the land The duality of meaning for "still" is not advantageous. One asks how can one till if still? You must punctuate to clarity...or at least to certainty.
the stormy weathers of the world
draw right above his home, their line Are you going to punctuate or not? Half punctuation looks like incompetence.

Booming thunders start a choir
as lightning, as bullets, fly by
brave winds, outside their course,
clash against each other and die Good solid words but without the mortar of punctuation they fall down. "...as bullets, fly by brave winds.." Huh?

Raindrops fall helplessly from the heights,
crying their death rattle to the sky
the singing monk too looks at the sky, asking: why? The monk as well as who? You do not say and consequently I do not know.
and still continues to till the land

Nice, compact concept let down by grammar. It is easily fixable but unless you give crit you won't get much back on this site. That is what it is all about. Try it.
Best and welcome,
tectak

Hi tectak, thank you for your feedback. I've tried to correct the punctuation, do you think it is more clear now?

about the monk looking at the sky, I thought that since the raindrops were crying at the sky, they might be also "looking" at it.

regarding the "still" use, I wanted to make a bit of a wordplay and also some rhymes out of it. My image was that of a monk peacefully standing on the spot and slowly harvesting the ground with his tool. Maybe it can work in this sense?

I'm going to try to give crit, its just a bit hard as I feel so unqualified to give any opinion, this in fact is my first poem...

....and a good effort.
See comments in body text.
Best,
tectak

---

[Image: http://remembrancedaysong.com/images/Pil...stones.jpg]
On a Montecassino morn, It is impossible to meter Montecassino in this scheme and expect repeatability in the stanzas to follow. What you have is:
ON a MONteCASSinO morn
aSINGing MONK, still, TILLS the LAND. So where next? You see the problem? Even if you insist beyond reason that you want to retain the somewhat pointless ambiguity of "still" the meter denies you...so much so that it is nonsensical.You could tryj
Montecassino, comes the dawn;
a singing monk still tills the land.

OK. you loose the "still" lunacy but gain cred.

a singing monk, still, tills the land. ...and off we go. Clip clop
The stormy weathers of the world
draw right above his home, their line.

Booming thunders start a choir, Booming thunder starts a choir;
as lightning, as bullets, fly by. bullets, like lightning, pierce the sky.
Brave winds, outside their course, Brave winds of bravado, outside their course,
clash against each other and die.

Raindrops fall helplessly from the heights,Raindrops fall helpless, from the heights;
crying their death rattle to the sky. in death rattle cry, they part from their peers.
The silent monk too looks at the sky, asking: why? The silent monk,too, peers up to the sky,
And still continues to till the land still tilling the land, but now asking, "Why?"

You make your own traps in this. Review the meter. It is complex beyond need. That Montecassino has a lot to answer for. Your poem.
Best,
tectak