Good-bye bitch!

[nb]

Hi all!

I call this "Good-bye bitch!"



My wife's monthly visitor, an unlooked-for aunt,
her time with us now runs very scant.
"Foul witch, what makest thou in our sight?"*
Leave, begone, meanspirited old wight!

No "change" to be dreaded but a welcome relief
from physical pain and spiritual grief.
(God unjust? I won't go down that route
but still, at long last, His "No" is now moot.)

We've long put away the needles and vials
and forlorn, tattered hopes, heaped up in piles.
Two boys we've adopted; ours is the gain.
Therefore, we can, and will, not complain.

Yet my "Good riddance!" will also ring hollow
and be, in one sense, not easy to swallow.
One hope yet I hold, in secret, on the sly,
and as she departs, I must let it die.

Love, oh what a tale we have spun.
On to a new chapter, this one is done,
leaving nothing behind but a wistful regret
to peek through the windows for some time yet.

* Richard III, Act I, Scene III

nb

[Arriedo]

I enjoyed the reference to the play.

I also like how you played a trick on us. It starts off kind of funny then as you continue reading you realize that there's more to it than just that angry week of rage that leaves. I loved it keep writing.

[bena]

I really like this. Which is odd, because I usually despise things which blend archaic writing/theme with modern ideas. I think you pulled it off.

Your meter is pretty good and I can put most things in place, but I think you could help it by dropping the "but" in S2 l4 ---But I'm no expert on IP. I think that line would have too many trochees with it there.

Did you switch to tetrameter for the last stanza on purpose? It seems purposeful, but I'm not sure why. Doesn't matter to me though. I just sit around here hoping I don't happen to like rhyming poem so I don't feel the need to comment. And here you've come in and fouled my plan.

Good job...

bena

[Erthona]

This seems written in Seuss verse, which basically means it is accentual at four accent per line. Some of the lines run too long by a syllable. I'm assuming you included the " Richard III" quote because Richard Dreyfus played Richard III in the "Goodby Girls" which the title is a spoof on.

As "route" can be read as "root", or "rout" the rhyme with "moot", becomes somewhat problematic. I was pronouncing it the second way and so I was brought up short in the reading, and had to backtrack to get the needed pronouncement.

The last line brings home the conflict of moral choices, and how long it takes to overcome our upbringing, in a very succinct way.


Dale

[just mercedes]

I enjoyed this, although the somewhat archaic language seemed self-consciously 'poetic' at first. But after I'd finished, and read it again, I understood.

My nephew's wife had IVF, after years of attempts; they have twin girls now. I know what a heartbreak it is, wanting children and not conceiving. So the change of life impacts as a final 'No', I guess - at least it did for me. And perhaps that's why your poem sets itself at a distance from the reader - because that close ground is really rough territory.

Clever poem, with its updated Shakespearean take on this. Great emotional tone I thought.

[LorettaYoung]

Hi all!

I call this "Good-bye bitch!"



My wife's monthly visitor, an unlooked-for aunt,
her time with us now runs very scant.
"Foul witch, what makest thou in our sight?"*
Leave, begone, meanspirited old wight!

No "change" to be dreaded but a welcome relief
from physical pain and spiritual grief.
(God unjust? I won't go down that route
but still, at long last, His "No" is now moot.)

We've long put away the needles and vials
and forlorn, tattered hopes, heaped up in piles.
Two boys we've adopted; ours is the gain.
Therefore, we can, and will, not complain.

Yet my "Good riddance!" will also ring hollow
and be, in one sense, not easy to swallow.
One hope yet I hold, in secret, on the sly,
and as she departs, I must let it die.

Love, oh what a tale we have spun.
On to a new chapter, this one is done,
leaving nothing behind but a wistful regret
to peek through the windows for some time yet.

* Richard III, Act I, Scene III

nb

[/quote]

---

Hi nb: yes, keep writing; this work has a feeling of suspense to it; it seems funny at first; then winds to wistful. I wonder about S2&3, first their connection and some bumpy lines. Overall very enjoyable. Loretta

[nb]

Hi all!

Um...

I enjoyed the reference to the play.

One of my favorites.

I also like how you played a trick on us.

That was not my intention.

I really like this. Which is odd, because I usually despise things which blend archaic writing/theme with modern ideas. I think you pulled it off.

Thanks, I think.

Uh, what's archaic about the writing?

Did you switch to tetrameter for the last stanza on purpose?

I had to Google just now to see what "tetrameter" is, so no I didn't.

I just sit around here hoping I don't happen to like rhyming poem so I don't feel the need to comment. And here you've come in and fouled my plan.

BUWAHAHAHAHA!!!

This seems written in Seuss verse...

Dr. Seuss is da man.

The last line brings home the conflict of moral choices, and how long it takes to overcome our upbringing, in a very succinct way.

Thank you.

My nephew's wife had IVF, after years of attempts...

We struck out 9 times (plus two FETs) before we realized that whipping the dead horse was kinda pointless.

Clever poem, with it's updated Shakespearean take on this. Great emotional tone I thought.

Overall very enjoyable.

Thank you (plural).

nb

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi all!

I call this "Good-bye bitch!"



My wife's monthly visitor, an unlooked-for aunt, unlooked-for made me stumble too early in the poem. Could she not just be a troublesome aunt?
her time with us now runs very scant.
"Foul witch, what makest thou in our sight?"* Nice!
Leave, begone, meanspirited old wight!

No "change" to be dreaded but a welcome relief Not sure if I like change in quotations, feels like the reader is pushed into understanding its meaning.
from physical pain and spiritual grief.
(God unjust? I won't go down that route
but still, at long last, His "No" is now moot.)

We've long put away the needles and vials
and forlorn, tattered hopes, heaped up in piles.
Two boys we've adopted; ours is the gain.
Therefore, we can, and will, not complain. reads like the negative "not" comes too late. Maybe - Therefore we cannot, and will not complain

Yet my "Good riddance!" will also ring hollow
and be, in one sense, not easy to swallow.
One hope yet I hold, in secret, on the sly,
and as she departs, I must let it die.

Love, oh what a tale we have spun.
On to a new chapter, this one is done,
leaving nothing behind but a wistful regret
to peek through the windows for some time yet. Strong ending, especially the last line.

* Richard III, Act I, Scene III

nb

Thanks for the posting nb. Good topic. Any suggestions are really just personal preference. Nice write. - Paul