Caprice

[thislife]

Moonlight moves the ocean
Lights up, circumstantial
I want to walk on water
I will walk, I will

I will sink
Darkness hits
I spin around and I don't know
What is up and what is down?

So this is life
And this is death
At the same time, right now
I have to make a choice somehow

I don't know, I don't, I don't

[just mercedes]

Hi, and welcome! Your poem deals with comparing life and death, and seems to say that we have a choice in the matter. I suppose a person playing at suicide could make a choice but for most I don't think death waits until we want it to arrive.

Moonlight moves the ocean good image, good sounds
Lights up, circumstantial not sure what is happening here
I want to walk on water
I will walk, I will

I will sink
Darkness hits like a blow? This didn't work for me
I spin around and I don't know
What is up and what is down? Where is?

So this is life
And this is death
At the same time, right now
I have to make a choice somehow the rhyme was unexpected but good

I don't know, I don't, I don't This links back to the first stanza, echoing the form; a neat circularity

[mallaloca]

Moonlight moves the ocean
Lights up, circumstantial (What lights up? What is circumstantial?)
I want to walk on water
I will walk, I will

I will sink
Darkness hits (How?)
I spin around and I don't know
What is up and what is down?

So this is life
And this is death
At the same time, right now
I have to make a choice somehow

I don't know, I don't, I don't

It is a powerful poem and subject. A little bit more clarity would make it better in my opinion. Thanks for sharing.

[ellajam]

Moonlight moves the ocean
Lights up, circumstantial (What lights up? What is circumstantial?)
I want to walk on water
I will walk, I will

I will sink
Darkness hits (How?)
I spin around and I don't know
What is up and what is down?

So this is life
And this is death
At the same time, right now
I have to make a choice somehow

I don't know, I don't, I don't

It is a powerful poem and subject. A little bit more clarity would make it better in my opinion. Thanks for sharing.

What makes the poem powerful? Which lines lack clarity? If your critique is more specific it is more likely to help the poet.
Thanks and welcome. ella/mod

[thislife]

Hi, and welcome! Your poem deals with comparing life and death, and seems to say that we have a choice in the matter. I suppose a person playing at suicide could make a choice but for most I don't think death waits until we want it to arrive.

Moonlight moves the ocean good image, good sounds
Lights up, circumstantial not sure what is happening here
I want to walk on water
I will walk, I will

I will sink
Darkness hits like a blow? This didn't work for me
I spin around and I don't know
What is up and what is down? Where is?

So this is life
And this is death
At the same time, right now
I have to make a choice somehow the rhyme was unexpected but good

I don't know, I don't, I don't This links back to the first stanza, echoing the form; a neat circularity

Hi! Thank you for your feedback. I don't think people have a choice in death, but they have a choice in life. And sometimes that could be hard to see.

"I spin around and I don't know
What is up and what is down?"

It means one choice you make: to dive down into dark water, would lead to the next, that you don't know if you will live or die, because you don't know what is up and down.

I will have a closer thought to your feedback on "Lights up, circumstantial"
I know what i thought, but i have to think a bit more why it is not working.

Thanks again.

[just mercedes]

Hi, and welcome! Your poem deals with comparing life and death, and seems to say that we have a choice in the matter. I suppose a person playing at suicide could make a choice but for most I don't think death waits until we want it to arrive.

Moonlight moves the ocean good image, good sounds
Lights up, circumstantial not sure what is happening here
I want to walk on water
I will walk, I will

I will sink
Darkness hits like a blow? This didn't work for me
I spin around and I don't know
What is up and what is down? Where is?

So this is life
And this is death
At the same time, right now
I have to make a choice somehow the rhyme was unexpected but good

I don't know, I don't, I don't This links back to the first stanza, echoing the form; a neat circularity

Hi! Thank you for your feedback. I don't think people have a choice in death, but they have a choice in life. And sometimes that could be hard to see.

"I spin around and I don't know
What is up and what is down?"

It means one choice you make: to dive down into dark water, would lead to the next, that you don't know if you will live or die, because you don't know what is up and down.

I will have a closer thought to your feedback on "Lights up, circumstantial"
I know what i thought, but i have to think a bit more why it is not working.

Thanks again.

Hi again - up and down are directions, not things, so where is more appropriate than what.

[thislife]

Hi! Thank you for your feedback. I don't think people have a choice in death, but they have a choice in life. And sometimes that could be hard to see.

"I spin around and I don't know
What is up and what is down?"

It means one choice you make: to dive down into dark water, would lead to the next, that you don't know if you will live or die, because you don't know what is up and down.

I will have a closer thought to your feedback on "Lights up, circumstantial"
I know what i thought, but i have to think a bit more why it is not working.

Thanks again.

Hi again - up and down are directions, not things, so where is more appropriate than what.

I see your point, english is not my first language.