Migraine Madness

[Celestina Waters]

It stabs my eye with an ice pick
to the core of the meat 
twist and yank
cracking temples in a vice grip
hammer through bone and gristle
take that sharpened fork
heated sear my tender neck 
claw it off my tightened shoulders
with dull saw my jaw ragged
twist out each tooth, nerves alive
melting into the numb oblivion
sensitive flesh shivers
mouth waters with contained spew
taste of rot and bananas
every little sound so deafening
chews off my ears
is this what death feels like.
no. no.
just a Migraine

*
My neurologist (brain doctor) encouraged me to submit this poem for all who have felt the wrath of migraine pain. I am also posting for those who have never experienced a migraine, lucky..,.

[Todd]

Hi Celestina,

There are things I like here. If I were to give a few basic ideas to consider they would be along these lines.

Look at your first line. I think if you adopted a more conversational tone it might flow better:

Example:

I imagine an ice pick

Also with the ending you don't need to call out the migraine in the poem. The title does that.

Just some things to think about.

Best,

Todd

It stabs my eye with an ice pick
to the core of the meat 
twist and yank
cracking temples in a vice grip
hammer through bone and gristle
take that sharpened fork
heated sear my tender neck 
claw it off my tightened shoulders
with dull saw my jaw ragged
twist out each tooth, nerves alive
melting into the numb oblivion
sensitive flesh shivers
mouth waters with contained spew
taste of rot and bananas
every little sound so deafening
chews off my ears
is this what death feels like.
no. no.
just a Migraine

*
My neurologist (brain doctor) encouraged me to submit this poem for all who have felt the wrath of migraine pain. I am also posting for those who have never experienced a migraine, lucky..,.

[Celestina Waters]

Thank you Todd. I shall heed your suggestions. I like your suggested first sentence a lot. -CW

[Jambalaya]

As a reader my first critique would be to use some spacing / grouping. I'm sure it has structure in your mind, but to a reader like myself some of it seems superfluous which might have been descriptive and engaging if it were structured better.

I should stress that I'm far from an expert though.

[Celestina Waters]

Imagine an ice pick
to the core of the meat 
twist and yank
cracking temples in a vice grip

hammer through bone and gristle
take that sharpened fork
heated sear my tender neck 
claw it off my tightened shoulders

with dull saw my jaw ragged
grind out each tooth
every nerve alive
sensitive flesh shivers

mouth waters with contained spew
taste of rot and bananas
every little sound so deafening
chews off my ears

is this what death feels like.
no. no.

---

This hurts so much better!! Thank you for the idea of adding space. Like you can take a real breath before the heart beats another stanza of pain.

[Todd]

Okay, nice initial edit. A couple minor points below:

Imagine an ice pick
to the core of the meat 
twist and yank
cracking temples in a vice grip

hammer through bone and gristle
take that sharpened fork
heated sear my tender neck 
claw it off my tightened shoulders

with dull saw my jaw ragged--I think you could cut the "with"
grind out each tooth
every nerve alive
sensitive flesh shivers--watch for those telling comments. Let the action convey not the modifier. I'd cut sensitive

mouth waters with contained spew
taste of rot and bananas --bananas are a nice sensory add
every little sound so deafening--I think this would be stronger if you cut so deafening
chews off my ears

is this what death feels like.
no. no.

---

This hurts so much better!! Thank you for the idea of adding space. Like you can take a real breath before the heart beats another stanza of pain.

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[Jambalaya]

It's a whole lot more readable to me now

I like it except for the fourth paragraph, which is probably because English is not my first language: what does "mouth waters with contained spew" mean? Mouth wash with spit in it?

[Celestina Waters]

It means mouth about to make vomit. Migraines taste just awful.

[Jambalaya]

I've heard they can be completely debilitating, yes. Luckily I'm only terrified of both life and death, which is nothing too serious, I'm told.

[ChristopherSea]

My neurologist (brain doctor) encouraged me to submit this poem for all who have felt the wrath of migraine pain. I am also posting for those who have never experienced a migraine, lucky..,.


I get headaches daily, sinus migraines weekly and vascular migraines monthly, so I share your pain. I have a migraine poem posted in the NaPM offerings. You have captured the symptoms well. In the first stanza, your ocular anatomy is off. There's no 'meat' in the core of the eye, it is fluid (aqueous humor). I would try to involve the optic nerve to evoke pain. Much of the poem is fragmented and not punctuated, causing many of the lines to oddly run into each other, e.g. the 'twist and yank' between 'ey'e and 'cracked temples', 'take that sharpened fork heated' comes out of no where and sounds odd, 'claw' what 'off', what is 'contained spew'?, etc. I think you need to tighten up the images and your syntax. Good luck with it. By the way, I control mine with Fiorinal. Take care./Chris