Fallen Poets

[Jimmy Stark]

I cried when Biggie and Pac died.
I just lied
lying about their lives.
Looking at the stars
reciting their bars.
No longer safe within cars.
Thug life.
Drug life.
Slug strife.
Solemnly slain soldiers.
Fists rose as
tears fell.
Compton and Bed-Stuy bled becoming
bicoastal battlegrounds.
"Dear Mama where is Big Poppa?"
My mother wept
and played Billie Holiday
in honor of streets disciples
from every corner
of thugz mansion.

[LorettaYoung]

Hi Jimmy: there are some good lines here and I really like the timing. "Fists rose as tears fell"; history if full of those times. I have one question; I am assuming that the cause of Biggie and Pac's death
was related to the harsh life of which you show so well. Loretta[/b]


H[b]

I cried when Biggie and Pac died.
I just lied
lying about their lives. I don't see why you need lying after lies; it also interrupts the sound
Looking at the stars
reciting their bars. Is this slang for poetry?
No longer safe within cars.
Thug life.
Drug life.
Slug strife.
Solemnly slain soldiers.
Fists rose as
tears fell.
Compton and Bed-Stuy bled becoming
bicoastal battlegrounds.
"Dear Mama where is Big Poppa?"
My mother wept
and played Billie Holiday
in honor of streets disciples
from every corner
in thugs mansion.

[Jimmy Stark]

Thanks for the reply. To clear a few things up: Biggie and 2 Pac were both rappers in the 90's who were murdered. Both murders are still unsolved and the deaths had a lasting impact on many groups of people, specifically the hip-hop community since we lost two of our best artists. I wrote this about the impact their death had on me.

The things you mentioned in the poem:
"lied" in line 2 is meant to be lied as in lying down, and "bars" are the lyrics to a hip-hop song.

Thanks for the kind words!

Hi Jimmy: there are some good lines here and I really like the timing. "Fists rose as tears fell"; history if full of those times. I have one question; I am assuming that the cause of Biggie and Pac's death
was related to the harsh life of which you show so well. Loretta[/b]


H[b]

I cried when Biggie and Pac died.
I just lied
lying about their lives. I don't see why you need lying after lies; it also interrupts the sound
Looking at the stars
reciting their bars. Is this slang for poetry?
No longer safe within cars.
Thug life.
Drug life.
Slug strife.
Solemnly slain soldiers.
Fists rose as
tears fell.
Compton and Bed-Stuy bled becoming
bicoastal battlegrounds.
"Dear Mama where is Big Poppa?"
My mother wept
and played Billie Holiday
in honor of streets disciples
from every corner
in thugs mansion.

[Erthona]

Are dead rappers fallen poets?

This line seems ambiguous "Solemnly slain soldiers" where the soldiers slain solemnly (I'm not sure that has much meaning), or where the soldiers solemn when they were slain, or where the persons who killed them solemn when they killed them?

The allusion to Compton and Bed-stuy seems a bit obscure to me, but I guess I understand it, if not for the specifics. The line is awkward, maybe change to:

Bed-Stuy and Compton bled
becoming bicoastal battlegrounds.

If the way you have it is meant as some kind of enjambment, I don't think it works.

This does remind me of some of Springsteen's earlier work, especially "Greeting form Asbury Park" A kind of a street anthem like "Jungleland" off of the "Born to Run" album.

Shouldn't it be "Thugz Mansion" instead of "thugs mansion" if this is a reference to the 2Pac song?

Seemed filled with rap references, "Big Poppa" a song by Notorious B.I.G., and "Dear Mama" another 2Pac song. So if you don't know rap, this all becomes very obscure.

Should that be "street disciples" rather than "streets (plural) disciples"?

Like rap, this is mostly held together by repetitious simple rhyme. "died", "lied", "lies", or "stars", "bars", "cars".

This last sentence seems the most poetic to me:

"My mother wept
and played Billie Holiday
in honor of streets disciples
from every corner
in thugs mansion."

Although it should probably read "from every corner of thugs mansion" or "in every corner of thugs mansion".

Dale

[Jimmy Stark]

Thanks for the reply!

You are correct, this is littered with rap references. Compton and Bed-Stuy are the cities in which 2 Pac and Biggie are associated with, that's why that is there. I chose to use "streets disciples" over "street disciple" because "Street's Disciples is a Nas album. Not a Pac or Biggie reference, but still a hip-hop one. I will change "thugs" to "thugz", my phone must have autocorrected that when I typed it in.

I like the change of the last line, makes more sense that way. Thanks for the suggestions!

Are dead rappers fallen poets?

This line seems ambiguous "Solemnly slain soldiers" where the soldiers slain solemnly (I'm not sure that has much meaning), or where the soldiers solemn when they were slain, or where the persons who killed them solemn when they killed them?

The allusion to Compton and Bed-stuy seems a bit obscure to me, but I guess I understand it, if not for the specifics. The line is awkward, maybe change to:

Bed-Stuy and Compton bled
becoming bicoastal battlegrounds.

If the way you have it is meant as some kind of enjambment, I don't think it works.

This does remind me of some of Springsteen's earlier work, especially "Greeting form Asbury Park" A kind of a street anthem like "Jungleland" off of the "Born to Run" album.

Shouldn't it be "Thugz Mansion" instead of "thugs mansion" if this is a reference to the 2Pac song?

Seemed filled with rap references, "Big Poppa" a song by Notorious B.I.G., and "Dear Mama" another 2Pac song. So if you don't know rap, this all becomes very obscure.

Should that be "street disciples" rather than "streets (plural) disciples"?

Like rap, this is mostly held together by repetitious simple rhyme. "died", "lied", "lies", or "stars", "bars", "cars".

This last sentence seems the most poetic to me:

"My mother wept
and played Billie Holiday
in honor of streets disciples
from every corner
in thugs mansion."

Although it should probably read "from every corner of thugs mansion" or "in every corner of thugs mansion".

Dale

[Joey Automata]

The title made me throw up in my mouth a little. I hate poems that are odes to former poets. However, you went the rapper route, which I like. Not sure if the title is fitting then, though. I'd try to do a better title. I wouldn't really call Biggie a poet, and "Fallen Poets" just sounds unoriginal.

I cried when Biggie and Pac died.
I just lied
lying about their lives.

Simple little rhymes: cried/died/lied. Also a play on the word lie, from lying in bed to lying/telling mistruths. I like the rhyming. However, I don't know why someone would "lie" about the lives of rappers. You don't know anything about them. And their lives in themselves were fabrications or exaggerations. Usually when you lie about the life someone led, you're trying to convince yourself that they were a better person, so to not taint the memory you have of them. For example: someone's dad was a molester and a drunk and you lie about his evil deeds to try to remember him better. What exactly about the lives of Biggie and Pac are you lying about? What cherished memory are you trying to not taint?

Looking at the stars
reciting their bars.
No longer safe within cars.

Continuing with the simple rhymes. I don't mind it. Sort of plays into the whole rap element. However, why would you no longer feel safe in cars? Their deaths were related to fame and possibly gang activity. What of anything do you have in common with their lives? Why would anyone possibly conspire to assassinate you at a red light after a Tyson fight in Vegas?

Thug life.
Drug life.
Slug strife.

Slug strife sounds a little forced.

Solemnly slain soldiers.
Fists rose as
tears fell.
Compton and Bed-Stuy bled becoming
bicoastal battlegrounds.

Pac wasn't from Compton. He was born in Harlem, grew up in Baltimore, moved to the outskirts of San Francisco in high school, and moved to Beverly Hills after becoming famous. He never lived in Compton. That was NWA.

"Dear Mama where is Big Poppa?"
My mother wept
and played Billie Holiday
in honor of streets disciples
from every corner
of thugz mansion.

The Mama/Poppa line wasn't bad. You incorporated both rappers into one line. The ending is pretty much an actual 2pac line. Not sure why you didn't try to incorporate any Biggie lines into it as well. It would have played into the Mama/Papa thing you did to start the stanza.

Overall, it sounds sort of childish. There are no specifics about these rappers, yet you cried the day they died. I wonder if you were even alive or knew who they were when you died. Your facts are also a little off.