The Sanctity of Life
An ugly, angular woman breathes a breath so close to death she rejoices,
But death does not deliver-
It hasn’t for months nor will it till someone gives up for her.
Her life hangs within the certainty of some sickeningly mechanical balance
That does not cease to preserve her pain.
She walks a tightrope of tube and tests and
When she falls
She’s beautiful for a moment
before life affords itself with force.
At night she watches without awe as the world walks to the will of some merciless god
She no longer believes in.
Yet she offers her life in frantic prayer
For the simplicity of a final finality.
But god in grace gives no solace
to the eternal contortion of her frame nor the sick twisting of her expression.
She lies in wait for the second coming of death
But death does not deliver
Oh my ! I fell in love with this the first time I read it, out loud ! Surprisingly easy to speak, i went through it without even one break. Good flow.
I like the language too, your choice in words are just my cup of tea.
And if I try to approach the meaning itself, for me it reveals a battle between natural death and the sick mechanic prolonging of life which many deluded people these days see as the only right thing to do.
"An ugly, angular woman breathes a breath so close to death she rejoices,
But death does not deliver-"
- Great start. You got my attention right away. I can feel the longing to be set free.
"It hasn’t for months nor will it till someone gives up for her.
Her life hangs within the certainty of some sickeningly mechanical balance
That does not cease to preserve her pain."
- Ok, im trying to be critical but im just not a good enough writer to see how this could have been written any better.
"She walks a tightrope of tube and tests and
When she falls
She’s beautiful for a moment
before life affords itself with force."
- This is the only place where I am a little lost, can you explain what you mean with "when she falls" ? I got the image of a woman lying in bed without being able to move or communicate, how can she then fall ? Or do you mean on the heartrate monitor ?
The rest is good, not as good as your start, but good.
All in all, impressing. Looking forward to your next one.
An ugly, angular woman breathes a breath so close to death she rejoices,
But death does not deliver-
It hasn’t for months nor will it till someone gives up for her.
Her life hangs within the certainty of some sickeningly mechanical balance
That does not cease to preserve her pain.
She walks a tightrope of tube and tests and
When she falls
She’s beautiful for a moment
before life affords itself with force.
At night she watches without awe as the world walks to the will of some merciless god
She no longer believes in.
Yet she offers her life in frantic prayer
For the simplicity of a final finality.
But god in grace gives no solace
to the eternal contortion of her frame nor the sick twisting of her expression.
She lies in wait for the second coming of death
But death does not deliver
It seems decent to me. Some of the lines in bold could be cut and some could be rephrased.
I think most of them should be cut. The first three could be cut with little difference to the lines around them. The first five, really. Maybe the last could be changed, or you could change the others, or make other changes. I just think the lines in bold are weak compared to the rest of it.
